The Return To Innocence

http://www.autistichoya.com/p/ableist-words-and-terms-to-avoid.html

Okay, so naturally I disagree with several of these. I use Idiot, Moron, Crazy, Stupid, Lame, Gimpy, Cripple. In fact!...
Via Facebook:
BTW, FYI: When I am stressed, worried, afraid, or panicked, I turn to satire, wryness, flippant humor, self-deprecation, and dark humor to soothe myself. It's not that bad right now, but if I discuss any health issues with blatant dark flippancy toward myself, it's just a way of being okay with stuff.
I'm sure plenty of folks do this. Sometimes it's all about sanity and security! I am such a lame cripple right now. Hah.
BUT: I won't use ableist words without a warning note that I personally am not offended by a few (specifically idiot, crazy, moron, lame, gimpy, cripple - I apply them only to myself). Since they are known offensive terms, and I know this, I'll make a point to not use them outside of me, myself. However, if anyone has issues with my potential use of those listed words specifically, please let me know.

See, I think lists of ableist words tend to go too far. But everyone has their own hairline triggers and I ain't stepping on those wires. But I won't step on eggshells. I will apply trigger warnings and disclaimers because I know very well. One of my favorite insults comes from Futurama: "Asinine Morons." It feels so good on the tongue. I just like the word Asinine. Maybe Moron could be replaced with Coward, Jerk, Pissant. I don't know. I really love finding words and terms that I could use instead of words that obviously refer to disabled people in an unflattering way. The thing is, with disabled people being among the most marginalized of the marginalized groups, it will take a long time to alter the vocabulary or lessen the ugliness of the words.
I still refuse to use "retard" because it reduces a person to slowed developmental growth above all else. And really, the only time I've heard "retarded/retardation" was with plants. And there should be other words.

On to other things: My migraine, which has been slowly creeping since last night, is being gently soothed by caffeine, B-Complex, Boswellia, Magnesium, Aspirin. The Ayurvedic pills - Bacopa, Ashwagandha, Shilait, Turmeric, Boswellia, Fenugreek - have been helping slowly but surely. And the stuff I picked up while grocery shopping are helping beautifully too. Yay symptom soothing!

Um. So.
Last night I had a small seizure - awake but barely conscious. And the baby migraine kept pulsating. I forced myself to sleep. I woke up at noon with the migraine even worse. And the thunder rolled.

The seizure itself was pitch black. It had me moving through a completely moon-less woods, holding the hands of two people - Alicia and Ananta - and stumbling over things, which transferred agony into my skull. I was shaking. They kept saying, Just a little more, just ahead, it's a rose light, you'll recognize it...
And there it was like a rosy mist with light inside. At the last minute, Ananta picked me up and carried me directly into the mist. That is all I remember.

I wound up staying in bed for an hour, because Calliope kept vocalizing, nuzzling and bunting me, and settling in to nurse on my shirt. I know she loves me deeply, but I must ask the cat behaviorists here what it means to be truly, actually loved by your cat, because Calliope will not go to bed until I go to bed, Calliope will follow me around the house, Calliope will check on me just to make sure I exist.

After I fell out of bed and took my medications (baclofen, tramadol, codeine, coffee, omega-3, MSM, L-Tyrosine, probiotics, inositol, shilajit, ashwagandha, noni, mangosteen, devil's claw, magnesium oil massaged into the severe stiff burning screaming lower back).

I am not fooled. I may be upright, typing. But I am having moments in which I need to breathe, collapse in the chair and massage my head. This will be a very interesting afternoon. Luckily, I have DVRed Archer, Bitten, Being Human, Lost Girl, etc. Just in case.
Is it sad that I want Ray and Lana to be my nursemaids?

My modified Disablility Compensated Qi Gong exercises always help, mentally and spiritually and psychologically and physiologically. Like yoga, except Fake Yoga Cripple Style that is not actually yoga. (FYCS. FIX. Ha ha ha...) (Or hey, Fake Yoga Cripple Style Modified Exercise. FYCSME = FIX ME. Ha ha. Wow. Dude.)

But it isn't helping today. I'm too Hollow, which is my term for deep major depression. I'm too Postictal, after that unexpectedly awful seizure yesterday and its aftershock which were tiny seizures for hours. Emotional responses are foreign and results of emotion are mere symptoms, like crying and laughing. I will meditate again, do more qigong work, and breathe and much as possible.
FYI. I am having an episode of pure major Depression plus major Anxiety. This is accompanied by mild memory loss of the past two days. Everything is foggy. I know I should be upset about something, but I cannot feel upset. What is upset, anyway? I think I hurt myself emotionally yesterday. I wish I remembered what it was. I believe it started out with false happiness. Remember that weird assumption of some sort of hypomania? I think I was outside of my rational mind.

Back to special exercises.
People keep suggesting and recommending breathing exercises. I know all of that. I know people just want to share their personal remedies. I love it. Please don't think I am rejecting you. I love hearing your stories. Even the stories about yoga. I wish I could explain why just seeing or hearing the word yoga evokes a sad, upset reaction. It isn't that I am unable to do yoga. It is just that yoga extremists do not listen nor care about my need for compensation. My body was born crooked. I cannot form a proper straight line even if I held on to something. No amount of cajoling, insisting, or pushing different forms will change that. Please don't do that. Please just accept that I have to perform qi gong differently, and that qi gong included poses that are similar to yoga, and that yoga is not the greatest panacea of healing holistic practices. This is part of why I don't want to visit California, which makes absolutely no sense and makes me look prejudiced.

So. Please, please do talk about how much yoga is healing you, because that is beautiful and I am genuinely, honestly joyfully happy. But if you wish to suggest a yoga pose that can be modified for someone with a shaky, spastic, crippled body, please suggest an alternate form. That is all I ask. There is no such thing as a real panacea, even in the botanical world, even in the plant and herb world, and certainly not in the exercise world. It is entirely possible that I will find a set of yoga exercises that will really, truly help me, and I will join the ranks of yoga enthusiasts. Anything is possible. Nothing is off limits. Except evangelism. If I wanted something pushed down my throat, I will drink water mixed with special fruit and plant powders, like sea buckthorn and moringa.
This is coming from my years as a holistic enthusiast and pusher. I was bad. I was essentially an asshole. And then I learned that it was just wrong. I never want to do that again. Just because something works perfectly for me does not mean it will work at all for someone else.

Any form of good physical-spiritual combination exercise, be it yoga, qigong, taichi, strength training, cardio, dead lift weight, isometrics, plyometrics, dance, hardcore dance, etc, is wonderful and beautiful and strengthening, and will help everyone in some personal powerful way. That is the point of exercise.
I love you all. If you really want to help me, don't push me. Just guide me.

Well, hello, 2014. It's not your fault that I have been feeling like fresh hell since, oh, December 31st. It's just how it is.
We have snow, ice, and cold. I got legitimately and honestly mocked by someone from Minnesota who called me a *ahem* "pussy whiner* for mentioning that any temperature below 20 F damaged me severely physically. I wrote a scathing note back which shut her the hell up, and I invited her to come down during the height of summer, upon which she exclaimed "but I'll burn up!" and to which I replied, "Oh, sweetie... it's not even that hot!" aand the conversation was over. I posted my feelings on Facebook, to which I got several agreements.

*Dear people used to cold climates who are seriously, non-jokingly, honestly, deliberately laughing at, judging, and mocking people used to warm climates:

Okay, look. I know, we're whining and complaining because our freezing is your Tuesday. Okay, maybe we should just suck it up and wear more layers. But you know what? After living in this sort of climate for a very long time, something happens to our bodies and our blood. Just like you. That is why a hideous drop in temperature makes us rise up and scream, or, what you call whining, while for you it's just another snowy happy day across the killer ice. Because your biology has grown so accustomed to your climate and your weather, you may be literally unable to now understand how difficult and painful it can get when one minute it is just under forty degrees Fahrenheit and a few hours later it is just under ten. It is an actual, physiological, biological shock to our systems. And for those of us living with chronic illness, disabilities, and disorders that get worse when the cold comes, it can be viciously, horrifyingly painful in ways you may be unable to realize. I don't blame you for calling us whiners and pussies. In fact, I'm gonna pat you on the heads and smile and say, "Okay, sweetie..." in a soft voice. Because that is all I can do right now to keep my frozen fingers from smacking you. I'm sure you would do the same for me if you came over during a light heat wave, which we call Thursday, and start complaining that you were burning up possibly to death, and I laughed at you and said "Oh sweetie, it's not even that hot!". And then I would just smile and hand you a cup of ice water.
So. When I say my joints are exploding with fiery pain drawn from the most intense magma, that my muscles are locked in howling agony as a sensation of pure horrific icy cold runs through them, that my nerves and blood vessels actually begin to scream if I step foot outside in less than twenty degrees F no matter what I am wearing, then I really fucking mean it with no hyperbole. And so I will ask you in a quiet, raspy voice to not ever tease me again about how cold I think it is here in central Maryland. Because pain is pain is pain. And I can still stab you with an ice pick and that will still be pain.
Smiley face!*

I am still in that pain, sooo... mmhmm. I've put on plenty of sweaters, too. I mean, joking is fine. But seriously making fun of my pain issues in cold weather is never a good idea.

Also, I wonder how I can still have allergy issues when it is this cold. Wait. No, I don't. *bites lip, facepalms* Carry on.

Life is well enough. Adam made dough, and then made cinnamon rolls, and then made icing out of powdered sugar and labneh, which is a form of liquid kefir strained yogurt from the Middle East. Probiotics and whatnot. Adds a fantastic tart tang. H-Mart is a wonderful multi-country grocery store.

I have been sleeping too intensely, or rather dreaming too intensely. It's caused me to sleep too hard. But those dreams, oh, they are creative and inventive as hell. My brain really needs to stop playing fanfic with the TV series 'Lost Girl'. I've been reading detailed recaps of season four, via Canadian blogs, since that season only begins here this month, whereas Canada is around eight episodes in. I guess I do prefer spoilers, sweetie.

Day after seizure with migraine:
Still working through recovery from seizure and migraine.
Allergies and fibromyalgia flare not helping.
I shall go read books and watch cartoons!

Reposted from FB:

http://tinygracenotes.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-person-is-not-function.html
*tilts head back and forth*
So many, many times, I just don't feel like talking. It depends completely on how I am feeling at any given time. There are very few people with whom I would want to talk and talk and laugh and laugh for hours, and not notice the hours for the laughing. It can and will energize me bit by bit, even if I am exhausted. That whole 'drained introvert thing' still happens, but the energy levels keep rising. Because of what we are talking about, because of why were are talking, because a lot of things.
But somehow, if I don't feel like talking even if I had just been vivaciously howling with laughter, I often get scolded. You know. Oh, you were just doing that earlier, so why can't you do it now? That kind of retort, the kind that says more about the other people than about me. Sometimes I just run out of everything. Sometimes, gray things happen. That's okay. That's okay, right?
*
Migraine migraine migraine. Codeine codeine codeine. I'm one of those chronic pain patients who cannot imagine ever abusing a pain drug because, well, pain. It's my pain. I don't necessarily want to have to take a drug like codeine for this kind of pain. I don't want anyone to see me as a drug seeker because my gods no.
But yeah, the drugs may provide some desperate relief - but I never want to need more than I have already.
Migraine plus spasticity plus deep fatigue plus neurological twitching is evil. I had pain in my dreams. Just. No.
*
Dear Complainers of 2013: The Complainers of 1871 called. They want to write you lots of long letters. Lots of them.
http://xkcd.com/1227/
*
Damn it, I still feel like shite. This has become ridiculous. I can barely breathe now. Aargh, life.
*
DISCLAIMER. WARNING: DISCLAIMER.
If you do not want the flu shot because your immune system is awesome, yay for you. Seriously. Rock on. I will not ever insist that everyone get shots. I learned my lesson last time when people screamed at me so hard I lost my head. (and also now I have that song "Shots" by LMFAO running through my head. "Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots, everybody!" "I hate flu season.") Please do not assume I am jumping on you. If you do not think you need the flu shot, then don't get it. As long as you're not telling me that 'vacciness cause autism!', we're fine (because hi, autistic person here, and that's like saying autism is worse than diphtheria, and have you seen how diphtheria kills people and have you seen how autism doesn't kill people at all?) and I won't say a word. If you don't want to click and read, that's fine too. Just please please please don't jump on me. (Also, if you do wind up getting the flu, I cannot be anywhere near you, because I am an at risk person and I might, like, die.)
And remember, if you do get the flu after you get a shot, just remember that it takes time for your body to build up defenses - it was not the vaccine that caused your flu, but the flu itself because it sneaked in before your body could activate proper antibodies. That is how it works. The flu shot cannot cause the flu. Only the flu can cause the flu. The flu shot does not work against all strains of flu, but it can help against most. Just... be informed. Be properly informed. Okay? Okay?
IN CONCLUSION: DISCLAIMER.
http://www.redwineandapplesauce.com/2013/10/28/setting-the-record-straight-dubunking-all-the-flu-vaccine-myths/
*
"We are what the gods have made us. We can go consenting through the world." -New Model Army, "Seven Times"

Oh, damn. I forgot to celebrate my first SSDI Approval anniversary on July 10th. Eh, better late.
Besides, as of August, I'll have my Medicare Part A activated - and I did turn down Part B, because I like Carefirst too much.
I hope I made the best decision for now, since it's not like I am so bad that I am constantly in and out of clinics and such. Right?

http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/2012/07/10/
http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/2012/07/11/
http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/1530741.html

Also, I have so many random head and face pains. It could be so many things. Migraine, eye strain, neck pain, tension headache, dry sinus, jaw pain, cranial nerve pains, bone issues. Last night it was so excruciating I couldn't sleep. Finally, after Adam helped me with Reiki and massage, I muttered something about "dammit, taking drugs now" and got my two strongest prescriptions: Soma and Codeine/Tyenol. At 12:45, I swallowed them down with sea buckthorn oil to hide the taste and coffee to also mask the taste. I woke up again at 1:45 and there was some mild improvement, like some of the ice pickers had packed up and gone home. At 2:30, I glanced at the clock and realized that there were only a couple of little sharp, shocking stabs here and there around my nose and cheeks and skull, and I could live with that. I didn't even hear Adam's alarm at 7:30. I slept straight through until noon. Rose lay herself on my torso and nibbled my cheeks and jaw and licked me. Then I fell out of bed using the cane nearby, took my necessary pills (pharmaceutical and supplement) with that amazing cold-brew coffee with almost no acidity, took a long very hot shower, took more Soma and Codeine with Klonopin, stretched very very gently, and realized I would be okay to look at a computer screen for a couple hours at a time. Good.

I always knew it would get much worse and that I would fall so hard. But at this point, I don't even notice. The feathers are heavy but soft.

Let's see. *fingercounting* Sleep seizure, postictal migraine, pulled muscle in my neck, extreme hypertonia with hemiparesis and ghost nerve sensations in the left arm, hip pain, sciatica, chondromalacia patella, TMJ, difficulty swallowing and speaking due to spastic ataxic cerebral palsy complexities, ankle pain due to tripping over my own feet, right wrist pain due to ulnar nerve entrapment, mild asthma attack, difficulty working both hands, hay fever, swelling in right knee...
And of course the wonderful fibromyalgia flare.
*fingercounting* Eighteen distinctive symptoms. So far.
Pain level: Eight on a one to ten scale.
Oooh, eight! My favorite number and also the infinity symbol when turned on its side! *clapping* Clapping hurts, but fuck it. *more clapping*
Thank you, pills and special stretching and mind over body quantum magics. I have no idea what Normal is right now, but at least I am conscious and moving. That is a wonderful thing. I still win.

Well, I find myself in a sudden, abrupt, creepy Charybdis tunnel of depression with panic, a violent episode that is making me want to rip my skin off... which means that the fibromyalgia, hypersensitivity, synesthesia, and sensory processing disorder have jumped into the fray. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending.
I need my cats to nuzzle me and nibble my cheekbones and purr very loudly in my ears, because I know the world is not ending.

Klonopin, to me! Lepidolite gemstone, to me!

Best thing for me, might be contradictory... taking shallow breaths while rocking back and forth, knees to chest, because everything is fine, I am not having an out of body experience, all is well, my skin is not on fire, I am fine, my brain is not going to destroy my sense of self.

Someone tell me a story, any story.

Okay. Migraine, seizure, pain, yada. The seizure was hard, fast, very intense, and deeply trippy. It teamed up with the cerebral palsy to make my entire body spasm and drop to the floor in a crouch, like a running crouch, maybe? My brain was moving too quickly. I began arguing with it. I tried to yell at my muscles to move, but spastic hemiplegia had set in, and my right side had gotten involved with it, and for a few minutes I literally could not move. For a few seconds I was not breathing. Even after I started breathing again, I could feel saliva pooling in my mouth that I couldn't swallow. Stupid stupid brain. When my brain released my and I stood up, the whole room twisted melted, and spun. Damn brains.

So, earlier, I was browsing on a random celebrity gossip site. You know that hip-hop singer guy Chris Brown? I've heard some of his music, but he's more famous for beating up another hip-hop singer, Rihanna, who he was dating, and he beat up her face so badly that it was horrifying. So, I saw a photo of this guy, and he has a tattoo of a woman's beaten, battered, stitched face on his neck. On his neck. A tattoo of a battered woman on his fucking neck. And here I thought douchebaggery in general couldn't get much higher. Isn't he that guy who apologized over and over and then she took him back and they fell in love again? Is that her face tattooed on her neck? Her stitched up, bloody, bruised, beaten face? Which he caused? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Oh my gods what.
(I don't listen to hip hop. I have been told there is so much misogyny, rape apology, prejudice, homophobia, and ugly creepy statements about every group of people that it just isn't worth it. But apparently, there is an openly gay hip hop singer? Frank Ocean? I've listened to his songs. I do like his voice. Can we get rid of Kanye West? His ego has its own ego. And he got Kim Kardashian pregnant. I bet he wants to name the kid Jesus Christ with a K. I hate people.)

Today was spent on the phone with contractors for home repair. One guy came over and took measurements. Another guy will arrive on Wednesday. Tomorrow, I see the pain specialist. Thursday is... something. I don't know. Cleaning out the giant monster breakfront cabinet that holds the main library, probably. We will need many friends to help us move furniture and clear off the kitchen food shelves and move things, so that when the repair people finally arrive, they can do their jobs with ease.

Adam got me a Kindle with his credit card's reward points. An actual physical Kindle. Which means it will be a shared Kindle. He can take it with him on jobs so he can read several books after another. I have my PC and phone Kindle, but an actual Kindle will be lovely too.

I have been writing. Much fiction writing. My hands hurt.