final hurt confirmation

[brightrosefox]

I can't believe I'm still thinking about it. It has been five years or so, yes. Maybe a little more. College was a long time ago. I don't know how much of a subconscious competition it was, at least on her end. She was my first teacher of magick, the first to show me my gift of the witch, the first to open my power of fae. She was my best friend for three years. But sometimes I wonder, was all of that just to make herself seem better? She took a young, innocent virginal woman who had a great deal of power but no control and no clue. And then she played a manipulative game -- "I am stronger than you. I am better than you. I have had more experience. I am special. I am important." Did she feel threatened by me? How could she? I was the pure innocent virgin. She had lived most of her teen years experiencing things no one could imagine. And yet she was trying to supress my powers by calling herself the stronger one. Oh, Tish. You strange, silly girl. You dug yourself into it.
When Bill and Cat and Jinx told me who I really was, it honestly surprised me. No, no, I thought, Tish is stronger, Tish is better; who am I? I am nothing, just the Innocent. And then I realized what was happening.
And you know the sad part?
I still want to find her again.
Bill tells me not to bother. After Tish married Kenny, they both took such a harsh downward spiral. Friends from the past mean nothing, worthless. Did we all mean so little? Did I mean so little? When she said she loved me, how much of a lie was it?
And yet, I still wonder what I would happen if I tried to find her and talk to her? Would she still be manipulative and toxic? She gave me so much. She was generous and compassionate, despite the grand delusions, the desperate subtle cries of, "I am important. I am special. Look at me. Look at me." She was unmedicated manic depressive, her delusions getting stronger, her manipulations getting sneakier. She was using her past rapes and abuse to get attention, to get sympathy.
I remember when she was trying to cling to the memory of Bane, even after she had introduced me to Adam, and she and Bane were over. And the way I looked at her and said, "It's over. Let it go. Shut up. Stop talking about him. You're obsessed." I think she saw me so happy with Adam and realized what she wanted. And finally when she did get over it, she had a line of lovers who became faux fiance's just so she could say how special she was, a whore.
I wish I could let her go and walk away forever. I wish I could hate her. I wish I could just love her and still walk away.

There are people in our lives who we befriend and trust. And then suddenly they turn on us; they start to project their own issues on us. Maybe they stop doing whatever they need to stay stable. Maybe they just decided that they need to be seen as great. And then we discover that they have become poisonous to themselves and to us, that they obsess, they self-injure, they beg for love, they drag us down in their misery. But can we walk away completely? Can we say, "I am done with you, do not come to me until you have gotten help. You are hurting yourself and me and our friends and I will not be pulled down with you. Go fix yourself and then come to me." How can we do that? How can we just let go? Are we being just as poisonous by walking away? Is it a vicious cycle? Or are we simply protecting ourselves from their influence?

I want to let go.
I can't let go.
I have to. I am making myself sick. I don't want to increase my seizure medication just because I am stressing like this.

Comments

[muguet-de-mai.livejournal.com]

Definitely sounds like it is something that is definitely not doing you any good. I'm sorry that happened to you. *hugs*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I just need to remember that her problems have and had nothing to do with me, and that by thinking about it, I am not doing myself any good.

[muguet-de-mai.livejournal.com]

Exactly. It sounds like those were her issues, and that she may have tried to make them your issues back then too. But you don't have to carry those. Your body and soul don't need others' stuff.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I am willing to help those who want to help themselves. If I have a friend who is destroying herself and refusing to get professional help, then I cannot do anything. My words fall on deaf ears. I got help for myself, my best friends did as well, and we are all doing very well. And yet there are other friends who refuse to see what they do to themselves and to others. It makes me think of my old friend. I have to wonder how much you can take, how deep you can go, before you are down into their despair and you can't get out. That is why I am walking away from the memory of my former friend. Too many scars.

[muguet-de-mai.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. If adults refuse to get professional help and they do need it, there is really not that much you can do without trying to own *their* responsibility for themselves. And we know how Not Smart that is, how it really just doesn't work. All you really have a say in is your own self, and sometimes we just have to walk away with that, unfortunately.

[fadingmemories.livejournal.com]

She sounds like a nasty mar on the Pagan community, its a shame you had such a negative experience. For me, it was bad enough dating someone of that personality. That treated me like a child with no power what so ever, that only believed in foolish dreams. He looked down his nose at anyone that was female, and anyone that wasn't satanist. He hated me when I gained self confidence, claimed I turned into a know it all bitch. Then again, that was a totally different situtation than yours.

Its of my belief that people enter our lifes to teach us lessons, once those lessons are learned, they are removed through one way or another. Of course, this doesn't apply to those I refer to as my clan, the life long friends that touch you on a very deep level and uproot a strong sense of longing for home.

Try letting her go, she has her own battles to fight, has dug her own grave. Whatever she's dealing with is karma she's probably brought on herself. Take the important lessons you learned from her and move on. It's hard. You develop a strong connection with your teachers, stronger than I ever even thought possible.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

What saddens me is that my personal psychic and magick growth was stunted because I believed what she told me. I could have been a very powerful witch and magic practitioner, with amazing control and knowledge. It's years later and I still barely understand myself.

[fadingmemories.livejournal.com]

Now that you realize that, move on, fix it. Simply done, really. It's hard though, I know. I's still healing from the bullshit my ex did to me due to his disrespect of my path. I can only imagine what a teacher could to do you.

[celtic_maenad]

Are we being just as poisonous by walking away? Is it a vicious cycle? Or are we simply protecting ourselves from their influence?

You are not being poisonous by walking away - put it this way, if she called/showed up, changed, ready to ask for help, you would, right? Of course you would, you are a caring person. You are protecting yourself from the dirt she walks through and carries with her. You're not blocking *her* out, or you wouldn't worry/wonder about her. You're blocking out the poison, not the person.

Self-preservation is important. If you let your soul be poisoned by who she is now (was then), there will be no way for you to grow into the person you can be that will be able to help her when she is truly ready for it. If a doctor gets deathly ill, they're no use in healing others. The doctor must take care of theirself first.

My advice is this: Let it go - if it's meant to happen, you will get the chance to help.