Is this a new year?
Jan. 3rd, 2004 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxSo many realizations, revolutions, revelations, and understatements. All in one night.
I now have the one thing I have desired from 2003: I have a full computer table in my bedroom, complere with lamp and comfy chair. He did the one thing I wanted but tried not to stress about, by taking the fishtank downstairs (and cleaning it and filling it with new pretty fish) and bringing up the desk that his mother had bought with me in mind almost a year ago. Now, he says, I have no excuse but to finish the book. Because 2004 will be the year of change: We will buy a house and start a new life. Everyone knows by now that we're pretty much cemented with the marriage concept. And me publishing my book will be a huge part of that new life.
It's that simple, is it? No. I don't think it is. It's never easy to be rid of fear. I desperately want and need to complete this project, this child. I know exactly how I want to do it, where I need it to be, how it's going to go up to the very last few pages (still haven't decided the full ending). It's just a question of getting past the next few paragraphs and scenes to the real drama. And it is the hardest, hardest thing I have been putting myself through and not telling anyone about.
So I resolve that for 2004, I will force myself to break through this ice on the surface of my creative mind, I will take the deepest breath I have taken since I began this dream when I was 19, and I will plow through it like there is no tomorrow.
I resolve that for 2004, I will be stronger, because 2003 has certainly seen me grow and take boundless steps that I think no one has ever seen me take, and the support and love I have enjoyed has been endless and incredible.
I resolve that for 2004, I will take longer looks into myself, rearrange my priorities, figure out where I'm headed. Maybe I will find classes on holistic cosmetology and esthetics. Maybe I will make more friends and attempt to overcome my anxiety issues. I can't make any promises on those, but I can promise to try.
I now have the one thing I have desired from 2003: I have a full computer table in my bedroom, complere with lamp and comfy chair. He did the one thing I wanted but tried not to stress about, by taking the fishtank downstairs (and cleaning it and filling it with new pretty fish) and bringing up the desk that his mother had bought with me in mind almost a year ago. Now, he says, I have no excuse but to finish the book. Because 2004 will be the year of change: We will buy a house and start a new life. Everyone knows by now that we're pretty much cemented with the marriage concept. And me publishing my book will be a huge part of that new life.
It's that simple, is it? No. I don't think it is. It's never easy to be rid of fear. I desperately want and need to complete this project, this child. I know exactly how I want to do it, where I need it to be, how it's going to go up to the very last few pages (still haven't decided the full ending). It's just a question of getting past the next few paragraphs and scenes to the real drama. And it is the hardest, hardest thing I have been putting myself through and not telling anyone about.
So I resolve that for 2004, I will force myself to break through this ice on the surface of my creative mind, I will take the deepest breath I have taken since I began this dream when I was 19, and I will plow through it like there is no tomorrow.
I resolve that for 2004, I will be stronger, because 2003 has certainly seen me grow and take boundless steps that I think no one has ever seen me take, and the support and love I have enjoyed has been endless and incredible.
I resolve that for 2004, I will take longer looks into myself, rearrange my priorities, figure out where I'm headed. Maybe I will find classes on holistic cosmetology and esthetics. Maybe I will make more friends and attempt to overcome my anxiety issues. I can't make any promises on those, but I can promise to try.
