
See? Told you those mini-depressions went away quickly.
I feel...lifted. Peaceful? I must stop unconsciously tapping in to my sister self. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that anything negative on her end slams me down and sends me spiraling snarling rage. And anything positive sends me soaring laughing joy.
But happiness...I suppose that's what Adam meant when he tried to describe his relationship with one of his ex-girlfriends (ex-fiancee). "Codependant bipolar love." When he woke up every single morning, he knew it was either going to be the best day of his life or the worst. Whatever mood she was in--that set the tone. If she was angry, his heart tore at itself. If she was happy, he could fly. Of course, such a relationship could only burn for so long before it self-destructs. You need a gray area. You need an in between. You need those comfortable silences and those days when you can easily say, "I don't know."
That's me now. Not just with Adam, not just with Beca, but with the world. Nature. Everything. If it rains, I feel it. When the sun shines, I shine. And yet there are still those shades of gray. I'm not at extremes unless I want to be. I can let myself be pulled into Adam's emotional influence and either be soared to heaven or shot to hell. I can let myself be carried along through Beca's waters and know I can't drown. But nothing can scrape against me and make me bleed unless I make it so. Having that sort of shield is more important right now than defending my mind against imps and demons. After all, the world can't really hurt us. We hurt ourselves. The world just walks through the doors we open.
I will also say this: Those two wonderful people I just mentioned are the two great loves in my life right now. They've surpassed my beloved Siberian husky, Nico, who received the innocent love of a baby. But Adam and Beca don't see a child anymore. They are my heroes. They are what I want to be and what I could have been. One satisfies my body and heart. The other satisfies my mind and soul. With them, I can safely say to myself, "I belong."
Dunno what made me write this. Just introspection, I suppose. The knowledge that I would rip my own skin from my bones to shelter them. The absolute truth that no matter what, no matter who, no matter why, I cannot and will not leave them. Not even if that who is myself. Because I know better.
Love isn't so complicated once you're in it.