brightrosefox: (Default)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightrosefox: (Default)
Another bizarre, color-based fantastic dream last night.
I was walking through a small town full of colors of all kinds. I had my handbag on me and I wondered if I could practice any magic with my cosmetics. However, the eyeshadows from the previous dream were gone.
An older woman came to me and said, "I know what you need. The powders you were using are limited. But these are not. I give these to you as my gift, freely, with no expectations. They belong to you."
She handed me two eyeshadow cases. I recognized them instantly - I own them in the waking world: Too Faced Exotic Color Eye Shadow Singles in Poison Orchid and Midnight Mist. I frowned and stared at her, realizing that her eyelids were painted with a blend of the two. I asked, "Are these stronger?"
"Oh yes," she said. "They heal and harm, create and destroy. Use your finger or a shadow brush. Wear them blended on your eyelids and you are immune to anyone who tries to use magic in a negative or destructive way. Swipe one on each wrist and your own magic will be increased. Wear them any which way you wish and you will be stronger. There is always power in color. Do you wear the red lipcolors that the Art Goddess gave you?"
I tilted my head. "I don't know. I own many red lip shades."
She smiled. Then you probably do. Do you know the names Provocateur, Hot Mama, Pretty Woman, Ruby Slippers, Stiletto Red, Wild?"
"Oh!" I said. "Oh, yes! Buxom and It Cosmetics and Too Faced and Tarte! I always feel drawn to them. Um, pun intended?"
The woman laughed, and her dark blue eyes glowed. "These eyeshadows are Too Faced and the names are no coincidence in this dimension. You come here very often in your dreams." She peered closer at me, nose to nose. "You are wearing Tarte Maracuja Concealer and It Cosmetics Concealer. One day, you will see the true complete beauty, and you may not use so much."
I smirked. "Are you a psychiatrist?"
"Sort of," she laughed. "Empathic witchcraft has advantages. You use color and cosmetics as both enhancement and costume. That is perfect and good. But you must remember that you, as you, are always beautiful."
I took a very deep breath. "It will take a while."
She reached out and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "You will know. You are loved."
It seemed as though she were about to walk away, but she paused and looked at me again. "The Too Faced Lipstick in Stiletto Red and the Tarte Lipstick in Wild. Use them to draw your personal magical symbols where you need on your body, when you come into this dream dimension again. You will understand why once you walk through our town."
I nodded. "And the Too Faced eyeshadows?"
"Oh, you know how they work!" she laughed. "You could even just open them and point them at the sky when you need to destroy your monsters and horrors. Midnight Amethyst and and Midnight Sapphire are designed to work in moonlight, sunlight, and all elements."
I realized that nothing was enigmatic anymore. I started laughing. Behind me, a gateway opened. I stepped back, waving at my companion. She held out one hand, fingers spread wide, and passed a golden-silver stream of light to my hand. I laughed loudly, and the gateway gently wrapped around me and pulled me through. It took a while for me to wake up. I suppose I could call it dream limbo. Light and shadow, color and negative space, filled with serenity.
I will go back. It is my town, after all.



The makeup in this photo:
Too Faced Exotic Single Eyeshadow in Poison Orchid, Midnight Mist
It Cosmetics Hello Lashes Volume Growth Mascara
It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Butter Gloss in Ruby Slippers
Tarte Maracuja Creaseless Concealer

Front facing smartphone cameras with anti-shake technologies are so freaking awesome for disabled people!
brightrosefox: (Default)
Why is it that, in most dreams where I am in physical danger, I am unable to scream or move quickly?
My last dream involved a bad fall and crash at the top of the stairs, while a large group of people were downstairs having a small quiet party. Something supernatural was with me, something insidious. I grabbed the stair ledge and pulled myself up to a kneeling position. I yelled my husband's name, but it was only a whisper. I couldn't call for help, not with the shadowy creature surrounding me. I was moving so slowly. It felt as though nobody was in the house but me, me and the cats.
And abruptly, I realized that nobody was in the house. Adam was at work. There was no party. The cats were all downstairs. It was only me and the shadow entity. I struggled to call on my internal resources, my spirit guardians, but even my psychic voice was muffled. I was not afraid. I was determined. I was badly injured, and I only had myself, and my powers to create weapons and defenses were drained. I stopped trying to stand. I knelt there and mouthed words, calling on the water in the bathroom, the air circulating around the house, the earth under the house, the fire downstairs used to light the gas stove. I pulled in all into me, and with a desperate burst, I unleashed it. The shadow creature shrieked and vanished.
Without any warning at all, the house filled with presence again. There was that quiet downstairs party. I whispered my husband's name again, struggling to turn it into a cry. Someone must have heard. Adam came up the stairs and found me, sagging against the door of the bathroom, my nose bleeding. He spoke to me. He half-carried me to the bedroom and helped me lie down. He brought damp towels and tissues and water with electrolytes. I managed, somehow, to tell him that a negative spirit had entered the house and stole my strength, and I pulled all the elemental power I could to drive it away. He was very proud but also puzzled, since the house was supposed to be powerfully shielded and guarded. I was crying but I didn't mean to cry. It was just a reaction without intention. He stroked my hair and curled up with me, and me took my hand and fed me energy and power and strength, and he said, "Go to sleep, my darling. I'll be monitoring you through our psychic bond and everything will be okay. I will strengthen the wards." He needed to check on our friends. He would back be up soon.
The dream ended there.

It has been something of a recurring thing: My slowness in dreams. My exquisite agony in dreams. My whispering words in dreams. Sometimes I can barely walk for the pain in my hips and knees. Sometimes I can only speak with thoughts instead of physical words. Sometimes my body is wrapped in a floating translucent shell and it is the only way I can move. In my dreams, the pain is so much worse than in reality. But I have access to weapons of all kind and I feel safe, even if something horrible grabs me.

When I was a child, I had flying dreams every night. Even astral projection. Like my father and cousins in their younger years. And if a harmful person appeared, I just waved my right hand fiercely, shouting "Shoo! Shoo!" to make then disappear.

When I was a child, I dreamed of dragons, of ancient tortoises, of unicorns mixed with white tigers, of phoenix birds with feathers of every color. Dragons have never been dangerous to me. Even if some were, there were always other dragons who were benevolent.

It is why I always bristle when I read an article comparing chronic pain to dragons. The only way I can see such battles happening is dragon against dragon. And I am a human amalgam of dragon, phoenix, tortoise, unicorn, white tiger, and fae, wrapped in the skin of a moonlight witch.

Then, why do my dreams cripple me? The only reason I can think of is to teach me to use the insides, the powers coming from my spirit and not my body. My body is very important and vital to me. But perhaps not so much in my dreams.

And I think this piece of art, beyond anything, is one of the greatest ways I can understand myself. Every time I look at it, I weep. I even have that same cane. I know Shinga and I barely know each other, but she knows chronic pain. She knows what being a warrior means. She was in the US Army and was badly injured and treated so poorly during therapy that she has severe PTSD. She is disabled badly. She knows battles. And I want to hold her and hold her and tell her what this means to me.

http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Awaken-Warrior-and-Rise-378439320
awaken__warrior__and_rise_by_shinga-d69b9nc
(Note: Please please refer to Shinga before borrowing or using this image. Please use the Deviant Art link. This is her work. Copyright Shinga. The only reason I displayed the actual image was in case someone can't click on the link.)
brightrosefox: (Default)
Somehow, my neighborhood area rarely gets hit with all the weather that hits everything around it.
Mom called to say, "So, I hear all the towns and cities in Montgomery County got slammed all over with a tornado. Are you okay?"
And I blinked and said, "Wait... tornado? OH. Right! Tornado! No, we just had a violent screaming thunderstorm that sent me panicking into my bedcovers after taking anxiety drugs."
Later, Adam called from his job in Las Vegas (101 degrees, dry heat) and asked how our community area had fared. I told him that it was wet. And fine. Not even a power outage.
I'm starting to think all the magic and psychic shielding that he and I had placed around our house has extended to our community. Or something. Who knows. Like, if trees get knocked down from storms, it's always in the neighborhood next to ours. If a water main breaks, it's one around the corner that doesn't affect us. If there is a local power outage for us, it doesn't last long. If there is a random screaming gunfight, it's far away enough that we're not bothered beyond having to call 911. Any sort of major damage somehow becomes far less damaging once it reaches where I live. Now I just feel weird.
And now I shall knock on every piece of wood in the house. Including the maple tree in front.

I have no idea how the weather will act tomorrow, but I hope to do a little more grocery shopping. It's gotten to the point where I've stopped giving a fuck if I get caught in the rain. It washes my hair for me.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Okay, seizure.
Happened during cleaning - and cleansing.
Charlotte was over to help clean up my work room.
I sensed it happening and went to the couch.
My body went rigid, flailed and danced a bit, curled in on itself. Alicia was behind my eyes, whispering. Serena was at the corners of my vision, smiling. I trembled, let loose with a string of curse words, woke up hard.
When Charlotte came back in, we used magic and essential power to help calm my brain. I sprayed myself and the corners of the room with my favorite perfume, Inspiration by iiTawk (http://www.theskinrevolution.com/_iiitawk.html). It helped reset and refocus my temporal lobes.
We are still working, moving to Channel 404 Dance/Electronica.
Alicia's forest had been full of shades of purple, blue and green.
In this postictal state, I shall dance the hell out of myself.
I am made of magic, you know.
brightrosefox: (Default)
So, I found this meme. And I started trying to answer the questions. And then suddenly I froze and started crying. I'm attributing that to the depressive episode borne out of that postictal state. Or something. Maybe the migraine too.
I may try again tomorrow.

***

What is the working title for your book?

Stormfall.

Where did the idea for the book come from?

During my third year in college (SUNY Purchase), I was at my best friend's house; we were sitting on her bed reading books quietly. Suddenly, very randomly, I fell asleep (I now realize this was an epileptic seizure) and had... a vision. A dream. Something. Crawling naked through the woods away from a burning building. Moving through a cave in a psychic vision. Actually being psychic and doing psychic things. When I woke up, feeling exhausted and funny, I said, "I just had this amazing dream" and my friend looked at me with this very knowing look. Because, you know, she and I had been having psychic dreams and such for a while. I described the dream And I turned it into several scenes in the first chapter. And the rest of the chapter formed around that vision. And suddenly I was writing more chapters, and then I had a novel happening.

What genre does your book fall under?

Future fantasy. Or is it futuristic fantasy now? A sort of science fantasy. It takes place almost two centuries from now, close enough to have streamlined versions of current technologies, far enough to not be anywhere near now. But there is more magic than science, magic in the form of psychic powers, psionics. Lots of it. Very character driven, to the point where I barely have the world around the characters really built.

What is the synopsis or blurb for this book?

Oh gods, I hate trying to do this.
[*deep breath*] In a future world where mild psychic powers have become common, four of the most powerful psychics in the world will test the limits of their powers and the bonds of their love when a fifth powerful psionic seeks to destroy and rebuild reality - but he needs the help of one of the four to do so. When she refuses and he captures her, she finds herself fighting for her life, her friends, and for all existence.

What actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I have no clue. Since it will probably be years and years before a film gets made ... maybe Dana could be played by a red-haired Chloe Moretz or Elle Fanning or Ariana Grande or Tiffany Thornton or Sara Paxton or Alexa Vega or Bella Thorne, with hazel contact lenses? Maybe Kara could be played by Selena Gomez or Victoria Justice or Camilla Belle or Ashley Greene or Elizabeth Gillies or Ariel Winter or Jodelle Ferland, with light blue contact lenses? For Ian and Alex, since they are fraternal twins and have different coloring, perhaps Dave Franco or Jeremy Sumpter or Cody Linley or Drew Roy or Max Theriot or Sean Faris or Johnny Pacar or Nicholas Hoult, with blue-green contact lenses and brown contact lenses? Jeremy could be played by one of those guys, with dark blue contact lenses. *shrug*

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Agency, I hope. If they like me enough.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

First draft? I finished that after college, then ripped apart the whole thing. The ending has been missing for ten years while I put the rest back together. I mean, I have the ending. It's just not put in yet.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

I've had such a lifelong love and obsession with psionic/psychic powers and superhumans that I'd been writing such stories since my pre-teens. I suppose that has come out of my being born disabled and wishing I could be more than I was. And also really really loving superhero/superhuman stories. I've loved Marvel's X-Men comics since childhood. Perhaps all the stories I write are allegories for being born with disabilities. Just something you live with. What you choose to do with it is your choice and yours alone. It can boost you and cripple you at the same time.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

Um. Any book where the main characters have really strong psychic powers? I guess? Like, telekinesis and telepathy and all the subcategories thereof?

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Fuck, I don't know. The superpowers? The future world? The fact that all my characters are pagan, that polytheism is really really common and running neck and neck with monotheism? Psychic abilities of various levels? Character interaction? A villian who isn't truly a villian but a person who feels wronged and wants to make things right in his own way by destroying the world? A main female character who is disabled but it isn't made obvious? Three other main characters who have mental illnesses that are not made obvious?

(Also, I feel bad that I don't have many POC characters (Kara has heritage that is Navajo, Korean, Welsh. Dana's heritage is Russian, Columbian, Gaelic, Greek. Ian and Alex have heritage that is Celtic, Welsh, Greek. Jeremy has heritage that is Italian, Spanish, Scottish, Belgian)... and many POC characters are tertiary. But, you know, the main characters that came into my head were Caucasian. I don't want to alter their races just to appease social justice warrior readers.)
brightrosefox: (Default)
Neat.
(laboradite, lepidolite, charoite, kyanite, amber, lapis lazuli, all the stones that love me.)
http://www.crystalvaults.com/pages/crystal_encyclopedia/labradorite.php
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Natural-Crystals/Medium-Natural-Crystals/110724/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Cabochons/090371/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Wands/880097/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Jewelry/Pendants/100594/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Cabochons/070395/

Smokey quartz, Serpentine, and Tourmaline have been having strong effects lately, as well.

Pretty rocks are pretty.
Metaphysical properties are subjective, except when they're not, but I don't care, because pretty rocks are pretty.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Also, we went to the Ranger Surplus in Bethesda. After a long conversation with an employee about cerebral palsy, I wound up with a pair of Army boots that should help stabilize me well enough. And now the employee knows to suggest such boots to people with certain disabilities. I feel as if I made a friend and helped some sort of cause.
Rothco Jungle Boots. Oh damn, these are comfortable. Thank you husband, and thank you awesome employee at Ranger Surplus Bethesda who got into a whole fantastic conversation with me about cerebral palsy and good shoes. (Size 4 men's, which would be a size 6 women's for me. Yup. Awesome.)
A pair of Doc Martens Boots and a pair of Rothco Jungle Boots. Fitted with strong, comfy insoles. Oh, I have never been so excited about lace up military style boots. It is also a great and good challenge for my fine motor coordination issues.

And: Today has been a busy and awesome day so far. Brunch to celebrate my best friend's birthday, with nearly two dozen dear friends I haven't seen in months and years. I drank half a beer, even. It tasted like chocolate and caramel. The pills, including Soma and Klonopin, have helped me be in much less pain and much more social. My friends are amazing. I must socialize more often, truly.

Energy flowing between two people can be so extraordinary that it can energize in fascinating ways. So thank you, Jess, for helping me stay steady and stable in the midst of my own chaos. I hope the charoite pendant I gave you is helping you in as many ways as possible, even charged with my own humming wild fluid chaotic energy. We must absolutely get together again and talk about it all.
I've decided to wear pendants of lepidolite and chaorite together, along with the three lepidolite bracelets and the three charoite rings. They do calm and energize me in fantastically intense ways that I want to explore completely.

Research time, extremely. I must figure out if these bodywide spasms and twitches are due to cerebral palsy hypertonic spasticity, muscle fatigue from either or both cerebral palsy and or fibromyalgia, seizure auras primarily displaying motor and autonomic simple partial seizures, physical coldness, or plain exhaustion. I would consider all of the above, since cerebral palsy and epilepsy love to dance together like whirling dervishes.

I am very drained and tired, but I am still filled with social energy from the parties. I didn't realize that was a thing. My aura things are still buzzing and humming. This is fascinating. I need to analyze it. I had no idea I could be exhausted and still energized in such a specific psychic way.
I guess I must again thank Jess for her calming energy. My energy is always rushing, moving, streaming, even when I am fully tranquil. Something inside me is always moving faster and more intensely than I ever could, and I can rarely catch up with it. I still don't understand what it is.

Dude, magnolia bark makes for awesome sleep, but also for the most insane, bizarre, wild dreams ever. I even remember parts. I can't even begin to describe last night's biggest dream. I barely understood it while I was dreaming and I certainly cannot understand it while awake. After waking up, for about twenty minutes I had absolutely no proprioception and I wondered if I was still dreaming. That was not the fault of the 400 mg of magnolia, though, that was just cerebral palsy insanity. Damn brain damage.

Dear dreams: Please continue to be awesome, but try to tone it down just a little. Maybe some less creepy and grotesque imagery.
brightrosefox: (Default)
I need to write this down before I completely forget.
Last night, I had a dream in which I was hanging out with a bunch of Sumerian deities, most of whom I could barely name.
We were setting a mansion on fire, hosing it down, and repeating the process.
Everyone kept calling me "Inanna" instead of Joanna. And I felt so flattered that for some reason I kept floating off the ground. Every time I lifted off the ground, a storm would gather and everyone started acting as though they were in love with everything everywhere, laughing and giggling and acting almost drugged.
Someone told me, "You are the evening star." And I said, "Funny that, I was born right before a midnight when Venus was very blindingly bright. Evening Star used to be one of my nicknames. Now sometimes my dreams call me Moonlight Witch."
And someone else said "Exactly. Do you understand now?" I said, "What? Wait, understand what?"
But everyone just smiled, and as I was pulled back down to earth, the soil became soft enough to drag me down, and I began to sink. It felt soothing and tranquil. I called out, "Don't forget to refurbish that mansion when I get back!" And then I woke up.
Try and interpret that, various dream dictionaries!
brightrosefox: (Default)
Oh, those little moments, those brief windows of choice and chance...

I took the bus to the Redland Road shopping center, walked to the post office to drop off a care package for an online friend, and walked back into the shopping center to get an eyebrow wax at Karen's Salon. As I walked past Hair Cuttery, I figured it was time for a new look. I asked for a mix of Redken's Cappucino and Maple, a light and dark brown. The wonderful lady who took care of me suggested light, textured layers at the ends of my hair instead of my usual standard blunt straight trim. Biting my lip really really hard, I went for it. She flat ironed my hair, which had never been done, and then I held my breath as the scissor and comb gently fluttered through my ends. The results were stunningly astounding. I gave her a large tip.
I posted photos to Facebook and received so many compliments that my little ego flailed trying to figure out how many ways to say "thank you." People's jaws were dropping through comments like "Stunning!!" and "WOWZA" and "Rawr!" and "It really flatters you and it really brightens you! It really perks you up! Your features and gentle skin tone really stand out! Fantastic color! Layers take getting used to, but you add so much body when you add them in!!! I think you look incredible!"
And then... Naamah said this: "You look like a brilliant and tough librarian about to go on some crazy time-travel fairy-tale totally awesome journey. AWESOME look."
And it took off from there. And now the seeds of a story are planted not only in my head, but in Naamah's head. I'm going to scratch out a quick, simple outline, and someday actual flesh out a story, but it will happen.

The first photo that planted the story seed.



The next photo, which made me consider whispering, "I know all your secrets. I can see into your soul."



The last photo, which featured a voiceover by a witchy librarian.


"Why yes, the bizarre and arcane and occult books are here in this section. I must warn you: Some of them are hostile toward new people in our library. That's why I'll be coming with you. Only magic practicing librarians can handle the really strong books."
Oh, my jewelry? Nothing major. That's a ring of round lepidolite stones around a silver nickel pentacle with a round clear quartz stone, and the other is a round charoite stone that I can spin. And the other necklace has an amber cabochon in a pentacle circled by an ouroboros; the pendant behind that is a vermeil lotus mandala butterfly pentacle charm. I'm a soul healer and a dimensional seer; the stones help me see things beyond the veil that most people are never aware of. That's why the other librarians call me the Moonlight Witch. Oh, don't touch that book. It's skittish and full of languages that humans were never meant to comprehend. If you tell me exactly what you're looking for, I can open it and translate for you."

Two new photos, which my Facebook friends are raving over for some reason.

Posing with paintings by my father and my husband.
librarianwitch


A less shaky version.
librarianwitch2

"Just your friendly magic practitioner librarian in a library that holds portals to various worlds, realms, dimensions, and universes. Can I help you find something? I specialize in the interdimensional metaphysical magic section. The children's room there is probably the simplest place to start."

Stories come from everywhere. Just keep looking.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Because I feel horrible and there is pain everywhere I can barely think, here are some lovely things that Charles de Lint characters have said over the years.

"There's nothing wrong with a youthful prospective. Don't forget - no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell."
― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl

There are no happy endings... There are no endings, happy or otherwise. We all have our own stories which are just part of the one Story that binds both this world and Faerie. Sometimes we step into each others stories - perhaps just for a few minutes, perhaps for years - and then we step out of them again. But all the while, the Story just goes on."
― Charles de Lint, Dreams Underfoot

"Look inside yourself for the answers - you're the only one who knows what's best for you. Everybody else is only guessing."
― Charles de Lint, Trader

"Magic's never what you expect it to be, but it's often what you need."
― Charles de Lint, Moonlight and Vines

"I love this world," he added. "That is what rules my life. When I die, I want to have done all in my power to leave it in a better state than it was when I found it. At the same time I know that this can never be. The world has grown so complex that one voice can do little to alter it any longer. That doesn't stop me from doing what I can, but it makes the task hard. The successes are so small, the failures so large and many. It's like trying to stem a storm with one's bare hands."
― Charles de Lint, The Little Country

"As the new work fills my notebooks, I've come to realize that the characters in my stories were so real because I really did want to get close to people, I really did want to know them. It was just easier to do it on paper, one step removed."
― Charles de Lint, Dreams Underfoot

"Not only do we all have magic, it's all around us as well. We just don't pay attention to it. Every time we make something out of nothing, that's an act of magic. It doesn't matter if it's a painting or a garden, or an abuelo telling his grandchildren some tall tale. Every time we fix something that's broken, whether it's a car engine or a broken heart, that's an act of magic.
And what makes it magic is that we *choose* to create or help, just as we can choose to harm. But it's so easy to destroy and so much harder to make things better. That's why doing the right thing makes you stronger.
If we can only remember what we are and what we can do, nobody can bind us or control us."
― Charles de Lint, The Mystery of Grace

"Let me give you some advice: Try to approach things without preconceived ideas, without supposing you already know everything there is to know about them. Get that trick down and you'll be surprised at what's really all around you."
― Charles de Lint, Someplace to Be Flying

"The thing to remember when you're writing," he said, " is, it's not whether or not what you put on paper is true. It's whether it wakes a truth in your reader. I don't care what literary device you might use, or belief systems you tap into--if you can make a story true for the reader, if you can give them a glimpse into another way of seeing the world, or another way that they can cope with their problems, then that story is a succes."
― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl

"There are as many stories to be told as there are people to tell them about; only the mean-spirited would consider there to be a competition at all."
― Charles de Lint, Dreams Underfoot

"Have you ever noticed how everyone says they want to be different, but as soon as they meet someone who really is different, they ostracize them?"
― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl

"There's more to life than just surviving... but... sometimes just surviving is all you get"
― Charles de Lint, The Onion Girl
brightrosefox: (Default)
I took the Ultram. I took the Soma. I too the Klonopin. I stretched and exercised and meditated. Obviously this is not a day for healing anything. Obviously this is a day for more post seizure insanity, massive pain flares, stiff joints, and depression.

And to that I say, Meh. Whatever. Life will happen as life happens. I will ride the waves and be optimistic and idealistic.
Disappointment will happen but that doesn't mean I have to let it lead me.
Just because things don't meet my expectations doesn't mean I should whine or make faces. Just because plans change abruptly doesn't mean I should frown and mutter and think people dislike me. Just because things don't work out doesn't mean I should stomp my feet and decide life is awful. Life is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Just go with it.
My favorite words for a while will be Ohm and Namaste.
The biggest things that matter are that I take care of myself, that I do my best to help my loved ones, that I don't get angry unless it is the proper cleansing sort of anger, that I leave the past in the past, that I love people, that I love the world... that I am my little bit of the universe and the multiverse.
I am currently wearing my amazing custom ring with kyanite and lepidolite and charoite, my other ring with charoite and lapis lazuli, my citrine bracelet, my amber pentacle ouroborous pendant, and my open design pentacle ring. I feel secure, protected, warm, loved, guided, empowered. That matters more than anything right now.
brightrosefox: (Default)
I love getting gifts in exchange for giving gifts.

So, a dear online jeweler friend of mine customized a very personal ring for me: kyanite in the center, lepidolite and charoite on either side, wrapped in silver wire. She also made me another ring with a center charoite stone and two lapis lazuli side stones.
Another friend made me a citrine bracelet and a lepidolite bracelet. Another friend will be sending me unpolished Baltic amber bracelets. From another friend, I'll be getting Reiki-infused bracelets of blue kyanite and multi-color tourmaline.

I am highly metaphysical and spiritual about gemstones and minerals, so wearing all these stones against my skin actually causes my mind and body to react in amazing, wonderful ways. Some people will tell me it is all a simple placebo effect; I will accept that, having been raised by an atheist skeptic. But if gemstone energy helps me in any way, then more power to it, literally.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lepidolite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/charoite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/kyanite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/citrine.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/amber.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lapislazuli.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/tourmaline.htm
brightrosefox: (Default)
Hello, Winter Solstice.

You have been unusually warm today. I don't mind at all.

I eagerly await the death and rebirth of the Sun God in its many forms, etcetera.

In other news...

Holy fucking chariot of Apollo, that was a horrible and vicious moment of flaring agony attack. Fibromyalgia, migraine, sciatica, lumbar pain, chondromalacia patella, joint stiffness, hemiparesis, spasticity, on and on and on. If I were not on the specific individual drug and supplement cocktail that deeply eases all this pain, I would be crying wildly without end, possibly inducing an epileptic seizure, which would make things worse. Thank Apollo things are not worse.
I will go to bed soon, and even though I can hope and wish that tomorrow will be better, all I can really do, usefully, is stretch and exercise and take the pills and medicines that will help.
I also want to say that sucking on lollipops does bring an amazing sense of calm and well being, floating me back to sweet memories.
Oh, dopamine and endorphins, please do your best...
And yet, I think some of this may have something to do with massive surges of intensity and emotion and power and energy and physics and metaphysics crashing through me and inside me and shaking me deeply. I don't mind that. I... love it. I love it. I do. Just as long as I can ease the pain somehow. My core is aligning with something powerful and extreme and I am almost afraid to dream tonight. I might fly so far and fast that my personal reality may not be the same when I wake up. But that might be a magnificent, beautiful thing. I feel extraordinary.
Ah, how the wind and rain howls outside.
Ah, how I feel so open and receptive and shining and beautiful and magical and free... and ready to accept whatever comes to me... to be enlightened in multiple ways... to let myself be carried by energies inside me that I know have always been there. I wish to and shall move up and on in my life, in many many amazing ways, because I, Joanna, am amazing.

And finally, to quote a shaman friend quoting another shaman:

"Shamans are well aware of these auspicious moments, but the Cosmic Window we are speaking about in this message has greater import, due to its alignment with the galactic core, the Central Sun of your galaxy, which is, in fact, a black hole.
This particular and rare alignment will result in a broadcasting of evolutionary energies throughout the galaxy. Your Earth is one of innumerable planets receiving this energy of upliftment.
As we view it, this cosmic alignment does not sound the end of your world, but it does herald a new beginning. How each of you deals with these catalytic evolutionary energies is a personal choice.
Indeed many individuals might experience these intense energies as an irritant. If you are not prepared mentally, emotionally and energetically to jump to higher levels within yourself, these energies can make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
If, however, you are aligned with the movement upward you will be carried by these energies. They can open extraordinary vistas for you if you are open to them.
This three-day period is an ideal time to contemplate your life from the vantage point of expanded states of consciousness, to step outside your timeline to sense the patterns of your life and your personal history that have brought you to this point in time."
-Tom Kenyon

So, I suppose the moral of this story - and day - is that what you think may be a nightmarish catastrophic disaster might actually just be your own mind shifting to a more powerful form of consciousness that you never knew you had. Good luck, humanity.

eyeoftheworldchakras

dragonchakras

beautyinlight

watermagic
brightrosefox: (Default)
Here, we have the ultimate expression and meaning of the winter holidays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyQz8jWAl7s

I have been singing "Soft Kitty" to myself for a while. There is technically only one reason to sing that song, but I have at least three, all of which were mentioned by Penny in the episode where Sheldon had to care for her. I have also been attempting to sing it as a round with myself.
*PAIN SADFACE*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqSmzGj_sQc

Seriously, though. Yesterday was the beginning of the six-day Roman celebration Saturnalia. Yay Saturn, blah blah blah. I'm going to leave a little tiny something for each Greek and Roman god, be it a physical offering or a psychic offering. And then when Winter Solstice and Yule come around, more offerings to Gaia and the rebirth of the Sun God.
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/saturnalia/a/saturnalia.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
http://www.earthwitchery.com/yule.html
http://wicca.com/celtic/akasha/yule.htm

Also, once more for clarification, I am not Wiccan at all and never will be. Wiccan is a very specific, very young religion, which took bits and pieces of old pagan faiths and mixed them up until Gerald Gardner felt satisfied. Wicca has unfortunately become the main path new pagans turn to when they have no idea what to do, and such become "fluffy bunny" pagans, focusing only on the "light" and "good" stereotypes of magic and witchcraft, which is very cute and laughable. Unfortunately, Wicca's reputation has mostly been taken over by fluffies, I think; I haven't paid much attention. Any Wiccans here want to set the record straight, please?

I am eclectic pagan with firm faith in polytheism, pantheism, natural magic, elemental magic, personal magic, chthonic magic, shamanism, animism, and humanistic paganism. Which is funny, because humanistic paganism would probably cancel out the magic part, but there are a few humanistic pagans who practice magic with a scientific bent, like my husband.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wildhunt/2012/08/guest-post-humanist-paganism-on-the-rise.html

I forget my main point... but I wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule, Io Saturnalia, Merry Christmas, and Blessed Solstice. I am one of those people who just won't care what you you believe in or worship as long as you don't shove it at me, attempt to convert me, or proselytize at me. And oh, yes, that does include paganism, Wicca, and other nature-based faiths. There is a reason I am so eclectic.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Showing off the new set of talisman pendants. Not actually new, just new in how they were placed on the chains.

There is the silver ouroborous amber pentacle on the silver chain. On the gold chain is a wrapped blend of selenite, kyanite, and black tourmaline secured in pink copper with a spiral infinity design. On the same chain, I added the silver lotus blossom pendant, the blue topaz, and a tiny dark green tourmaline.
Everything was handmade and customized. The blue topaz was a gift from my husband. Each piece has its own personal story connected to my life and magic practices.
I feel pleasantly powerful and intimately intense. Eclectic pagan witch or not, I honestly do feel energy in these specific stones and minerals.


brightrosefox: (Default)
I don't think I want to leave my house without psychic witchcraft protection all week, because within the next few days there will be scary things everywhere, and I don't give a fuck how plastic and fake they are, I still hate them. And I will bring a pillow to press against my face and I will threaten to beat anyone with my best cane if they try to get in my face with scary costumes.

*loves Samhain, hates Halloween*
*is so close to the realm of the dead anyway that there is absolutely no need to dress up and pretend anything because the veil is close enough to touch*

I don't know if anyone wants elaboration on that.

I will say that I nearly died several times during and after birth: my three months premature birth happened at two minutes to midnight under a waxing gibbous moon and an evening star. My personal magic is more orderly than chaotic. That is, it is a gentle and static magic rather than a wild and intense magic. Both are needed, both must be braided tightly as a unit, but I can only work with one at a time, or there is pain.
http://www.kakophone.com/kakorama/EN/astrology-horoscope.php/1979/4/6

I may discuss more if there is interest.
After my post seizure post-ictal state soothes, and after I rest, and after I sleep.

Any discussion of blood, gore, zombies, decomposing corpses, hideous death, and living dead will be met with silence, side eye, eye-rolling, and growling. (Vampires are okay, as long as they appear human.)

The harvest is coming. Time to drink cider!
http://www.thewhitegoddess.co.uk/the_wheel_of_the_year/samhain.asp

I was recently given a private reserve skin cream on Etsy that the
owner, a fellow witch, picked out the name "Moonlight Witch" from my
list of possible names. It smells and feels amazing and makes me feel...
well, at home! Plus, I feel more comfortable and charged up when I do
pagan rituals under moonlight.

Moonlight Witch Gypsy Body Creme reserved for Joanna:
Cocoa Butter, Shea Butter, Olive Oil, Grapeseed Oil infused with powerful extracts of Blue Lotus Absolute, Dragon's Blood Resin, Amber Resin, Coffee Extract, Coffee Grounds, Coconut Flakes, Frankincense, Myrrh.
"She walks the path where moonlight shines, for it is there her strength she always finds."
brightrosefox: (Default)
I'm back to wearing the silver wire ring with the light blue kyanite flanked by lapis lazuli, this time on my right middle finger. Kyanite and Lapis Lazuli have always given me the most peace. And of course there is the silver pentacle ring on my left pointer finger, the two amber bracelets on my left wrist, the precious shimmering rainbow Ethiopian Opal gold filigree ring on my left middle finger, and the ouroborus pentacle amber pendant on the silver chain. I am full of the stuff I call magic and often physics.
Also, that nail polish is "Ocean" by Revlon.

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