beautiful insane

Last night he said to me: "See, you have a natural beauty. You're naturally beautiful without makeup. But if you were to wear makeup and dress up enough and go out to the clubs, every head would turn and every jaw would drop and I would have to be very careful because every guy there would be following you around hitting on you."
I added, "And some women."
"Absolutely," he said, "but I'd be less worried then."

Days I stare in the mirror and think, pretty, pretty, so cute, so tiny. I sweep on compact foundation (Loreal Feel Naturale in Pale) and that evens out/brightens my face. I dab it on my lips to keep the lipstick color true and non-bleedable, so it stains my lips rather than paints them. I use lipsticks that have a red-pink/rose/wine/plum color (Almay Vitality in #28, Neutrogena in Luscious Blush/Blushing Tulip, Naked Kiss/Liquid Kiss in Sugar/Nymph, Lip Ink in Champange/Lo-Cognac/Rose/Rosewood). I can never get the hang of eyeliner so I just use dark eyeshadow and blend it. I use the lipstick as a blush. I hate mascara. It always looks clumpy.

That's not so hard. Only a few minutes. I keep forgetting that everyone else thinks I'm beautiful. When I want to be. Anyone can be anything when they want to be. Most people just forget to want.

(no subject)

You know you've had it for the day when you answer the phone and the person on the other end asks why you sound unconscious.

I'm fatigued as hell. It comes and goes. It always has. But now that I have a steady job and a steady life, it's so much worse. The sciatica is back. I can feel it burning the back of my right thigh. That's bad. If it gets worse it means six months of acupuncture and physical therapy and heavy painkillers. I hate the CP. It makes me so tired so often. I can't keep up with my friends. I hurt too often. I wish it would stop.

It'll take a few weeks for the supplements to kick in--the DLPA and the DMAE. They should help me. Even my physician recommended it. After those, I'm just going to use a single supplement called Attend, which was designed for ADD/ADHD, but has enough ingredients to help me. I don't want anything prescription. The side effects would annoy me too much. I'm just waiting. I want to feel more alive. I don't. I hate feeling dead.