unexpected triggering

I was reading about Lunapanties, which are panties worn in place of disposable pantyliners. I looked at the size chart, and as usual I expected to be a Small or Extra Small. According to their particular size chart, I would have to buy a Medium.
It was such a powerful, intense trigger that I closed the browser immediately, shoved the thought from my mind (naturally it kept coming back) and covered my abdomen with my hands and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I felt the hard, flat muscles of my upper abs constricting against my palms as I breathed. I felt the soft female padding on my lower abs give and move when I pressed my fingers into it. I felt my backside pressing against the chair, my butt which felt too soft, too round, too big. And all I could think, all I wanted, was "I need to be thin again, I need to be thin again, I don't want to be a medium size in panties" and I thought it over and over because I could not stop it
And yet I knew, I knew, I knew that I was still thin, because the doctor said so and that damn useless BMI calculator said so and everyone said so.
And that is the problem with this kind of sickness. It's not my fault, and I will say it loud to the faces of those who call anorexics "stupid" and "attention whores" and who believe that a vicious eating disorder is entirely the fault of the sufferer. This is real. This isn't a cry for attention. I would have never let this happen if I could have stopped it.
I wish I didn't think these thoughts. I wish it didn't matter. I wish right now that I could go into my kitchen and make myself breakfast and know that my throat won't try to close up when I swallow more than a few bites.
Recovering and recovered are two different creatures.

Fuck.

I'll be calling the therapist soon to talk.

Fuck.

unexpected triggering

I was reading about Lunapanties, which are panties worn in place of disposable pantyliners. I looked at the size chart, and as usual I expected to be a Small or Extra Small. According to their particular size chart, I would have to buy a Medium.
It was such a powerful, intense trigger that I closed the browser immediately, shoved the thought from my mind (naturally it kept coming back) and covered my abdomen with my hands and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I felt the hard, flat muscles of my upper abs constricting against my palms as I breathed. I felt the soft female padding on my lower abs give and move when I pressed my fingers into it. I felt my backside pressing against the chair, my butt which felt too soft, too round, too big. And all I could think, all I wanted, was "I need to be thin again, I need to be thin again, I don't want to be a medium size in panties" and I thought it over and over because I could not stop it
And yet I knew, I knew, I knew that I was still thin, because the doctor said so and that damn useless BMI calculator said so and everyone said so.
And that is the problem with this kind of sickness. It's not my fault, and I will say it loud to the faces of those who call anorexics "stupid" and "attention whores" and who believe that a vicious eating disorder is entirely the fault of the sufferer. This is real. This isn't a cry for attention. I would have never let this happen if I could have stopped it.
I wish I didn't think these thoughts. I wish it didn't matter. I wish right now that I could go into my kitchen and make myself breakfast and know that my throat won't try to close up when I swallow more than a few bites.
Recovering and recovered are two different creatures.

Fuck.

I'll be calling the therapist soon to talk.

Fuck.

unexpected triggering

I was reading about Lunapanties, which are panties worn in place of disposable pantyliners. I looked at the size chart, and as usual I expected to be a Small or Extra Small. According to their particular size chart, I would have to buy a Medium.
It was such a powerful, intense trigger that I closed the browser immediately, shoved the thought from my mind (naturally it kept coming back) and covered my abdomen with my hands and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I felt the hard, flat muscles of my upper abs constricting against my palms as I breathed. I felt the soft female padding on my lower abs give and move when I pressed my fingers into it. I felt my backside pressing against the chair, my butt which felt too soft, too round, too big. And all I could think, all I wanted, was "I need to be thin again, I need to be thin again, I don't want to be a medium size in panties" and I thought it over and over because I could not stop it
And yet I knew, I knew, I knew that I was still thin, because the doctor said so and that damn useless BMI calculator said so and everyone said so.
And that is the problem with this kind of sickness. It's not my fault, and I will say it loud to the faces of those who call anorexics "stupid" and "attention whores" and who believe that a vicious eating disorder is entirely the fault of the sufferer. This is real. This isn't a cry for attention. I would have never let this happen if I could have stopped it.
I wish I didn't think these thoughts. I wish it didn't matter. I wish right now that I could go into my kitchen and make myself breakfast and know that my throat won't try to close up when I swallow more than a few bites.
Recovering and recovered are two different creatures.

Fuck.

I'll be calling the therapist soon to talk.

Fuck.

Yes, better

I ate a tin of smoked oysters and feel okay. I've been waiting for the Comcast technician to come and replace the cable box since eleven -- they said it would be anywhere from eleven to two. And at one-thirty, I got a call saying the technician was delayed. I was hoping to take a bus ride into old town Gaithersburg after he was all done, but I may not have time. This has resulted in a frustrated boredom. I just called Comcast and told them to forget it and that I would schedule something for later. The only thing that's wrong is that the guide and information functions are gone. This is annoying, but it's not a bad thing. I can still change channels. But I don't want my day wasted just because a cable guy is delayed.

I know my last post about the triggering was ridiculous and stupid, so please ignore it.

I'm going to take the bus to Special Treasures and see if the amber ring I wanted is still there. My paycheck was deposited this morning, even though Monday is the last day of the month. They've done this occasionally, when payday is supposed to fall on a Monday; I guess it's to be nice to the employees who have direct deposit. This does not mean I should go on a shopping spree. It just means I can start paying bills and get things out of the way so I can put aside money for myself. I just really want that amber ring. It had Celtic triquetra knots on the side, like my wedding ring. It is also a perfect fit for my right middle finger and won't upstage the engagement ring. I hope they still have it. If not, I can always get another jade stone ring. I just want out of the house. Go for a walk. Not think about the absurdity of certain mindsets, and actually enjoy my nice round solid ass.

Yes.

Yes, better

I ate a tin of smoked oysters and feel okay. I've been waiting for the Comcast technician to come and replace the cable box since eleven -- they said it would be anywhere from eleven to two. And at one-thirty, I got a call saying the technician was delayed. I was hoping to take a bus ride into old town Gaithersburg after he was all done, but I may not have time. This has resulted in a frustrated boredom. I just called Comcast and told them to forget it and that I would schedule something for later. The only thing that's wrong is that the guide and information functions are gone. This is annoying, but it's not a bad thing. I can still change channels. But I don't want my day wasted just because a cable guy is delayed.

I know my last post about the triggering was ridiculous and stupid, so please ignore it.

I'm going to take the bus to Special Treasures and see if the amber ring I wanted is still there. My paycheck was deposited this morning, even though Monday is the last day of the month. They've done this occasionally, when payday is supposed to fall on a Monday; I guess it's to be nice to the employees who have direct deposit. This does not mean I should go on a shopping spree. It just means I can start paying bills and get things out of the way so I can put aside money for myself. I just really want that amber ring. It had Celtic triquetra knots on the side, like my wedding ring. It is also a perfect fit for my right middle finger and won't upstage the engagement ring. I hope they still have it. If not, I can always get another jade stone ring. I just want out of the house. Go for a walk. Not think about the absurdity of certain mindsets, and actually enjoy my nice round solid ass.

Yes.

Yes, better

I ate a tin of smoked oysters and feel okay. I've been waiting for the Comcast technician to come and replace the cable box since eleven -- they said it would be anywhere from eleven to two. And at one-thirty, I got a call saying the technician was delayed. I was hoping to take a bus ride into old town Gaithersburg after he was all done, but I may not have time. This has resulted in a frustrated boredom. I just called Comcast and told them to forget it and that I would schedule something for later. The only thing that's wrong is that the guide and information functions are gone. This is annoying, but it's not a bad thing. I can still change channels. But I don't want my day wasted just because a cable guy is delayed.

I know my last post about the triggering was ridiculous and stupid, so please ignore it.

I'm going to take the bus to Special Treasures and see if the amber ring I wanted is still there. My paycheck was deposited this morning, even though Monday is the last day of the month. They've done this occasionally, when payday is supposed to fall on a Monday; I guess it's to be nice to the employees who have direct deposit. This does not mean I should go on a shopping spree. It just means I can start paying bills and get things out of the way so I can put aside money for myself. I just really want that amber ring. It had Celtic triquetra knots on the side, like my wedding ring. It is also a perfect fit for my right middle finger and won't upstage the engagement ring. I hope they still have it. If not, I can always get another jade stone ring. I just want out of the house. Go for a walk. Not think about the absurdity of certain mindsets, and actually enjoy my nice round solid ass.

Yes.

traveling to clear the mind

I've never walked through Old Towne Gaithersburg on my own, gone on a bus. It's a cute, quaint place. I did get the amber ring, but it is something to be worn on special occasions, not every day. I lingered around for a time. I should have gotten coffee. Rain makes me exhausted.
Danny brought home Adam's paycheck, in cash, which will be for May's mortgage. I found out that my bank has Sunday hours at certain branches, so I will see if I can hop a bus tomorrow morning. I don't like the idea of carrying around over a thousand dollars in cash until Monday.
I might make a small pasta dish with black olives for dinner. Or maybe just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. I wish I felt even slightly hungry.
I'm okay.
Promise.

traveling to clear the mind

I've never walked through Old Towne Gaithersburg on my own, gone on a bus. It's a cute, quaint place. I did get the amber ring, but it is something to be worn on special occasions, not every day. I lingered around for a time. I should have gotten coffee. Rain makes me exhausted.
Danny brought home Adam's paycheck, in cash, which will be for May's mortgage. I found out that my bank has Sunday hours at certain branches, so I will see if I can hop a bus tomorrow morning. I don't like the idea of carrying around over a thousand dollars in cash until Monday.
I might make a small pasta dish with black olives for dinner. Or maybe just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. I wish I felt even slightly hungry.
I'm okay.
Promise.

traveling to clear the mind

I've never walked through Old Towne Gaithersburg on my own, gone on a bus. It's a cute, quaint place. I did get the amber ring, but it is something to be worn on special occasions, not every day. I lingered around for a time. I should have gotten coffee. Rain makes me exhausted.
Danny brought home Adam's paycheck, in cash, which will be for May's mortgage. I found out that my bank has Sunday hours at certain branches, so I will see if I can hop a bus tomorrow morning. I don't like the idea of carrying around over a thousand dollars in cash until Monday.
I might make a small pasta dish with black olives for dinner. Or maybe just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. I wish I felt even slightly hungry.
I'm okay.
Promise.

vacuum-loving cats

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1287&cache=1
http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=422217

o_O

*raises eyebrows*

0_0

Wow. I didn't think cats would ever enjoy that.

vacuum-loving cats

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1287&cache=1
http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=422217

o_O

*raises eyebrows*

0_0

Wow. I didn't think cats would ever enjoy that.

vacuum-loving cats

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1287&cache=1
http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=422217

o_O

*raises eyebrows*

0_0

Wow. I didn't think cats would ever enjoy that.