enough of this
Mar. 18th, 2007 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxI am tired of being silent for the sake of compassion and love. I want to scream out into the skies, but the one who needs to hear it most may not hear it deeply enough.
It is hurting the ones closest to us. And last night, at last someone voiced the fury and frustration so many of us have been feeling but have shut up about it because this is a person we love so much. I cried myself to sleep. This has to stop. It is very possible for a person to be poison for another, and for a relationship to be toxic. A simple prick on the lips, pretend to love and care, but it is poison. This will stop. I will have no part in it, and I will look away every time. It is the only way I can deal with it, to look away and have no part.
This morning Luna woke me up by running around the bed, chasing her invisible tiny demons. She found one of her soft toy mice and carried it across the nest of pillows, throwing it into the air and catching it and striking it with her paws over and over. I called and she bounded to me, onto my chest, trilling, rubbing my face with hers. I turned on the television. "Silent Hill" was playing and was about halfway done. The funny thing about me and scary movies is that it is better for my psyche if I watch them early in the day. My imagination is very strong and very, very suggestible. In the dark, at bedtime, my memory brings it all to life. People wonder why I refuse to watch horror movies without the chance to look away and to lower or mute the volume. If I am able to create universes of my choosing in my writerbrain, I would also create living ghost nightmares that would tear at me.
I have this intense need to be around people. Just to know I'm not by myself. I don't have the one person I need most, and I won't have him for at least another week. I want to put my arms around people and hold them, I want to feel more real.
It feels so strange, to be social like this.
It is hurting the ones closest to us. And last night, at last someone voiced the fury and frustration so many of us have been feeling but have shut up about it because this is a person we love so much. I cried myself to sleep. This has to stop. It is very possible for a person to be poison for another, and for a relationship to be toxic. A simple prick on the lips, pretend to love and care, but it is poison. This will stop. I will have no part in it, and I will look away every time. It is the only way I can deal with it, to look away and have no part.
This morning Luna woke me up by running around the bed, chasing her invisible tiny demons. She found one of her soft toy mice and carried it across the nest of pillows, throwing it into the air and catching it and striking it with her paws over and over. I called and she bounded to me, onto my chest, trilling, rubbing my face with hers. I turned on the television. "Silent Hill" was playing and was about halfway done. The funny thing about me and scary movies is that it is better for my psyche if I watch them early in the day. My imagination is very strong and very, very suggestible. In the dark, at bedtime, my memory brings it all to life. People wonder why I refuse to watch horror movies without the chance to look away and to lower or mute the volume. If I am able to create universes of my choosing in my writerbrain, I would also create living ghost nightmares that would tear at me.
I have this intense need to be around people. Just to know I'm not by myself. I don't have the one person I need most, and I won't have him for at least another week. I want to put my arms around people and hold them, I want to feel more real.
It feels so strange, to be social like this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-03-18 05:40 pm (UTC)I have this intense need to be around people. Just to know I'm not by myself.
I SO know this feeling right now. Sometimes I allow myself to become consumed by loneliness. It's stupid to do that to myself, but sometimes I'm just emotionally weak and can't help it. Now is one of those times. *massive hugs* I hope you feel better soon. I hope we both do.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-18 06:37 pm (UTC)My friend Charlotte is here, helping me clean up the living room. I feel better. :)
I am a friend of chiyo no saru's
Date: 2007-03-19 01:10 am (UTC)--Sam
Re: I am a friend of chiyo no saru's
Date: 2007-03-19 01:12 am (UTC)Re: I am a friend of chiyo no saru's
Date: 2007-03-19 01:20 am (UTC)social
Date: 2007-03-19 05:10 am (UTC)i live in reston. at the house danny used to lie at. he was out with adam not too long ago.
Re: social
Date: 2007-03-19 03:19 pm (UTC)rosefox8 at gmail
no subject
Date: 2007-03-19 01:22 pm (UTC)