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My Own Prison
Jan. 8th, 2004 02:01 pmIt has come to this. No one's pushed me or forced me. This time it's all me: I need to learn to drive. More importantly, I need to let go of this phobia. I know it's okay to be scared; there are a lot of nuts on the road and accidents happen. But that shouldn't stop me from at least trying. I have to try. If I start having panic attacks or seizures, so be it; I'll have a doctor confirm an offcial you-can't-drive diagnosis or I'll submit to real medication. But it all boils down to my vicious anxiety disorder and my submissive willingness to succumb to it.
I had a series of nightmares last night: One was me driving on a highway and literally choking with panic, shaking so hard the steering wheel was vibrating. Another was me at my own wedding, trembling like a leaf and terrified I was going to ruin my white gown that my mother had made for me. Yet another was me at my own book signing, squirming in my chair while I faced a long line of eager people waiting for my autograph.
I know these are probably premonitions. Some way, somehow, they will happen. And I fear that the panic will accompany them. These are all major events. I know that the majority of anxiety-stricken people have fears of their bodies turning against them: sudden diarrhea or vomiting or fainting. When I took the written DMV exam for the second time, waiting in the little room for my turn, I was forced to excuse myself and bolt for the bathroom at the other end of the building. I am terrified of something like that happening again. It's pointless to carry around Imodium pills for the rest of my life; they might do harm eventually. But what can I do? Even when I tell myself to relax, or do accupressure or deep breathing, the physical response has already been set in motion. That's horribly embarrasing, to be in a public place, right before a major event, and have to turn around and disappear for a while.
Something will have to be done to at least mitigate the physical effects of panic and anxiety. I may have to break down and talk to a professional psychiatrist. But I know that in any case, things must change. I have come so far with social interactions, and I'm really proud of myself for that. Now if I could just learn to live with myself and all my shortcomings, mistakes, and issues, I'd be all right.
I had a series of nightmares last night: One was me driving on a highway and literally choking with panic, shaking so hard the steering wheel was vibrating. Another was me at my own wedding, trembling like a leaf and terrified I was going to ruin my white gown that my mother had made for me. Yet another was me at my own book signing, squirming in my chair while I faced a long line of eager people waiting for my autograph.
I know these are probably premonitions. Some way, somehow, they will happen. And I fear that the panic will accompany them. These are all major events. I know that the majority of anxiety-stricken people have fears of their bodies turning against them: sudden diarrhea or vomiting or fainting. When I took the written DMV exam for the second time, waiting in the little room for my turn, I was forced to excuse myself and bolt for the bathroom at the other end of the building. I am terrified of something like that happening again. It's pointless to carry around Imodium pills for the rest of my life; they might do harm eventually. But what can I do? Even when I tell myself to relax, or do accupressure or deep breathing, the physical response has already been set in motion. That's horribly embarrasing, to be in a public place, right before a major event, and have to turn around and disappear for a while.
Something will have to be done to at least mitigate the physical effects of panic and anxiety. I may have to break down and talk to a professional psychiatrist. But I know that in any case, things must change. I have come so far with social interactions, and I'm really proud of myself for that. Now if I could just learn to live with myself and all my shortcomings, mistakes, and issues, I'd be all right.
