brightrosefox: (Default)
The replacement medical dog tag, which features the main medical conditions that essentially encompass most other syndromes - cerebral palsy and autism have so many comorbidities and associated disorders that most medics will get the idea.

medicalalertpendant


It came via a website called Sticky Jewelry. They're pretty awesome, and affordable. This came with a free cleaning chamois cloth and a free medical identification card on which to fill out vital information, like emergency contact, physician phone number, prescriptions, blood type.

The pendant I attached it to is an Etsy-bought custom-made ouroboros pentacle with an amber stone. It has a lot of power for me. Also, it's a fun stim.
brightrosefox: (Default)
You know, it is incredibly difficult to stare terror in the eye and snarl "No, you beast, I AM THE DRAGON" when you have no more hope or confidence or battle left in you.
Most chronic pain advocates describe pain and disability as the "destructive, sometimes evil dragon that must be fought." Fuck that. In this world, I am a blend of dragon and phoenix and whatever dragon they think wants to hurt me can scream it to my face; I will scream right back.
My reserves have been scraped clean. I need to rest. I have a high fever and can barely speak. And I just learned that my digital thermometer turns red and loud above 99.6. LOL. I am my own dragon. And this dragon needs to curl up on a pile of gold and copper and silver and gemstones and go the fuck to sleep before epilepsy dominates.
I am fine. I will be fine. Somehow I always turn out all right.
Until we meet again, warrior sisters and brothers.



Note: no makeup. Except lip balm and moisturizing lotion. But no fear. Not now. No time. Apologies to Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Lights.

Jun. 8th, 2013 10:03 pm
brightrosefox: (Default)
The thing about brains is... brains are so complicated. Brains are so complex. Brains need outlets, too. Words are good enough for my brain. I just want to feel safe when I say words out loud. All I've wanted to do was help people. To say, in public, loudly, "You have someone who will listen. You have someone who understands. You have someone who knows what it means. You have someone who will hold you through the worst of the darkness. You have someone who will always shine brighter than any light." Ever since I was a teenager, I was told that I radiated a pure sort of light that drew other minds close. And every time someone who has never seen that light tells me that I'm causing upset or wrongness, that light falters, because how could someone slap me across the face just because I want to speak out through the darkness? I will never stop speaking out through the darkness. I don't care what it costs anymore. I will talk about my brain and its ultimate complications and complexities and sicknesses and handicaps, and somewhere, someone will always be listening. And they will talk about their brains, and we will share our stories, because that is how stories begin.
"Once upon a time, there was a warrior princess born with invisible armor to battle all the damage inside her that would follow her for the rest of her life. For a long long time, there was nobody she could talk to who truly understood. And then, suddenly, there were dozens of people who could understand. And the warrior made it a mission to talk to them all and keep talking. She kept talking even as others misunderstood her, scorned her, and scolded her, since they didn't realize that what she was doing was baring her life wide open, so anyone drawn to her light could share their lives too. She was told, 'Stop putting yourself out there. Stop talking so much about what's wrong with you. Stop focusing on the negative.' And she looked at them, finally, and said, 'No.' Because there was nothing negative. There was no wrongness. There was only her life. And her life was only positive and right. There was laughter, and amusement, and silly things, because even as the pain overwhelmed her, she would keep going, keep laughing. She told stories to those who wanted to listen. She helped many people learn about themselves. She became a teacher, an advocate, a true light in the darkness. She became strong and brave because she had to. And she will have stories to tell for the rest of her life."

bluedarklotus

dragongirlsky

auroradragon

I admit, I got a little choked up while writing this. Maybe I do feel much more defensive and upset and naked to criticism than I thought. I'm really, really trying to work on letting all that go. It certainly doesn't help my mental health.
brightrosefox: (Default)
http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/623299.html
Seriously, you guys. Seriously. *points* This woman. This woman is awesome. She is AMAZING. All her custom ponies are amazing; they are fantastic, they are extraordinary.
But I think she and I can both say with total confident honesty that Serenity is the best. (Okay, the best so far. But still.) And Serenity belongs to ME, because this woman made her JUST FOR ME. As a special gift.
And she knew she was doing it even before I told her I was considering requesting a custom since they are pricey and I wanted to save up money. And there she was smirking and giggling smugly because I had no idea, and then I got Serenity in the mail and I cried and sobbed so hard because the happiness and joy was overwhelming.
And now Serenity is literally imbued with my magic, and I love her more than any toy I have received in my adult life...
And seriously, people, you should seriously consider Namaah's ponies. She is absolutely incredible.
But Serenity is still the best. Truth. *nods*
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151406320840684.1073741827.640545683&type=1

And still, whenever I feel anxious and upset and depressed, I just touch the lotus bud symbol on her forehead, and I actually honestly feel better.

Edited to add:

Serenity the pony called to me, so decided to take a photo to show how much I adore her.

I have not loved a toy so much since I was a teenager. I cannot thank [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling enough for creating and naming this pony just for me. This may be one of the most perfect toy gifts I have gotten in my adult life.

Serenity has been charged and imbued with as much personal magic energies as I could give her. She is now a method of helping me work with physical, emotional, and psychic self stimming in a weird way.
I talk to her during episodes of anxiety and depression; I kiss the lotus bud blaze on her forehead when I say goodnight. I brush her hair with wood combs and boar brushes. It relaxes me.

She soothes my brain and centers my mind in ways I cannot explain. She is a toy, custom made... but she is special beyond description.





It doesn't matter how old or young you are. There will always be some sort of toy or physical object that represents something important, something life-like or abstract or surreal, that you bond to deeply.
brightrosefox: (Default)
So, a lot of people have been asking me what beauty products I have been using on my skin lately. Might as well link to it.
These products have, quite literally, every single ingredient I ever wanted. Every. Single. Ingredient. All in one. I kept telling Krista (from Harmony Apotheca, now Etesian Plantaceuticalâ„¢ Skin Care) that it was as if she had read my mind without ever meeting me.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/99942639/sale-41-marshmallow-and-manuka-soothing
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84293185/2in1-manuka-honey-amazonian-body-butter
These are both excellent as anti-inflammatory salves for my joints and muscles and nerve pains and such. The cream smells very fresh, fruity, and floral, extremely clean and invigorating. The butter smells incredibly herbal, like strong sage and deep woods and young trees and a forest after rain.
I have been using these in my beauty routine, day and night, for over two weeks. My skin looks amazing. I am finally, after all these years, starting to feel truly satisfied. My body dysmorphic disorder, which as you know is focused on my skin, is actually slowly starting to back down. I didn't think that could happen.

Also, the most recent photos of my face made up. I like them.


"Snow White Red Riding Hood Dragon Princess Warrior"

harmonycolor1

harmonycolor2

Color Cosmetics - adding war paint and beauty masks since the beginning of existence.

Eyes: Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Mushroom, Hijack, Flash. It Cosmetics Hello Lashes Mascara; Envyderm Growth Volume Mascara
Lips: Buxom Full Bodied Lipstick in Provocateur; Lavera Beautiful Lipstick in Deep Red.
Face: 100 Percent Pure Healthy Skin Full Foundation in Creme; Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation in Shade 2.0.

Moisturizers: Harmony Apotheca 4:1 Marshmallow and Manuka Eczema Relief Cream with Amazonian Butters.
Earth's Own Bath N Body Divine Youth Creme with Coffee Fruit.
Walk In Beauty Sun Protection Lotion with Superfruits.
brightrosefox: (Default)
I am Blue and Green and Purple. Why, I don't know. I just am.
http://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/amazonite
http://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/labradorite
http://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/charoite
http://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/kyanite
http://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/jade

1. Oh my various gods, this is such a lovely green.
2. Gemstone dictionary. I love it.
3. This actually works. I am wearing it now next to amber. It is amazing.
http://gemstone-dictionary.com/amazonite.php

Also, my absolute favorite shade of green. Also, powerful as power healing, kind of like Reiki...
http://psychicwomenwarriors.blogspot.com/2009/05/seraphinite-higher-vibrational-feminine.html

Current jewelry:

Right wrist: Labradorite, multi-color raw amber, fluorite (clear, green, blue, purple, pink), lilac lepidolite with eternity symbol charm.
Left wrist: Labradorite, lemon raw amber, honey raw amber, purple lepidolite, multi-color tourmaline, blue kyanite, charoite.
Right hand: Engagement ring (rose gold, heirloom white diamond in white gold bezel setting, three blue diamonds on each side, raised channel setting with rose gold pave. Charoite with seraphinite side stones. Seraphinite with charoite side stones.
Left hand: Wedding ring (Green Gold. Celtic eternity/healing knot with triquetra symbols on each side; extremely similar to the Auryn symbol in the movie version of The NeverEnding Story.) Heirloom plain thin gold band. Amber flanked with Bali beads. Charoite flanked with Bali beads. Amazonite flanked with Bali beads.










I don't know why I feel weirdly defensive when people ask me why I wear "so much jewelry" - I mean, it's about healing, and strength, and serenity, and power... and yes, OCD. But mostly about power.

I mean, gemstones do have power. Amber is genuinely healing; there have been studies. Same with lepidolite. Labradorite has been discovered in meteorites. Tourmaline has been shown to help shield from electromagnetic radiation. Wearing green jade has brought luck. And most psychically sensitive people have been able to feel intense energies and auras radiating from various rocks and minerals. They're never just "pretty rocks" to me. But if that is what it takes to convince people, I will nod and smile and say "pretty rocks."
brightrosefox: (Default)
Random photos, because I'm bored.

Read more... )
brightrosefox: (Default)
Oh, those little moments, those brief windows of choice and chance...

I took the bus to the Redland Road shopping center, walked to the post office to drop off a care package for an online friend, and walked back into the shopping center to get an eyebrow wax at Karen's Salon. As I walked past Hair Cuttery, I figured it was time for a new look. I asked for a mix of Redken's Cappucino and Maple, a light and dark brown. The wonderful lady who took care of me suggested light, textured layers at the ends of my hair instead of my usual standard blunt straight trim. Biting my lip really really hard, I went for it. She flat ironed my hair, which had never been done, and then I held my breath as the scissor and comb gently fluttered through my ends. The results were stunningly astounding. I gave her a large tip.
I posted photos to Facebook and received so many compliments that my little ego flailed trying to figure out how many ways to say "thank you." People's jaws were dropping through comments like "Stunning!!" and "WOWZA" and "Rawr!" and "It really flatters you and it really brightens you! It really perks you up! Your features and gentle skin tone really stand out! Fantastic color! Layers take getting used to, but you add so much body when you add them in!!! I think you look incredible!"
And then... Naamah said this: "You look like a brilliant and tough librarian about to go on some crazy time-travel fairy-tale totally awesome journey. AWESOME look."
And it took off from there. And now the seeds of a story are planted not only in my head, but in Naamah's head. I'm going to scratch out a quick, simple outline, and someday actual flesh out a story, but it will happen.

The first photo that planted the story seed.



The next photo, which made me consider whispering, "I know all your secrets. I can see into your soul."



The last photo, which featured a voiceover by a witchy librarian.


"Why yes, the bizarre and arcane and occult books are here in this section. I must warn you: Some of them are hostile toward new people in our library. That's why I'll be coming with you. Only magic practicing librarians can handle the really strong books."
Oh, my jewelry? Nothing major. That's a ring of round lepidolite stones around a silver nickel pentacle with a round clear quartz stone, and the other is a round charoite stone that I can spin. And the other necklace has an amber cabochon in a pentacle circled by an ouroboros; the pendant behind that is a vermeil lotus mandala butterfly pentacle charm. I'm a soul healer and a dimensional seer; the stones help me see things beyond the veil that most people are never aware of. That's why the other librarians call me the Moonlight Witch. Oh, don't touch that book. It's skittish and full of languages that humans were never meant to comprehend. If you tell me exactly what you're looking for, I can open it and translate for you."

Two new photos, which my Facebook friends are raving over for some reason.

Posing with paintings by my father and my husband.
librarianwitch


A less shaky version.
librarianwitch2

"Just your friendly magic practitioner librarian in a library that holds portals to various worlds, realms, dimensions, and universes. Can I help you find something? I specialize in the interdimensional metaphysical magic section. The children's room there is probably the simplest place to start."

Stories come from everywhere. Just keep looking.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Hey, look, pictures of me wearing eyeglasses!
For the first time in I think ever, I'm really happy with my eyeglasses. I had bought these slender blue frames online from 39DollarGlasses last year, but husband preferred me in wider frames that covered more field of vision, since he thought my headaches were being caused in part by eyestrain. But I found these blue glasses in a drawer, tried them out for a week, didn't get eyestrain, and decided that they were awesome and that I would be proud to wear them in public.
And I also have my Transitions glasses for sunlight and such. And there are also the purple frames I bought online from ZenniOptical which remind me of butterfly wings.

http://www.39dollarglasses.com/4051_Blue.html
http://www.zennioptical.com/410017-full-rim-metal-alloy-with-spring-hinge-same-appearance-as-frame-8100.html


Blue Pony:
blueponyglasses



Red Gold Transitions:
transitionsglasses



Purple Butterfly
purplebutterflyglasses

I have never been one to feel proud or happy to wear eyeglasses. I suppose I just needed to find the proper frames for my whole self.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Dear everyone:
I'm in the middle of okay and not okay. Just so you know. No need to worry, but since I am still in the post ictal state (after seizure), I may type randomly weird things that are randomly weirder than usual.
♥
And now, random things that are random!

***
You know what is awesome? Brand new boots that generally cost over one hundred dollars, bought for a whopping twenty dollars each with coupons. Mainly because the Ariat Fat Baby Copper Gator Print boots are no longer being made. The Ariat Fatbaby Cognac Ostrich Print boots are insanely cheap, too. Yay, Ariat. Yay, sales and coupons!


Ariat Fatbaby Cognac Ostrich Print

***
So, I use this as toothpaste. I mean, obviously it is a shampoo and a skin cleanser, but it makes a good toothpaste as well. I embrace my weirdness quite happily.
http://livesuperfoods.com/morrocco-method-sea-essence-shampoo.html
Also, this makes an awesome tooth cleanser and face toner.
https://www.swansonvitamins.com/natures-answer-periowash-16-fl-oz-liquid

***
Aww, look, it's my wedding ring which began as my promise ring, minus the snake details!
Technically, this.
http://www.amazon.com/Triquetra-Trinity-Eternity-Sterling-Silver/dp/B00303IH3G/


***
Stupid sore throat. Stupid fibromyalgia attack. Stupid depression attack. Stupid anxiety attack. Stupid after seizure effects. Stupid me. Also I am feeling insanely insecure, and I know I have gained muscle and tone but I still want to slice out any excess fat with daggers. Such is society's cultural pressure on women and also anorexia scars and anorexia worms that push me into wanting to emaciate myself which would be a horrid hideous thing. I am a fighter. Fuck all of that. I am at war with so many things right now, and the scars are just part of it. I don't even know why I'm talking about that, it's so private. Oh well. Pain is pain. I am in pain. I am anxious and depressed and bleeding inside and I am exhausted and I am still fighting.
I shall raise my spears and scream until I am sore. Again.
I shall meditate while grasping my heart love duck figurine. Maybe I will feel better.


Migraine is still pounding. Off to shower and bed with pills now...
brightrosefox: (Default)
chakradragon


I know Pantheism and Polytheism often conflict, but I am a proud pantheistic polytheistic polyagnostic eclectic moonlight witch.
(Also, a Peaceful Dragon Mediterranean Princess Warrior, which is neither here nor there.)

And I am very fluid in my faith and philosophy, which means I enjoy discussing faith in general, so long as I am not proselytized at.
 
(It's funny. As soon as I mention that I am ethnically Jewish and spiritually Pagan, the proselytizing ends with nary a complaint. I am ethnically Jewish with a heritage of Sicilian, Greek, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian. And I am proud. But not so proud that I announce it every time something involving one of those ethnicity comes up.
I know people like that. Especially if they are, say 1/16 said ethnicity. Yes, dears. It's lovely that you have such rich heritage with a few drops of that ethnic blood; now please stop telling me how wonderful you are because of it.)

Finding this image was amazing. I had a dream about it in early 2012, and I don't even remember how I found the image online. Ah, Higher Brain and Subconscious, and Quantum Psychic Consciousness, I love it when you work together.

This image is ideal: I like dragons. And lotus flowers. And the moon. And the cosmos. And transcendental meditation. And magic. And the concept that all consciousness is connected, with no need to use religion to connect to the cosmic parts.

We are all made of the universe."We are the universe trying to understand itself" like Carl Sagan said.

And as Delenn from Babylon 5 says:
"The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make this station and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are star-stuff. We are the Universe, made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And, as we have both learned, sometimes the Universe needs a change of perspective."
-Delenn, 'A Distant Star' episode of 'Babylon 5'
brightrosefox: (Default)
Hello, October.
Hello, air conditioner in October.
Hello, needing to set the air conditioner to 72 in October just to keep the house from getting humid and sticky and why is it 80 degrees at the start of October?
I am actually not complaining. I love warmth. I love heat. But this is too much. This is too humid. My cats were melting on couches like Dali clocks before I made the house cool enough. I've been wearing sleeveless tops and sleeping with the fan on. I realize that this is Maryland, and sometimes it happens. But this is happening in the north, too. All around New York state, it is humid and sticky and warm. On the east end of Long Island, my parents must open all windows and turn all fans up to high because the only air conditioning unit they have is in the bedroom to help with my mother's asthma and sinus issues.
At night, finally feel chilly enough to push the thermostat to, say, 74, and bury myself under blankets while my cats sleep against me for love or warmth or both. One cat on the pillow above and between my pillow and Adam's pillow, one cat on my right side, one cat on my left side. I wake up in blazing sunbeams with at least one orange tabby sitting on me. The thermostat goes back to 72 for a few hours and the cats stop melting and I am still sleeveless.

Depression is lifted very very slightly. Rhinitis is eased just a little. Fibromyalgia is still flaring Cerebral palsy is still causing spasticity and hypertonia. Chondrdomalacia patella and sciatica still wreak havoc. I have been massaging healing serums and lotions into my joints and muscles, gratefully.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/111067887/beauty-by-brazil-all-natural-amazon

Adam took our trusty Shiatsu body massage heat pad and put it on the second couch in my library room and plugged it in so I can have a massage couch any time.



I am feeling lonely, but not alone. My husband will be home from his California job early next week, and I will get my favorite hugs then. Until then, I have cat hugs and a Shiatsu massage couch.

Also, here is one of my "I am a dragon in a pixie body, and I shall not take your bullshit, because if you try to anger me, I will stab you in your everywhere with this spear I am always holding." faces.

brightrosefox: (Default)


When there is darkness in front of me, there is light at my back, even if I cannot see it. If the darkness surrounds me and melts into me, so does the light, even if I cannot feel it. I always try to find my light, even if I have no idea where to start.

I have been so psychically tired. So fatigued. So exhausted. Today I got a wonderful day-long energy boost from supplements like yerba mate and green coffee extract, containing small amounts of caffeine that were smooth enough to help me without side effects. However, the fatigue and exhaustion were very mental and emotional. Depression is horrid. This will end, with help and remedy and treatment. But it is still horrid, and it will return, and even though I will always stand guard and fight, I get more and more beaten down.

Replenishing myself can be fun, exciting, fascinating, and weird in all manner of ways, since I love all sorts of reclusive nerd and geek activities, certain books and songs and films and and television series that entertain me over and over without boredom or annoyance. I can watch every episode of "Futurama" and "My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic" and "Babylon 5" and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and most of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and "Firefly", read every Seanan McGuire book, listen to certain songs, watch movies like "Boondock Saints" and "The Princess Bride" and "Serenity" over and over and over until words are cemented into my mind and I am babbling character quotes everywhere.

I am so very relieved for the pharmaceutical pills and supplement pills that I can take every day, plus exercises and meditative techniques that really do help me despite what people think.
I am constantly astounded every time someone says, "Wow, are you still having problems? I thought that treatment was supposed to help already! Why isn't that pill working yet?" Etc. Oh, lovelies. No, those treatments and pills have been working and helping. You just haven't seen how. You can't see inside me. The treatments just aren't working the way you think they should, that's all. They work slowly, they sometimes fail because nothing is perfect, and quite often they need to reroute around my severely damaged brain processing, which desperately needs a special reboot. Maybe hypotherapy, something non-drug to really rewire and reconnect that dying and the dead inside my neurology.
And so my fighting continues, and I wash the psychic blood off so often that I am either raw or glowing.
It echoes my outside a little, the way I care for my skin, the way I wear careful cosmetics. How my distorted body image penetrates so deep that I cannot look at myself to see what others see. But I am trying, my lovelies. I really am. I am always doing my best.

Today, I applied a nail polish called Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Divine Wine. Love it. Divine Wine is a dark, dark wine red, more red than wine. Ruby or crimson or pomegranate red. Very shiny, fairly shimmery. Plus, the varnish itself actually contains nail-strengthening ingredients, like biotin and keratin and peptides and chondroitin, so it could essentially help nails grow stronger and quicker, which is awesome. This pleases me.
My fingers look bloody and gorgeous. The color reminds me very much of a darker version of Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lip Gloss in Cherry Twist. Or maybe It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, which is a very deep, dark bloody cherry brownish berry red, which I am wearing in most of my profile photos.
A nice bing cherry red with slight gold shimmer. Dark red like cherries or pomegranates or movie blood or maybe really dark red wine, not purple but maybe with brown and pink undertones.
The varnish got all over my cuticles and I look like a baby vampire who got too excited with a first feed. There are streaks of colors on my left palm and thumb and index finger ad my right pinky finger, and it's sort of deep pinkish red with tiny sparkles.
I cannot stop staring at my fingers. So shimmery. So red. I want to drink pomegranate juice mixed with wine. I want to cover myself with healing energy, defensive energy, all the power I can find, the colors of the elements and blood and the sky and magic and the universe itself.

And so, I am a warrior princess pixie dragon girl who will always be around when someone needs help or advice. I will always lend a hand, a shoulder, a spear, a sword, a shield, a flame, a cane, a crutch, a pair of wings. I will never stop. It is what I do. It is what I am.



brightrosefox: (Default)
Today is a day of deep, deep depression, fatigue, and chronic pain so endless that the abyss is right in my face grinning. Everything is a Cheshire cat.

I have been forming this post in my head since yesterday morning, when I woke up with nothing working properly, with only bits of my brain and body truly functional, and I had to put on a mask and a whole costume, I had to grip my spears and even a sword for dear life, I had to smile and pretend to shine because I refused to worry anyone, because I didn't want to sink further.

And people tend to get tired of me constantly talking about my pains and feelings, because whoa, can't I talk about happy things, things that maybe don't involve medicine and coping mechanisms and feelings?
But here is the Big Thing: So many people feel this way. So many dear friends will read this and understand and perhaps comment and know they have someone to help them stand and fight.
And that is the other Big Thing. We do need help. We do need to stand with each other and fight. On the internet and in life, there are people who will say we are faking, that we are pill addicts, that we are attention whores, that we are crazy.

I will stand up and say, No, I am not faking, nor a pill addict, nor do I desire attention. But crazy? Yes. Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I need help. I am getting help. Medications. Therapy. Exercise. Nutrition. Supplements. Herbs. Vitamins. Holistics. I am not afraid to tell you what is happening, because you need to hear it, you who would mock and tease and bully and tell me to "Just slap a Band-Aid on it and walk it off, just exercise and feel better, just eat this food for two weeks without any drugs, just smile a lot, oh hey, I felt sad yesterday and then I got over it, I know how you feel, I wrenched my ankle last week and wrapped it up and now I feel better, I know how you feel, maybe you're just pretending, why don't you just get better? Quit talking about how much you hurt, everybody hurts, it could be worse."
It could be worse, yes oh yes. Ohhh, sweethearts, it could be so much worse. Yes.
Here, let us try something: You can have my body for a while. You can feel every single feeling I feel, think every thought I think, know every pain I know. See how it feels. No? You can't? Really? Are you sure? Still no? Oh, dear. Well, then, I suppose we will have to stop associating, even if we have only been talking via a forum, a community, a social network, a bus stop, a party, via phone, via web video, in a store, in a house. Oh, well. I thought maybe you had enough compassion, or, you know, empathy. I guess I won't find out. But you know what? If it ever happens to you - and part of me hopes it won't and part of me hopes it will - I shall still stand with you even if you hurt me, because warriors stand up.

There are beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing, extraordinary, fantastic people who are being slowly devastated, crippled, destroyed by their own bodies' various systems, for no true reason other than they just happen to live in those bodies. Some of them think about how horrible they are, how they are useless, worthless, pointless, draining, a burden to everyone around them. I feel that way quite a bit. There are some who want to harm themselves, some who want to kill themselves. I cannot do that, but I admit I have imagined it. If I truly wanted to harm myself, I would stop taking my medications. I would let all the pain crash over me in one single tsunami with wave after wave, while I spasm and shake and seize and sob and scream and shiver because I refuse to give myself relief, because I refuse to make it stop. But I will not do that. I can not do that. It would destroy everyone who loves me, whom I love. And I know that. That is another Big Thing.

To everyone reading this who feels the same way: I love you. You are loved. You will always be loved. You are extraordinary. You are amazing. You are fantastic. You are beautiful in so many ways. I love you. I will stand up with you. I will give you spears, swords, shields. I will show you how to scream a battle cry loud enough to make the gods hear you. I will show you how to launch into battle with these monsters. We will never win the war. We will often retreat covered in blood and darkness, growling and licking our wounds and crouching together to patch up each other's wounds.
I will take you by the hand and lead you outside. We will stare up at the sky and say, "Oh, this is such a beautiful sky." The sky may not look beautiful. The sky may be full of dark storm clouds and we cannot see the sun. But just because there is a storm does not mean that the sky has gone away. The clouds and the dark will move, and we will see the bright, bright sky, all shades of blue, and we will see the sun, gazing upon us like the eye of a god, giving us light and warmth and strength. We cannot look directly at the sun, but we can look at the sky and call it beautiful, and we can look at each other, covered in war wounds, and say we are beautiful. We are. We are beautiful.
I love you.















Oh, and I wanted to add: I took my painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs today, of course. They are helping, of course. I got exercise, I meditated deeply, I spoke with a therapist, I ate healthful happy foods, I did all the things people suggest one does in these situations. I am very very slowly working my way back to a steady and stable mood, but it will take a while - many people don't understand that it takes a while. That is yet another Big Thing. "Why isn't your treatment working yet? What is wrong with you? Shouldn't you be feeling better by now? Why are you still like this?"
It is tiring, and it is irritating. But I am still going to share, and speak, and stand, and stay strong. Because you asked. Because you need to know. Because I love you.
brightrosefox: (Default)


OMG, you guys, check out this nail color! The application was messy and silly because I'm spastic and trembly, but I did it!
It's the nail polish I got from Roots Organic Market: No-Miss One-Coat Polish in Riverview Rave 401, which is a very dark deep purple with blue shimmer. It reminds me of aubergine. Yummy eggplant.
When they said "one coat" they weren't kidding. It's really thick and intense. It dries quickly and makes my nails feel silky. And since it doesn't contain the smelly chemicals that other nail varnishes contain, it smells fairly nice. I had no idea that nail polish contained formaldehyde until I saw this stuff. No wonder nail salons always make my head hurt.
http://www.nomiss.com/proddetail.php?prod=401
http://www.feelgoodbuzz.com/tag/no-miss-nail-polish

You'll notice that there's some polish all over my cuticles. That was deliberate, so my subconscious OCD monster won't pick and rip at dead skin until I get hangnails and open wounds. I don't bite my nails, I rip up the cuticles. It gets annoying, especially when I develop mild paronychia in my index fingers and middle fingers and thumbs. I'm hoping that the paint will make all that stop so I can properly moisturize and nourish my hands without needing to treat infections in my fingers.

The photo looks slightly blurry because my hands were shaky, but the color came out beautifully. I'm so proud of myself! This is a major accomplishment, you guys. Anything I do that overpowers my fine motor coordination crippledness is a major accomplishment.

Also, in case you were curious, the gemstones in those silver-wrapped rings are: three pyrope garnet stones on my right hand, and a light blue kyanite center stone with lapis lazuli side stones on my left hand. Handmade by an online friend.
brightrosefox: (Default)
How it all began:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151013741440684&l=48f6e7bcb2
Click on the '1 Share' button to see comments that inspired the title of Peaceful Dragon.

Copied from Facebook.

***
Now I am too exhausted to... what was I saying?
I'm going to bed now.

Also, someone just called me a "Mediterranean Warrior Fae with coffee cognac amber eyes." That makes me feel happy, and also strengthened.
***
Today is a day of pain too extreme for mere words.

But that's why my favorite eyeshadow is called Psychedelic Sister.

My mind has special places in which I can safely lose myself during transcendental meditation, in which my imagination and sensory perceptions can be shaped, molded, and altered bit by bit to work alongside damaged neural pathways, to become fully psychoactive on my own, through my own private power.

This will take years beyond years, but I have eternity in the spirit world. Sometimes my senses are surrounded by and colored in various shades of purple, with color shifts, duochrome shimmers, and iridescent glimmers of every color I can think of.

I know Psychedelic Sister is just the name of a shimmery deep amethyst cosmetic pigment, but it has a special meaning. Just like various other eyeshadows.

Urban Decay
Loaded: Deep metallic emerald
Evidence: Shimmery deep navy blue
Hijack: Deep metallic teal
Lost: Medium metallic brown
Snakebite: Shimmery dark bronze
Shattered: Shimmery gold turquoise
YDK: Shimmery cool bronze
S&M: Shimmery steel gray taupe
Midnight Rodeo: Glittery silver taupe
Maui Wowie: Metallic golden beige
Last Call: Metallic sugar plum
Darkhorse: Shimmery deep mocha
Half Baked: Shimmery golden bronze

Too Faced
Midnight Mist: Midnight Sapphire Violet Duotone
Poison Orchid: Midnight Amethyst Gray Duotone
Firefly: Shimmery Antique Gold
Petals To The Metal: Metallic Brown Blue Duotone
Violet Femme: Shimmery Lavender Gold Duotone
Enchanted Garden: Golden Espresso Duotone

Maybelline Color Pearls Marbleized
Downtown Denim
Persuasive Plum
Lawless Lavender
Navy Narcissist

It really is amazing and powerful to me, how color can help alter the way I see myself. The instant I apply concealer or foundation, it begins.
Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation in Shade 2.0
It Cosmetics Bye Bye Concealer in Light
Lauren Brooke Creme Concealer in Warm Light
Lauren Brooke Creme Foundation in Warm 2
CoverGirl Olay Tone Rehab Foundation in Classic Ivory
Raesin Images Creme Foundation in Linen 2
Korres Quercetin Oak Concealer in Fair

Obviously this is a lot, but my memory is quietly being gently destroyed bit by tiny bit. I always write everything down. All it matters is that I can alter my palette constantly and see myself in new colors, in new ways, every day. I am art.
***
In the lair of the Peaceful Dragon.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151018197555684.415074.640545683&type=1&l=74078a637b
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151018374415684&l=99512fe686
Filled with strong colors and shiny things.
***
Thing I have most recently learned about myself: When I am having a pleasant conversation on Facebook about something enjoyable regarding a status or a photo, I should feel absolutely no remorse in deleting critical, snide, or rude comments that have nothing to do with the conversation. I have learned that if I really want a critical opinion, I would be happy to privately message the critic and figure out why they decided to be critical in the first place. I like learning new things about myself!
***
Stupid news: Having a temperature over 99.1 and being ragey over ridiculous whims of ridiculous body and ridiculous brain.
Fuck It news: Planning the weekend no matter what. Peaceful Mediterranean Fae Dragon Warrior is fucking peaceful, damn it.
Really Fucked Up news: Actually literally being too weak to finish editing these fiction stories or do anything but limp and stumble.

Time to crawl into bed and rage against the dying of the light so hard that in every dimension beyond this one I erupt into a wild flare and shine brighter than a fucking supernova - until every spirit, alien, and interdimensional entity all rush to gather around, break out the sunglasses, and share popcorn.

Peacefully, that is.
***

I will be a good Mediterranean Dragon Princess. With many shiny things. Including coffee and chocolate and honey, and chocolate honey coffee.
brightrosefox: (Default)
Oh my gods, is it that ridiculous "Invisible Illness Awareness Week" again?
I'm too drained to say anything smart about it. I'll just repeat what other disabled friends have said: Advocate every day. Be aware every day. Just like every other "Thing Awareness Week."
I really do understand why many people really love "Thing Awareness Week" because it brings so much attention to a cause and it helps so many people understand and it helps all the people affected by Thing to be understood and treated like people and treated well.
But the point is to live Thing Awareness every day. Now that people know about Thing To Be Aware Of, they should keep doing it. I hope that is happening. There are many many Things to be aware of. I guess, then, that is why there are Thing Awareness Weeks to begin with. Because there are so many Things that people forget or discriminate or something.
I am disabled. I have Invisible illnesses. I also have Visible Illnesses. I am a cripple. Every single day. Hi.
I have more thoughts, but they are mostly whargarbl and shmoo and guh. I should let other people with more words speak.

I am so very tired. I need sleep now. Because of Thing.

Be Aware. That is the thing.
We are not going anywhere. We are still here. We only look hidden.
Be Aware.













(All photos were taken by me, with an LG Phoenix smartphone camera. They came out better than I'd expected. Makeup applied by me all from It Cosmetics: Bye Bye Concealer in Light. Vitality Lip Flush in Love Story. Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman. Eye Shadow Trio in Pretty In Plum. Eye Shadow Trio in Pretty In Smoke. Hello Lashes Mascara in Black. https://www.itcosmetics.com)
brightrosefox: (Default)
Since I'm not very well, I'm going to try and cheer other people up.
Here, have a Luxt cover of "The Safety Dance" which is awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5cRJjP7c2E

In sort of unrelated things, I've been taking a bunch of candid self-portraits to capture the feeling of being disabled in so many different ways.
Also, it proves that my eyes change color from coffee to amber in natural sunlight. Which amuses me, because coffee extract and amber resin are extremely nourishing to the body and skin.
Also, depressed and in pain. Because stupid life.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151012653470684.414043.640545683&type=1&l=7eb058c754
brightrosefox: (Default)
Every time I see my dentist, we share a laugh because we know the x-rays and cleanings will show that everything is perfect. Today was perfect again, save for a single stained molar that may eventually probably lead to a tiny cavity. I can take care of that easily. Adam got his first implant finally finished, too. Small incremental payments will take a long time, but at least he has a tooth instead of not a tooth.
Afterward, we killed time at Walmart until I could eat. I bought several packs of panties, socks, pajama pants, and body care products at half the price of CVS. We went home, made egg and goat cheese bagels for breakfast, vacuumed and moved the living room rugs around, then both took Ultram for various stupid pains. Adam stayed to play PS3, while I went upstairs to play with cosmetics.

Turquoise gold eyeshadow really does look good on me. I keep forgetting how amazing Urban Decay shadows are (I'm wearing Shattered, and I also have S&M, Bust, and Loaded). I want to get the Bender shadow (metallic forest green with gold shimmer) mostly because of the name, but the color is gorgeous. Also, the Naked Skin Foundation feels like real skin care with all the peptides. And the Supercurl eyeshadow has Moringa oil and Shea Butter and actually curls. I completed the look with IT Cosmetics Lip Flush in Pretty Woman layered over Lauren Brook Lip Colour in Rouge, and it looks fabulous. I can't wait to try their mascara.
Also, I have finally learned how to wear plastic toothed headbands without pain. It appears that Scunci Effortless Beauty Skinny Plastic Headbands 4-pack won't dig into my skull, and they're shiny and durable, so yay. I am wearing the silvery black band.
Also, I need to get my eyebrows waxed by either Linda at Clippers Salon or Katie at Karen's Salon. It's around that time of growth. At least my hair matches my brows so it's less obvious. I don't like having thick eyebrows since mine grow in asymmetrically.
I do think I look pretty, though.

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