And the sun is shining
Feb. 19th, 2010 01:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxLast night there was a fantastic party at the Royal Mile Pub for my best beloved Beca's birthday party. I was completely fine until I wasn't. I tried my best. Beth came to where I was sitting alone and held my hands and talked to me. I was having so many Issues I couldn't keep track anymore. Simple partial seizures, motor tics, hypertonic twitches, anxiety attacks, hypersensitivity, sensory overload. Beth and I had actually first met the night I had my first tonic-clonic seizure. She had used her medical background to help me. She had been with me during other seizures. She knew what to look for, how to act and react, how to touch me and talk to me. We talked about Dirk. She told me about how she first met him. I began hyperfocusing on her words and her eyes, and they burned into my brain.
I miss Dirk. I can't even remember the first time I met him. I think each time I met him was the first time. The best memories I have are of being swept up in his arms, his booming laugh ringing in my ears, his poet voice calling me darling and love and hon and beautiful. He loved everyone. He loved everyone so much. I miss him. He can't be gone. I think the person who shot him may be charged with murder. Bullet to the head. We don't know. I hope we find out. I hope it is all put to rest. Dirk isn't gone, he just got to the ultimate party early. I hope he saves us all a spot.
I don't remember the gathering anymore, not all of it, it's all fuzzy. I remember talking to Red, and to Deeb, and to Katie, and then to Beth. I remember Beth kissing me and then Beca kissing me. I remember Bane and Adam looking at my left arm and insisting that it was time for me to go home and rest. I think my left arm had been curled up against my shoulder like a scared animal seeking comfort, the hand clenched in a fist so tight that my husband had to pry my fingers open. That's what cerebral palsy can do. I was exhausted. I felt useless.
Outside in the cold, I was approached by Andrew. He said he missed me and was grateful for me. He was still using shea butter, which I had recommended to him so many years ago. I had been the first person to use energy healing on his injured shoulder. He told me that my Facebook posts had become more depressed and he missed my light. He hugged me and oh gods I needed that. I felt like a gods damned stranger in my own social circle, and people were telling me how important I was to them.
I miss Dirk so much.
I feel more human after oatmeal, coffee, and Soma. And the sun is shining.
I miss Dirk. I can't even remember the first time I met him. I think each time I met him was the first time. The best memories I have are of being swept up in his arms, his booming laugh ringing in my ears, his poet voice calling me darling and love and hon and beautiful. He loved everyone. He loved everyone so much. I miss him. He can't be gone. I think the person who shot him may be charged with murder. Bullet to the head. We don't know. I hope we find out. I hope it is all put to rest. Dirk isn't gone, he just got to the ultimate party early. I hope he saves us all a spot.
I don't remember the gathering anymore, not all of it, it's all fuzzy. I remember talking to Red, and to Deeb, and to Katie, and then to Beth. I remember Beth kissing me and then Beca kissing me. I remember Bane and Adam looking at my left arm and insisting that it was time for me to go home and rest. I think my left arm had been curled up against my shoulder like a scared animal seeking comfort, the hand clenched in a fist so tight that my husband had to pry my fingers open. That's what cerebral palsy can do. I was exhausted. I felt useless.
Outside in the cold, I was approached by Andrew. He said he missed me and was grateful for me. He was still using shea butter, which I had recommended to him so many years ago. I had been the first person to use energy healing on his injured shoulder. He told me that my Facebook posts had become more depressed and he missed my light. He hugged me and oh gods I needed that. I felt like a gods damned stranger in my own social circle, and people were telling me how important I was to them.
I miss Dirk so much.
I feel more human after oatmeal, coffee, and Soma. And the sun is shining.
