Oh, I feel huge and bloated today. Someone tell me no.
I had a very odd dream last night, this morning: Adam and I were in a giant hotel area reserved for wedding receptions and parties and such. We were dressed casually. For some reason, it was our wedding. I was telling him over and over pleading, "Don't wear the yamaka, don't wear the tallas, please just leave out the religion, don't let them push this on us again" harking back to our actual ceremony which means I still must be somewhat bitter about his parents giving him the yamaka, the tallas, and the huppa. Adam says there is a difference between following religion and respecting it... but even though we were respecting it I just didn't want any of it, deep in the back of my brain, and my dreams spit it out and made me face it. I really don't think of it now, but some part of me does apparently. I know this makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch. But... you know. The loud pushy mother-in-law wanting and getting. And my brain had been chaotically frazzled back then; I might have agreed to a parade of sheep playing violins.
Back to the dream. We were watching people gather around. We lined up, arm in arm to follow a line of people down an aisle. But suddenly it was not our wedding. There was a woman at the head of the line dressed in a bridal gown. There was no groom. Adam, the only man in this line-up stepped away from me and walked up the line, taking the hand of each woman briefly, making his way to the bride; for some reason because he was the only man he was supposed to escort all the women. But he did not come back to me. He almost reached the bride... and then I woke up.
I told Adam about the dream. He said that the first part was probably me trying to work through my irritation over losing control of my wedding (although honestly I can barely remember anything that happened in the two months leading up to that day). He said it was okay, it didn't matter because we are married, it happened, and it was just a formality, just a ceremony -- I have him regardless of how it happened. He said that the second part was my fear that I would lose him. He took my hand and said, "You won't lose me. I'm not going anywhere. We are married, till death do us part, which means you'll have to kill me to get rid of me."
Yes, awww.
I do not think I will be eating much tonight. Pity, as Adam is making delicious juicy chicken, with soy sauce the way I like it. I will make a good attempt to be hungry. People are smoking pot tonight, so perhaps the smoke drifting through the living room will give me the appetite I wish for. I will never smoke again, as we have learned from years ago that inhaling and the resulting oxygen deprivation causes grand mal seizures. But the smoke itself in the air is in fact calming for my poor neurons. Funny, that.
I will try to eat more than I want to. I promise.
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