Close Your Eyes

[brightrosefox]

Remember the episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part Two" where Buffy is forced to kill Angel? The song that plays throughout it is "Close Your Eyes" by Christophe Beck, written as the Buffy/Angel love theme. Sarah McLachlan's "Full Of Grace" played afterwards.
When I woke up from the dream last night, my heart was heavy, and those two songs were playing in my head, intertwined like ribbons. Swelling. Swollen.
Damar and I had been sitting on his couch, in each other's arms, watching that episode, which had not even been conceived of back then, we'd never even heard of Joss Whedon. I was trying not to cry. Damar thought I was cute and sweet for being so emotional. I tilted my head up and kissed him, and he grabbed me and we kissed like that very first kiss, and I could smell him. I said, "I missed you. It's been a long, long time." He said, "One day we'll go ghost-hunting like we said we would." I started to lay down against him again, and suddenly the world pulled away, like a train moving too fast, speeding, pulling me backwards, and I lost contact, I couldn't feel him. The world was chilly. I screamed his name. I fell backwards. I woke up.
I thought, Oh, I have to call Damar and tell him about it. He'd find it amusing. And I almost got out of bed and almost reached for the phone. And then my brain came alive, and whispered to me, and spilled ice down my psychic spine. Oh. Yeah. Right. He's not going to answer the phone. He never will. He hasn't answered the phone for seven years.
Damar is dead.
I thought, Oh gods I really want to talk to Damar right now. I want to see him so badly. It's ripping me down the middle.
Damar is dead.
I touched my heart. It was pounding.
I lay back down and breathed hard and swallowed, and I rolled over and found Adam's bare back toward me. I touched him between his shoulder blades and he sighed that happy little sigh that said, That is my wife's hand touching me. I love my wife. Keep doing that, please, my wife. And I stroked his warm back for a few minutes, and I fell back asleep.
Damar, I'm sorry.
I never said goodbye.
I never even knew.
But at least you were happy.
I love you, you know. I never stopped. I can't stop.
I wish you were here.

(This is for everyone who has lost a love. Which is, basically, everyone.
Come share with me.)

Comments

[faire-damsel.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* They Never Really Leave Us, You Know. They Simply Reside In Our Hearts And They Are With Us Every Time We Think Of Them.

[rhiannons-rose.livejournal.com]

Touching.

My story

[quietpassion.livejournal.com]

Awww. Well. My brother died 3 years ago and there are still times when I cry so hard I can't breathe. But, I asked a psychic a year ago about him (one my intuition said to trust, who said a lot of true things about me first), and she said that he was happy where he was. He had had a choice, and with things tough in life at the time, chose to pass on. He was/is really happy where he was, he only felt regret for how hard his death hit the family, and especially me. He didn't realize at the time that it would be that bad for us. And she told me that he was still around in spirit, and that he would help me when I was reading people (psychically) because he loved to gossip. :) Which he did/does.

Since then, I don't cry as much, because I realize that I'm not crying for him, because he's happy, I'm crying for me. And I know he's around whenever I need him, either in actual spirit or in memory.