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Bad moment, very scary moment, very bad
Nov. 16th, 2002 04:02 amApparently I had yet another one Friday night. We met Beth and Lex at Nations in DC. I was feeling great, I was with people I liked, I was having a good time. I think it was about 1:45 in the morning and I was starting to feel a little tired but nothing to complain about. Then, I started feeling more tired. I was standing around with people and just feeling very out of it.
Then, very abruptly, I felt like I was being pushed down to my knees, like a giant hand was trying to compress my body and drive in into my thighs. You know that feeling you get when your foot falls asleep? That impossibly heavy, numb, tingly feeling? That was how my entire body felt. It felt heavy. But it also felt like I was being compressed and flattened. It was like sitting down while standing up--like a part of me under my skin was falling asleep and I was left still standing. Probably the single most terrifying feeling I have felt yet.
I knew I had to sit down or risk falling down, so I calmly turned, and sat down on the wet wood (it was raining and we were in that little outdoors section near the dance floor). I remember feeling my legs go numb and very, very heavy. I remember staring at the far wall of what used to be the outside dance floor. There was a dragon painted on it. I seem to remember Beth calling my name, slapping my face, and squeezing my hand, but I felt like I was underwater and couldn't answer her. I remember that I just kept staring and blinking but I felt so trapped in my own head. I couldn't move. My body was still heavy and compressed, with that giant hand still pushing down against my head, driving my body down into my legs and then the ground, while I stayed upright. I swear it was an hallucination. I was being pushed down while standing upright. I was being squished and compressed by my own confused brain. And I was too out of it to be scared...
I think Beth must have gotten Adam at some point because I felt him holding my hand and talking to me. I could see him crouched in front of me but I couldn't move or talk to him. Then Bradley came over and crouched next to Beth on my left, and this is the relly scary part. Bradley kept telling me to look at him, and I knew he was there, I just couldn't turn my head to the left and I couldn't see anything when I tried. It was like everything in my left-handed side of vision and perception was too far away. I physically had trouble turning my head to the left. That's terrifying. I have the cerebral palsy on my left side.
Finally I woke up enough to mumble that I was fine. Adam took my hands and told me that we were going home. I said that I couldn't move my legs. So he pulled me to my feet and I held onto him until the feeling came back into my legs. I stamped and stomped a few times to be sure, and then we walked back through Nations and out to the parking lot.
As we approached the red truck he'd driven (his work truck), I leaned against it while he opened the passenger side door. The car under my hands had a weird, but wonderful texture, and I remember babbling incessantly about how good the car felt. I climbed into the car, I put my seatbelt on, I rocked my head back against the seat a few times. I felt fine. I didn't feel tired anymore. I just felt out of it. There were funny yellow and orange flashes behind my eyelids when I closed them, so I kept them open and the streetlights all blurred together. I was still babbling and I could hear myself but I couldn't check myself. Adam kept telling I'd had a small seizure and I kept saying "No I didn't, no I didn't, I wasn't shaking." He said that Beth told him that I had started shaking. I didn't believe him. I still don't think I'd been shaking, but then I had been really out of reality. I didn't get back to "normal" until Adam blasted the radio and that jerked me back. I do remember him saying, "If only I was as fucked up as you are right now." I frowned and muttered, "Anybody who takes drugs to feel like this is stupid. This is scary." And that was when he cranked the radio up.
I don't know if he was worried or scared or whatever. Maybe a little insulted that I called the drug inducing stupid. But he hugged me tight after we went to bed so it's okay. I think he's just worried in his own way. He used to be an EMT. There are two ways you can handle things: Be emotional and freak out, or be emotionless, calculated, and get the job done. I appreciate the fact that Beth, Adam, and Lex don't get all panicky when they try to help me. But I also like a little compassion afterwards, too.
And yes, I am going to the friggin neurologist!
Then, very abruptly, I felt like I was being pushed down to my knees, like a giant hand was trying to compress my body and drive in into my thighs. You know that feeling you get when your foot falls asleep? That impossibly heavy, numb, tingly feeling? That was how my entire body felt. It felt heavy. But it also felt like I was being compressed and flattened. It was like sitting down while standing up--like a part of me under my skin was falling asleep and I was left still standing. Probably the single most terrifying feeling I have felt yet.
I knew I had to sit down or risk falling down, so I calmly turned, and sat down on the wet wood (it was raining and we were in that little outdoors section near the dance floor). I remember feeling my legs go numb and very, very heavy. I remember staring at the far wall of what used to be the outside dance floor. There was a dragon painted on it. I seem to remember Beth calling my name, slapping my face, and squeezing my hand, but I felt like I was underwater and couldn't answer her. I remember that I just kept staring and blinking but I felt so trapped in my own head. I couldn't move. My body was still heavy and compressed, with that giant hand still pushing down against my head, driving my body down into my legs and then the ground, while I stayed upright. I swear it was an hallucination. I was being pushed down while standing upright. I was being squished and compressed by my own confused brain. And I was too out of it to be scared...
I think Beth must have gotten Adam at some point because I felt him holding my hand and talking to me. I could see him crouched in front of me but I couldn't move or talk to him. Then Bradley came over and crouched next to Beth on my left, and this is the relly scary part. Bradley kept telling me to look at him, and I knew he was there, I just couldn't turn my head to the left and I couldn't see anything when I tried. It was like everything in my left-handed side of vision and perception was too far away. I physically had trouble turning my head to the left. That's terrifying. I have the cerebral palsy on my left side.
Finally I woke up enough to mumble that I was fine. Adam took my hands and told me that we were going home. I said that I couldn't move my legs. So he pulled me to my feet and I held onto him until the feeling came back into my legs. I stamped and stomped a few times to be sure, and then we walked back through Nations and out to the parking lot.
As we approached the red truck he'd driven (his work truck), I leaned against it while he opened the passenger side door. The car under my hands had a weird, but wonderful texture, and I remember babbling incessantly about how good the car felt. I climbed into the car, I put my seatbelt on, I rocked my head back against the seat a few times. I felt fine. I didn't feel tired anymore. I just felt out of it. There were funny yellow and orange flashes behind my eyelids when I closed them, so I kept them open and the streetlights all blurred together. I was still babbling and I could hear myself but I couldn't check myself. Adam kept telling I'd had a small seizure and I kept saying "No I didn't, no I didn't, I wasn't shaking." He said that Beth told him that I had started shaking. I didn't believe him. I still don't think I'd been shaking, but then I had been really out of reality. I didn't get back to "normal" until Adam blasted the radio and that jerked me back. I do remember him saying, "If only I was as fucked up as you are right now." I frowned and muttered, "Anybody who takes drugs to feel like this is stupid. This is scary." And that was when he cranked the radio up.
I don't know if he was worried or scared or whatever. Maybe a little insulted that I called the drug inducing stupid. But he hugged me tight after we went to bed so it's okay. I think he's just worried in his own way. He used to be an EMT. There are two ways you can handle things: Be emotional and freak out, or be emotionless, calculated, and get the job done. I appreciate the fact that Beth, Adam, and Lex don't get all panicky when they try to help me. But I also like a little compassion afterwards, too.
And yes, I am going to the friggin neurologist!
