STOP IT

[brightrosefox]

Okay, this is absolutely fucking ridiculous; this is NOT me. I slept for sixteen hours Saturday and Sunday, I haven't been feeling happy, I feel like crying but my eyes are dry. Worse, I feel disgusting, bloated, fat, ugly, scarred. I feel like someone is ripping my skin off and shoving in globules of fat and liquid. I feel like there are a thousand lashes being whipped across my back; I'm restless and yet have no desire for excitement. Food is meaningless and brings back that fear of weight and yet I know I need it but it has no taste. I feel like I'm steadily ballooning. What really scares me is that I feel like I'm becoming suicidal--the idea of slicing a blade across my wrist doesn't seem to make me cringe. And that is not me. That's not me at all, so something's not right and I want it to STOP. I want to say it's a ghost--I keep hearing the name Abigail and seeing flashes of a girl I know is dead--but I'm worried that maybe it's my writer's imagination instead. It's like someone is banging against me, slashing me, trying to make me hurt. This isn't someone I know. I don't even know if it's just one person; it could be that collective unconscious. It makes me wish I was dead. I want to beat myself unconscious until it goes away, but then I'd miss out on how to fix myself.
I just...want...this...to...stop.
Someone help me.