I feel like hell, but I have fantastic hair and glowing skin, so there.

I originally put these status posts on Facebook, but since this is a journal that I use for journaling when I am thinking thoughts to think about, I'm copying it here.

***
6:45 PM:
I am currently in so much fucking pain everywhere that it hurts to do anything. I feel like my brain is exploding, and my body temperature is going insane; and every muscle, nerve, tendon, ligament, and joint wants to stab each other while horror movie music plays loudly in my screaming mind. I tried to write Stories. It did not go well. My writerbrain wanted to Kill Everyone and that would have been bad. I have been typing glacially with two fingers. I called the disability lawyer's office so they could make a note and I cried, and the assistant was wonderful. She told me to rest and breathe. I will go lie down now. If anyone wants to talk to me, they will have to call. My hands hurt too much to type anything beyond this. But I am typing it because I know people love me and I want to tell them that I will be okay slowly.

8:45 PM:
I am okay now.
I took a nap with all three cats, and then I got up and now I am watching ponies and while I am still in the flare, I feel slightly better.
A dear friend gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten: There is always strength left for one more step. My body will collapse and fall, and that's okay. I will get back up and keep going. My mind is a powerful thing and I am full of an amazing strength. I will always be able to take just one more step.
I will take a hot shower soon, and watch more Ponies and also Futurama, because my brain always feels better when I do that. Also there is a purring Luna cat on my lap.
So I have a little more strength now. And I will have a little more strength later. And so on. One more step.
Also, my hair is fabulous.

10:45 PM:
Right now, all I can think is "I can't do this I can't fucking do this it hurts so much I am in so much fucking pain I can't do this it has to stop why won't it stop I can't do this" but I know that's just the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the psychological stuff.
So right now, all I can do is stand up and walk around the house even as every muscle spasms and every nerve burns and every joint cracks and my skin feels too tight and my head pounds and the world spins. I stand up, I walk, I move, I keep going. One more step. One more step. Just one more step, every single time, just one more step.
Also, the cats keep wanting me to follow them and play, and I do what my cats say because they own me.
***

I also wound up taking another dose of Soma, because holy shit it was needed. It's the best thing I have next to codeine, but codeine won't relax muscles; and Soma does a hat trick wherein it relieves the worst of my pain, relaxes the most spastic of my muscles, and enhances my mood if the pain is depressing me. I don't take it every day, but there are times when I need more than two pills per day just to keep from screaming. Also, the Flexeril and Klonopin help a little, depending on what my body is doing. Ah, chronic pain and compound medication.

Occasionally, I'll sing Pinkie Pie songs to myself, in slow whispers, just to keep the levels of dopamine and serotonin and epinephrine elevated so the endorphins will do things. Sometimes it works.

I feel like hell, but I have fantastic hair and glowing skin, so there.

I originally put these status posts on Facebook, but since this is a journal that I use for journaling when I am thinking thoughts to think about, I'm copying it here.

***
6:45 PM:
I am currently in so much fucking pain everywhere that it hurts to do anything. I feel like my brain is exploding, and my body temperature is going insane; and every muscle, nerve, tendon, ligament, and joint wants to stab each other while horror movie music plays loudly in my screaming mind. I tried to write Stories. It did not go well. My writerbrain wanted to Kill Everyone and that would have been bad. I have been typing glacially with two fingers. I called the disability lawyer's office so they could make a note and I cried, and the assistant was wonderful. She told me to rest and breathe. I will go lie down now. If anyone wants to talk to me, they will have to call. My hands hurt too much to type anything beyond this. But I am typing it because I know people love me and I want to tell them that I will be okay slowly.

8:45 PM:
I am okay now.
I took a nap with all three cats, and then I got up and now I am watching ponies and while I am still in the flare, I feel slightly better.
A dear friend gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten: There is always strength left for one more step. My body will collapse and fall, and that's okay. I will get back up and keep going. My mind is a powerful thing and I am full of an amazing strength. I will always be able to take just one more step.
I will take a hot shower soon, and watch more Ponies and also Futurama, because my brain always feels better when I do that. Also there is a purring Luna cat on my lap.
So I have a little more strength now. And I will have a little more strength later. And so on. One more step.
Also, my hair is fabulous.

10:45 PM:
Right now, all I can think is "I can't do this I can't fucking do this it hurts so much I am in so much fucking pain I can't do this it has to stop why won't it stop I can't do this" but I know that's just the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the psychological stuff.
So right now, all I can do is stand up and walk around the house even as every muscle spasms and every nerve burns and every joint cracks and my skin feels too tight and my head pounds and the world spins. I stand up, I walk, I move, I keep going. One more step. One more step. Just one more step, every single time, just one more step.
Also, the cats keep wanting me to follow them and play, and I do what my cats say because they own me.
***

I also wound up taking another dose of Soma, because holy shit it was needed. It's the best thing I have next to codeine, but codeine won't relax muscles; and Soma does a hat trick wherein it relieves the worst of my pain, relaxes the most spastic of my muscles, and enhances my mood if the pain is depressing me. I don't take it every day, but there are times when I need more than two pills per day just to keep from screaming. Also, the Flexeril and Klonopin help a little, depending on what my body is doing. Ah, chronic pain and compound medication.

Occasionally, I'll sing Pinkie Pie songs to myself, in slow whispers, just to keep the levels of dopamine and serotonin and epinephrine elevated so the endorphins will do things. Sometimes it works.

I feel like hell, but I have fantastic hair and glowing skin, so there.

I originally put these status posts on Facebook, but since this is a journal that I use for journaling when I am thinking thoughts to think about, I'm copying it here.

***
6:45 PM:
I am currently in so much fucking pain everywhere that it hurts to do anything. I feel like my brain is exploding, and my body temperature is going insane; and every muscle, nerve, tendon, ligament, and joint wants to stab each other while horror movie music plays loudly in my screaming mind. I tried to write Stories. It did not go well. My writerbrain wanted to Kill Everyone and that would have been bad. I have been typing glacially with two fingers. I called the disability lawyer's office so they could make a note and I cried, and the assistant was wonderful. She told me to rest and breathe. I will go lie down now. If anyone wants to talk to me, they will have to call. My hands hurt too much to type anything beyond this. But I am typing it because I know people love me and I want to tell them that I will be okay slowly.

8:45 PM:
I am okay now.
I took a nap with all three cats, and then I got up and now I am watching ponies and while I am still in the flare, I feel slightly better.
A dear friend gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten: There is always strength left for one more step. My body will collapse and fall, and that's okay. I will get back up and keep going. My mind is a powerful thing and I am full of an amazing strength. I will always be able to take just one more step.
I will take a hot shower soon, and watch more Ponies and also Futurama, because my brain always feels better when I do that. Also there is a purring Luna cat on my lap.
So I have a little more strength now. And I will have a little more strength later. And so on. One more step.
Also, my hair is fabulous.

10:45 PM:
Right now, all I can think is "I can't do this I can't fucking do this it hurts so much I am in so much fucking pain I can't do this it has to stop why won't it stop I can't do this" but I know that's just the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the psychological stuff.
So right now, all I can do is stand up and walk around the house even as every muscle spasms and every nerve burns and every joint cracks and my skin feels too tight and my head pounds and the world spins. I stand up, I walk, I move, I keep going. One more step. One more step. Just one more step, every single time, just one more step.
Also, the cats keep wanting me to follow them and play, and I do what my cats say because they own me.
***

I also wound up taking another dose of Soma, because holy shit it was needed. It's the best thing I have next to codeine, but codeine won't relax muscles; and Soma does a hat trick wherein it relieves the worst of my pain, relaxes the most spastic of my muscles, and enhances my mood if the pain is depressing me. I don't take it every day, but there are times when I need more than two pills per day just to keep from screaming. Also, the Flexeril and Klonopin help a little, depending on what my body is doing. Ah, chronic pain and compound medication.

Occasionally, I'll sing Pinkie Pie songs to myself, in slow whispers, just to keep the levels of dopamine and serotonin and epinephrine elevated so the endorphins will do things. Sometimes it works.

I feel like hell, but I have fantastic hair and glowing skin, so there.

I originally put these status posts on Facebook, but since this is a journal that I use for journaling when I am thinking thoughts to think about, I'm copying it here.

***
6:45 PM:
I am currently in so much fucking pain everywhere that it hurts to do anything. I feel like my brain is exploding, and my body temperature is going insane; and every muscle, nerve, tendon, ligament, and joint wants to stab each other while horror movie music plays loudly in my screaming mind. I tried to write Stories. It did not go well. My writerbrain wanted to Kill Everyone and that would have been bad. I have been typing glacially with two fingers. I called the disability lawyer's office so they could make a note and I cried, and the assistant was wonderful. She told me to rest and breathe. I will go lie down now. If anyone wants to talk to me, they will have to call. My hands hurt too much to type anything beyond this. But I am typing it because I know people love me and I want to tell them that I will be okay slowly.

8:45 PM:
I am okay now.
I took a nap with all three cats, and then I got up and now I am watching ponies and while I am still in the flare, I feel slightly better.
A dear friend gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten: There is always strength left for one more step. My body will collapse and fall, and that's okay. I will get back up and keep going. My mind is a powerful thing and I am full of an amazing strength. I will always be able to take just one more step.
I will take a hot shower soon, and watch more Ponies and also Futurama, because my brain always feels better when I do that. Also there is a purring Luna cat on my lap.
So I have a little more strength now. And I will have a little more strength later. And so on. One more step.
Also, my hair is fabulous.

10:45 PM:
Right now, all I can think is "I can't do this I can't fucking do this it hurts so much I am in so much fucking pain I can't do this it has to stop why won't it stop I can't do this" but I know that's just the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the psychological stuff.
So right now, all I can do is stand up and walk around the house even as every muscle spasms and every nerve burns and every joint cracks and my skin feels too tight and my head pounds and the world spins. I stand up, I walk, I move, I keep going. One more step. One more step. Just one more step, every single time, just one more step.
Also, the cats keep wanting me to follow them and play, and I do what my cats say because they own me.
***

I also wound up taking another dose of Soma, because holy shit it was needed. It's the best thing I have next to codeine, but codeine won't relax muscles; and Soma does a hat trick wherein it relieves the worst of my pain, relaxes the most spastic of my muscles, and enhances my mood if the pain is depressing me. I don't take it every day, but there are times when I need more than two pills per day just to keep from screaming. Also, the Flexeril and Klonopin help a little, depending on what my body is doing. Ah, chronic pain and compound medication.

Occasionally, I'll sing Pinkie Pie songs to myself, in slow whispers, just to keep the levels of dopamine and serotonin and epinephrine elevated so the endorphins will do things. Sometimes it works.