A rambling moment of catharsis, please

[brightrosefox]

You know, I could really be my own therapist or counselor. I know exactly what they'd say, and I wouldn't have to waste time and money. I've been doing so much thinking after that extraordinary mind fuck of a soul search that one weekend. I've discovered so many things about myself that could explain my anxieties, my fears, my neuroses. I have abandonment issues: not because I've ever been abandoned or traumatized, but because I haven't. I don't know if that makes much sense. My parents loved me and each other through and through, and I guess I've never let go of that child mentality of staying close. I was scared away from love when I was fourteen, which shouldn't have happened, but it made it possible for me to fall in love with Adam that much more deeply. I know part of me would literally shatter and fall apart if he or anyone else I loved went away--as in All Dead. I don't like All Dead. I've never liked it. My problems stem from fear of being All Dead. Of being nothing, of having nothing. Of everyone turning away and leaving me and I can't have that. I'd be gone. Inside, I'd be gone. That scares me. My emotional insecurity, my fear of abandonment, scares the piss out of me.

I brought something up once or twice to Adam about his 5-year rule, the one where he'd marry the woman who beat that record of dating him for 5 years. That was his first girlfriend, in high school. She cheated on him lots of times, they broke up lots of times, but they were together for five years. His second major love was more fucked in the head than anyone, but he thought he could make it work so he proposed to her after two years, and she cheated on him a few months later. So that lasted less than three years.

Then there's me. Three years without a fight or threat of breaking up. I think--I know--it's because I'm terrified of losing or being lost. I'm terrified of failure. To me, failure means dying. I have this weird, terrible complex where I believe that everything somehow becomes my fault. Whatever bad thing is happening, if I'm around, it's my fault in some way. It's bad. I wish I could make it go away.

Anyway, the thing we talked about: I realize now why I'm so anxious to be officially engaged instead of just talking about it. It's because I feel I need to prove something to everyone else--his family, our friendsm the world. I want people to look at us and know that it's serious, that it's not going to screw up, that this is for real. I've always wondered if his parents thought this was just a temporary thing, that maybe I wasn't good enough.

Adam said basically, it's his rule, if I want to have it happen I'll have to wait those five years, but he promised it would be worth the wait. He said that his parents really do know what it's about, and they do approve. I mean, I'm living there in the house. They enjoy my company. Compared to Adam's sister, I'm a joy. I wish I knew why I'm such a worrier. It's all good. It's only two more years. The family approves. Adam loves me unconditionally.

What the hell am I so worried about?

Dear gods, I wish I fucking knew. I need help. But I don't want stuff like Paxil or Xanax. That's why I'm so into herbal therapies. Valerian, Passion Flower, Chamomile, not to mention Inositol, Calcium, B-vitamins. My mind needs to relax. I freak out so much I scare myself. It has to stop.

I only hope that the massive changes I went through over the weekend mean something. I really do. Because I can't live like this anymore, trapped in a child's emotions. I can't.

Comments

*nods*

[(Anonymous)]

I know how you feel, Siren... I've felt like that before, which is why I think I rush into relationships and engagments. Its just a needed security, a needed love that will last. I've been lucky enough to always bounce back after a while of feeling "dead". Not sure how much I've got left in me, though. But you're strong, and so is your relationship with Adam.

And you do make a damn good therapist. ;)

*hugs*
-Phoenix-

[evilkins.livejournal.com]

i know how you feel. maybe not exactly, but close.

*hugs eternal*

Re: *nods*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Phoenix -- if you are who I think you are, then thank you. I really appreciate all our talks.

Re: *nods*

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, I be who you think I be. Take care of yourself, girl. *hugs*