*bangs head on keyboard*
Sep. 3rd, 2003 11:28 amGods, how I hate this. I hate when panic attacks are so sneaky you don't even bother to consider that what you're feeling is your body's response to panic, because you don't feel anxious. All I feel is severe chest and lung pain, like someone reaching through my back on the ride side, squeezing and crushing and clawing and tearing my insides to pieces. Little sharp sudden spasms. I can breathe fine, I'm not gurgling when I cough. But it just hurts. And I am glad that I called Adam just to get his opinion, because now my subconscious mind is satisfied that it's all just a panic response. The only problem is that with panic attacks, you never know what you're responding to. Ow. Now it just burns. Ow ow ow ow. Fuck. This is not me whining, this is me just stating that it hurts and it annoys me.
It's also spun me into one of my infamous temporary depressions. I get like this occasionally. I'll feel like I've hit rock bottom, that I'll never be happy again, that the world sucks and I just don't care if it blows up and I die with it. Then something will happen unexpectedly to make me smile, then laugh, and I'll be fine. Unfortunately, that vitally necessary thing has yet to happen.
Mood swings. I hate them. Now I'm actually starting to wonder if it's not all me. I am a very strong empath, after all. Who is it out there in the gray rainy world that I'm feeding off of? How many minds and hearts am I tapping into, drawing into myself, riding their storms and being unable to separate myself? It could be a Family member. It could be a friend. It could be some random person in this building. I just overheard a depressing conversation in the mailroom: One of the mail clerks, whom Ray and I call "God Boy" because of his gospel singing and cheery faithful disposition, was telling another clerk that he was depressed because his cousin died, he was just in a car accident, and someone else died, so he wasn't his chipper self today. Maybe I'm absorbing his sadness.
I hate the world.
But, just because this has been running through my head all morning, and because I know it's a favorite of certain Family members, and because maybe it will help bring me back up because it describes my Family:
( Lay your head upon my shoulder... )
It's also spun me into one of my infamous temporary depressions. I get like this occasionally. I'll feel like I've hit rock bottom, that I'll never be happy again, that the world sucks and I just don't care if it blows up and I die with it. Then something will happen unexpectedly to make me smile, then laugh, and I'll be fine. Unfortunately, that vitally necessary thing has yet to happen.
Mood swings. I hate them. Now I'm actually starting to wonder if it's not all me. I am a very strong empath, after all. Who is it out there in the gray rainy world that I'm feeding off of? How many minds and hearts am I tapping into, drawing into myself, riding their storms and being unable to separate myself? It could be a Family member. It could be a friend. It could be some random person in this building. I just overheard a depressing conversation in the mailroom: One of the mail clerks, whom Ray and I call "God Boy" because of his gospel singing and cheery faithful disposition, was telling another clerk that he was depressed because his cousin died, he was just in a car accident, and someone else died, so he wasn't his chipper self today. Maybe I'm absorbing his sadness.
I hate the world.
But, just because this has been running through my head all morning, and because I know it's a favorite of certain Family members, and because maybe it will help bring me back up because it describes my Family:
( Lay your head upon my shoulder... )