My fierce candle is still burning brightly

Dear Bullshit: Please don't start happening around me until this depression has lifted at least a little. I will do my part by refusing to engage in arguments disguised as discussions, whether on Facebook, forums and communities for varied disabilities, or blogs.
I am not well at all. My husband will be home soon, we will run errands tomorrow, and I will try to put myself on autopilot with the toughest strongest masks I have, because in my emotional brain I just want to curl up, read books and blogs I like, eat only if I feel very hungry, and not talk to anyone unless I think there is something worth talking about.
I know that everyone I love on Facebook and Livejournal will rise up and stand with me and give me strength, hope, love courage, and light. I am so very deeply grateful and just the thought moves me to tears. But I have no idea what my depression trigger was or is, and I don't want that unknown trigger to strike again and knock me down even deeper. I am responsible for myself and always will be, but it is always beautiful to know I have friends at my side, at my back, and standing in front with open arms.
You'll do that, right? You'll love me? Even if I am a fucked-up, mentally screwed, clumsy idiot who can't even work around Sensory Processing Disorder to figure out why the entire world feels like one massive tactile and visual scream inside my head?

Growing up spastic

All those doctors, therapists, and specialists who have told me how well I am doing with the cerebral palsy are very sweet, and they know what to look for.
But people who don't know what they're looking at sometimes get this very interesting expression on their faces and in their eyes. They can tell something is not quite right, and are often very surprised when I explain that I was born with brain damage that led to mild cerebral palsy. There is that old oft-repeated phrase "Oh, but you don't look disabled!" Or, occasionally, "Wow, your CP looks nothing like what I usually see!"
And sometimes I get tired of this or maybe slightly annoyed. I know I shouldn't. Everyone says that having mild cerebral palsy is a good thing compared to severe, and I know that. But I do wonder if people even consider the deep, deep, deep mental, psychological, emotional, neurological, and developmental scars CP has caused. The monsters may be very small, but the claws have been digging and ripping very intensely all my life.
I often have to explain myself in a simple, laughing, "Hey, I'm just stupid and I forget things" sort of way, especially when I am scolded for making a mistake that I should have known not to do. I often have to remind people that my left side really cannot handle certain tasks, and that I must rest, and that I can regularly feel the broken, dead neuromuscular connections as I do the most basic of tasks. Brushing my teeth or hair with my left hand. Picking up coins with my left hand. Picking up, well, anything with my left hand.
My left side sometimes feels ghostly. It's not numb, I just forget it's there. Oh, I will use it, it will be quite active... but I am rarely aware. It took the first ten years of my life to understand simple things like walking, running, skipping, jumping, dancing, even crawling, as well as swinging my arms when I walked. I still can't tie shoes. That doesn't matter anyway.
It is so hard for me to reach out to others with mild spastic ataxic left side hemiplegic hemiparetic cerebral palsy with hypertonia, because I don't personally know anyone with that specific combination. I try to join forums and communities to discuss all the associated physical, mental and neurological disorders left in the wake of cerebral palsy's rampage - sensory processing disorder, epilepsy, synesthesia, dysphasia, poor eyesight, muscle and tissue disorders, fibromyalgia, nerve pain, joint pain, respiratory problems, growth problems, ADHD, depression, light bladder leakage, failure to thrive, hypersensitivity, emotional and mood disorders. The list could go on.
In my childhood, no one thought to question what would happen when I grew up, because they were focusing too much on just exercising my body and teaching me mental exercises. And sometimes I wonder what would have happened if someone had decided to monitor my progression into adulthood.
My random disability thought for the day, I guess.