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Say hello to paaaaaiiiin
Sep. 23rd, 2003 11:11 amOh my dear gods, when did this happen? There aren't any muscles in the back of my neck--there are knots. And they're moving! Twitch. I don't think I have EVER had knots like this in my neck. What the hell was I doing in my sleep last night? Christ!
I have noticed something distressing, which is leading to an even more distressing potential decision: Seems like every morning I walk into the library, I instantly become dark and crabby silent snarly girl. I have concluded that I have been drawing off of people's moods, which have not been exactly happy lately. And it's not on the surface. I've been diving into the layer just below the surface in some people's minds, picking out all the icky bad feelings and taking them into myself. Maybe to give them some relief? I dunno. Raymond at least knows I'm a strong empath, so he's generally careful about being all surly and Italian around me, but that's only surface stuff. I have a tendency to go deeper.
So, I have started coming to the painful conclusion that I may need to put up all my shields for work. And I mean all of them. Not just the deeper layers. I may need to shut myself off empathically. I have never, ever done that. My empathic nature is linked directly to how I function. I don't know what might happen if I shut it all off. I don't want to. I do know that as the day goes on and as everyone's thoughts turn more toward the workload, I get happier, because there's no dark cloud hanging over the office. What I may have to do is just put up a basic deflector and not let myself reach out at all. To anyone. For anything. Not till the day is over. I love my job and I love my coworkers. It's not their fault. I need to remind myself that other people have their own pain to deal with. It's none of my concern and I shouldn't make it mine. And I certainly can't go up to everyone and ask them to stop thinking about bad personal problems around me. This is my problem. I need to handle it. I need to ground myself more often, build my defenses, and tell myself that it truly is okay to close myself off. I need to go into the black and become as primal and as distant as I can, so that such human emotion doesn't hit as hard. I can always come back to gray or white later on.
BTW, thanks to Danny for telling me about chakras white, gray, and black (innocence and purity; basic emotion and function; primal dark coldness). Maybe one day we'll figure out what red, blue, and green mean.
I have noticed something distressing, which is leading to an even more distressing potential decision: Seems like every morning I walk into the library, I instantly become dark and crabby silent snarly girl. I have concluded that I have been drawing off of people's moods, which have not been exactly happy lately. And it's not on the surface. I've been diving into the layer just below the surface in some people's minds, picking out all the icky bad feelings and taking them into myself. Maybe to give them some relief? I dunno. Raymond at least knows I'm a strong empath, so he's generally careful about being all surly and Italian around me, but that's only surface stuff. I have a tendency to go deeper.
So, I have started coming to the painful conclusion that I may need to put up all my shields for work. And I mean all of them. Not just the deeper layers. I may need to shut myself off empathically. I have never, ever done that. My empathic nature is linked directly to how I function. I don't know what might happen if I shut it all off. I don't want to. I do know that as the day goes on and as everyone's thoughts turn more toward the workload, I get happier, because there's no dark cloud hanging over the office. What I may have to do is just put up a basic deflector and not let myself reach out at all. To anyone. For anything. Not till the day is over. I love my job and I love my coworkers. It's not their fault. I need to remind myself that other people have their own pain to deal with. It's none of my concern and I shouldn't make it mine. And I certainly can't go up to everyone and ask them to stop thinking about bad personal problems around me. This is my problem. I need to handle it. I need to ground myself more often, build my defenses, and tell myself that it truly is okay to close myself off. I need to go into the black and become as primal and as distant as I can, so that such human emotion doesn't hit as hard. I can always come back to gray or white later on.
BTW, thanks to Danny for telling me about chakras white, gray, and black (innocence and purity; basic emotion and function; primal dark coldness). Maybe one day we'll figure out what red, blue, and green mean.
