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I love research. Especially medical and nutritional and health-wise. I think it stems from my CP. As much as I wish I'd never been born with cerebral palsy, part of me wonders how different I'd be--for better or worse.
In my web searches, I found a good definition of my affliction:
"Spastic cerebral palsy. In this form of cerebral palsy, which affects 70 to 80 percent of patients, the muscles are stiffly and permanently contracted. Doctors will often describe which type of spastic cerebral palsy a patient has based on which limbs are affected. The names given to these types combine a Latin description of affected limbs with the term plegia or paresis, meaning paralyzed or weak.
Individuals with spastic hemiparesis may also experience hemiparetic tremors, in which uncontrollable shaking affects the limbs on one side of the body. If these tremors are severe, they can seriously impair movement.
Ataxic cerebral palsy. This rare form affects the sense of balance and depth perception. Affected persons often have poor coordination; walk unsteadily with a wide-based gait, placing their feet unusually far apart; and experience difficulty when attempting quick or precise movements, such as writing or buttoning a shirt. They may also have intention tremor. In this form of tremor, beginning a voluntary movement, such as reaching for a book, causes a trembling that affects the body part being used and that worsens as the individual gets nearer to the desired object. The ataxic form affects an estimated 5 to 10 percent of cerebral palsy patients.
Mixed forms. It is common for patients to have symptoms of more than one of the previous three forms. The most common mixed form includes spasticity and athetoid movements but other combinations are also possible."
I've got spastic and ataxic, which is very rare. I have never had athetoid. Ever seen those CP kids who drool and their eyes droop and they can't control their facial muscles--the ones who can't really speak well? That's athetoid CP. That's unfortunately one of the landmark stigmas that I wish people would stop associating with CP. Those kids aren't retarded. They're just trapped in their own bodies. I'm actually extraordinarily lucky that I've got such a mild case without athetoid.
Another section I read kind of hit me over the head with a hammer:
"Many individuals who have cerebral palsy have no associated medical disorders. However, disorders that involve the brain and impair its motor function can also cause seizures and impair an individual's intellectual development, attentiveness to the outside world, activity and behavior, and vision and hearing."
This would most definitely explain why I space out so much, why I seem so internally focused, why it looks like I never pay attention, why I have trouble with my senses and forming thoughts into words, why I have dyscalculia (math dyslexia), and obviously why I have those little seizures. As much as it annoys my friends and family when I act spacey or stupid, it's not my fault. Do you hear me? It's not my fault. It's not deliberate. You think I want to act like this? I wish to god I could do math problems in my head and focus on stuff like everyone else. Part of it is because I inherited ADD from my mom, but part of it is due to the fact that a small section of my brain is technically dead.
And I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I'm really not. These are the facts. It's not just something I can completely overcome all by myself. It's not just "in my head." Yes, the muscle function/coordination part has improved 90% thanks to my dear friends, but the rest won't go away. You have to understand that. It is not all in my fucking head. I wish I could make you understand. Just because people like Adam learned to overcome their problems just like that doesn't mean I can, and I have to live with that. So nyeh.
I am so unbelievably happy that I can now live my life like a normal person, at least on the outside, that I can use my left hand like normal people and not feel like a retard if my hand shakes and I drop something. But that doesn't change the fact that I am a victim of an unfortunate neuromuscular disorder, however mild it may be for me. And yes, I say it like that: victim. I didn't choose it. I never wanted it. But it's too late to send it back. It's a part of me--whether I like it or not, and especially whether you all like it or not.
In my web searches, I found a good definition of my affliction:
"Spastic cerebral palsy. In this form of cerebral palsy, which affects 70 to 80 percent of patients, the muscles are stiffly and permanently contracted. Doctors will often describe which type of spastic cerebral palsy a patient has based on which limbs are affected. The names given to these types combine a Latin description of affected limbs with the term plegia or paresis, meaning paralyzed or weak.
Individuals with spastic hemiparesis may also experience hemiparetic tremors, in which uncontrollable shaking affects the limbs on one side of the body. If these tremors are severe, they can seriously impair movement.
Ataxic cerebral palsy. This rare form affects the sense of balance and depth perception. Affected persons often have poor coordination; walk unsteadily with a wide-based gait, placing their feet unusually far apart; and experience difficulty when attempting quick or precise movements, such as writing or buttoning a shirt. They may also have intention tremor. In this form of tremor, beginning a voluntary movement, such as reaching for a book, causes a trembling that affects the body part being used and that worsens as the individual gets nearer to the desired object. The ataxic form affects an estimated 5 to 10 percent of cerebral palsy patients.
Mixed forms. It is common for patients to have symptoms of more than one of the previous three forms. The most common mixed form includes spasticity and athetoid movements but other combinations are also possible."
I've got spastic and ataxic, which is very rare. I have never had athetoid. Ever seen those CP kids who drool and their eyes droop and they can't control their facial muscles--the ones who can't really speak well? That's athetoid CP. That's unfortunately one of the landmark stigmas that I wish people would stop associating with CP. Those kids aren't retarded. They're just trapped in their own bodies. I'm actually extraordinarily lucky that I've got such a mild case without athetoid.
Another section I read kind of hit me over the head with a hammer:
"Many individuals who have cerebral palsy have no associated medical disorders. However, disorders that involve the brain and impair its motor function can also cause seizures and impair an individual's intellectual development, attentiveness to the outside world, activity and behavior, and vision and hearing."
This would most definitely explain why I space out so much, why I seem so internally focused, why it looks like I never pay attention, why I have trouble with my senses and forming thoughts into words, why I have dyscalculia (math dyslexia), and obviously why I have those little seizures. As much as it annoys my friends and family when I act spacey or stupid, it's not my fault. Do you hear me? It's not my fault. It's not deliberate. You think I want to act like this? I wish to god I could do math problems in my head and focus on stuff like everyone else. Part of it is because I inherited ADD from my mom, but part of it is due to the fact that a small section of my brain is technically dead.
And I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I'm really not. These are the facts. It's not just something I can completely overcome all by myself. It's not just "in my head." Yes, the muscle function/coordination part has improved 90% thanks to my dear friends, but the rest won't go away. You have to understand that. It is not all in my fucking head. I wish I could make you understand. Just because people like Adam learned to overcome their problems just like that doesn't mean I can, and I have to live with that. So nyeh.
I am so unbelievably happy that I can now live my life like a normal person, at least on the outside, that I can use my left hand like normal people and not feel like a retard if my hand shakes and I drop something. But that doesn't change the fact that I am a victim of an unfortunate neuromuscular disorder, however mild it may be for me. And yes, I say it like that: victim. I didn't choose it. I never wanted it. But it's too late to send it back. It's a part of me--whether I like it or not, and especially whether you all like it or not.