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brightrosefoxhttp://fibromyalgia-book.com/book_202.htm
Since the fibromyalgia pain just isn't going to go away whenever I ask it to, no matter now politely, it's time to rethink my strategies for doing... anything.
I forget things. Or I start to do things, collapse in pain, go rest, and forget to finish. This happens with fibro. Sorry, but it does.
Two weeks ago, Adam replaced all the faucets in the bathtub. He asked me to clean up the bathroom afterwards. My fog-addled brain (blame epilepsy, the epilepsy medication, and the fibro) interpreted it badly. Two weeks later, Adam was irritated. I don't blame him. Yesterday, he cleaned and scrubbed the tub until it gleamed, moved around the hanging racks, adjusted the curtain. He says he wants it spotless, that it still is not done. I feel guilty. He mutters that he's the only one in the house who actually does any work. I feel massively guilty; guilt and self-rage shoving through the constant haze of pain.
Here's the thing, though: Adam's work ethic is that of "Push myself hard and never stop until everything is done, and then fall over when I run out of adrenaline and my body finally catches up and smacks me down; then get up and keep going no matter what."
I cannot do that. I can't live like that. I can't accept that philosophy. I'd kill myself working like that.
My work ethic is "Do as much as I possibly can for as long as I can, take breaks, finish up when it no longer causes excruciating pain, and even when it does, keep taking small breaks until eventually it's done."
I think our work ethics clash severely. Especially when my memory craps out. I'm not being lazy, honest. It's not that I don't care. I try. I try really really hard. And yet I still feel guilty because my husband suffers from chronic pain too. He has a chronic back pain disorder that really fucks with him. But he chooses to ignore it. That's how he works. He pushes past everything and doesn't quit until his body forces him to. And then he complains that he hurts. And sometimes he doesn't take painkillers because he's "manly". But he'll lie on a heating pad that massages for two hours. And then he'll get back up and do it again. I wonder if it all comes from working with his mother, being often forced to work for days on end at the flower shop with no sleep, little time to eat, and rarely any rest.
I wonder if it annoys him that I don't want to work that way, that I can't put my body through that like he can, just "buck up and do it, the pain doesn't matter, ignore the pain, it's nothing, you'll get through it, you can do anything, there's no pain you can't work past."
And I think it annoys me that he wants me to think like that.
However, our relationship is full of compromises, compensations, honesty, and understanding. We don't fight. We bicker, we argue, we disagree. But we always, always come around a few minutes later laughing. We understand. We see through each other's eyes. We each know how difficult it can be, we know it can work out and be okay. Sometimes we're just cranky and grumpy about random whatevers, we take it out on each other, and then it's done. However, I admit that because we've never had true fights, we've never had makeup sex. What's that like?
I want to clean my bathroom until it's gleaming and I'm sore. I want to scrub it down until I can see my face reflected in the tub, in the floor tiles, in the sink. My brain says, "Yes you can! Go do it! Do it right now!" Then my body says, "Oh, fuck this, I hurt too much." There needs to be a point in between, where I can compromise, balance brain and body; where I can say, "This hurts like an absolute monster bitch but I can do it and I will do it and I will find ways to compensate and compromise, so it gets done because by god I need to do this."
I've been compensating my entire life. You'd think I'd be able to do it with constant agonizing forever pain too.
/end rant
I feel better. That needed to come out.
Hey honey? I love you. I'll clean the bathroom.
Since the fibromyalgia pain just isn't going to go away whenever I ask it to, no matter now politely, it's time to rethink my strategies for doing... anything.
I forget things. Or I start to do things, collapse in pain, go rest, and forget to finish. This happens with fibro. Sorry, but it does.
Two weeks ago, Adam replaced all the faucets in the bathtub. He asked me to clean up the bathroom afterwards. My fog-addled brain (blame epilepsy, the epilepsy medication, and the fibro) interpreted it badly. Two weeks later, Adam was irritated. I don't blame him. Yesterday, he cleaned and scrubbed the tub until it gleamed, moved around the hanging racks, adjusted the curtain. He says he wants it spotless, that it still is not done. I feel guilty. He mutters that he's the only one in the house who actually does any work. I feel massively guilty; guilt and self-rage shoving through the constant haze of pain.
Here's the thing, though: Adam's work ethic is that of "Push myself hard and never stop until everything is done, and then fall over when I run out of adrenaline and my body finally catches up and smacks me down; then get up and keep going no matter what."
I cannot do that. I can't live like that. I can't accept that philosophy. I'd kill myself working like that.
My work ethic is "Do as much as I possibly can for as long as I can, take breaks, finish up when it no longer causes excruciating pain, and even when it does, keep taking small breaks until eventually it's done."
I think our work ethics clash severely. Especially when my memory craps out. I'm not being lazy, honest. It's not that I don't care. I try. I try really really hard. And yet I still feel guilty because my husband suffers from chronic pain too. He has a chronic back pain disorder that really fucks with him. But he chooses to ignore it. That's how he works. He pushes past everything and doesn't quit until his body forces him to. And then he complains that he hurts. And sometimes he doesn't take painkillers because he's "manly". But he'll lie on a heating pad that massages for two hours. And then he'll get back up and do it again. I wonder if it all comes from working with his mother, being often forced to work for days on end at the flower shop with no sleep, little time to eat, and rarely any rest.
I wonder if it annoys him that I don't want to work that way, that I can't put my body through that like he can, just "buck up and do it, the pain doesn't matter, ignore the pain, it's nothing, you'll get through it, you can do anything, there's no pain you can't work past."
And I think it annoys me that he wants me to think like that.
However, our relationship is full of compromises, compensations, honesty, and understanding. We don't fight. We bicker, we argue, we disagree. But we always, always come around a few minutes later laughing. We understand. We see through each other's eyes. We each know how difficult it can be, we know it can work out and be okay. Sometimes we're just cranky and grumpy about random whatevers, we take it out on each other, and then it's done. However, I admit that because we've never had true fights, we've never had makeup sex. What's that like?
I want to clean my bathroom until it's gleaming and I'm sore. I want to scrub it down until I can see my face reflected in the tub, in the floor tiles, in the sink. My brain says, "Yes you can! Go do it! Do it right now!" Then my body says, "Oh, fuck this, I hurt too much." There needs to be a point in between, where I can compromise, balance brain and body; where I can say, "This hurts like an absolute monster bitch but I can do it and I will do it and I will find ways to compensate and compromise, so it gets done because by god I need to do this."
I've been compensating my entire life. You'd think I'd be able to do it with constant agonizing forever pain too.
/end rant
I feel better. That needed to come out.
Hey honey? I love you. I'll clean the bathroom.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 04:31 pm (UTC)I time managed so well cleaning the tub last time that I didn't stop because of burn out - I kept an awareness of my body, checking into see when I was past it, changing what I was doing, that I finished it in an hour and it felt like the equivalent of reading a satisfying book. Not that it's anything similar, activity wise, but the way I was able to keep my mind off the time (I thought it had only been 20 minutes), and it flew past. That was amazing, for me! and it gave me some insights in how cleverly arranged time management can help me accomplish seemingly long winded projects that I might get through half of and then get tired of.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 04:31 pm (UTC)see, the way i look at it, there are BIG IMPORTANT THINGS and then there is everything else.
i can do BITs, no matter what, because they have to be done. i don't need to prove this to anyone, because i have proved it to myself.
cleaning the bathroom and doing the dishes? these do not fall under this umbrella. even though i am perfectly capeable of pushing through the pain, of moving mountains, etc etc etc, if i have a headache or my neck is bothering me, i don't clean the kitchen. i have the damn fool sense to go lay down. why? because this is not an emergency. i am not dragging a wounded comerade across a battle-field. it's all a matter of perspective.
i think in some cases the "never quit!" motto is admirable, but in some cases it's just kind of, um, stupid. not to say Adam is stupid, just criticizing the mindset, you understand.
i'm lucky, james and i both work on the "fuck it, it isn't important, isn't important, HOLY CRAP THIS PLACE IS A DISASTER AND WE NEED TO CLEAN RIGHT NOW" thoughtwave *grin*.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 05:27 pm (UTC)I also criticize the "never quit" motto, as we are not in a Navy SEAL training camp. But I do like to go by the "find a different way to do it" motto. Even if said different way is taking small five-second breaks while slowly washing dishes (oh, that sounds pathetic).
Ahh, mutual procrastination... *grin*
no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 06:49 pm (UTC)Around here most house work falls to Chris even tho I'd prefer it not to be that way. I'm doing okay right now so I am doing more. In the new washer and dryer, I can do more laundry. Getting a laundry sorter with wheels was very helpful.
It sometimes boils down to I can take care of this one thing or I can be available for something later. He'd rather clean up and leave me with enough energy to have sex than a clean house and no sex.
It boils down to I cook dinner, I do some laundry, I dust sometimes and keep the clutter picked up. I also drag the child around for skating and dance and homeschool her.
Chris actually gets angry if I over clean. He just wants me to not wear myself out. He hates clutter. So I try to keep from having much of that around. I'm notorious for stacking and piling things up.
In this house, I have an office so my stuff can be messy and closed out of sight. Now that Tatiana is old enough she is responsible for picking up her things (she's 8) and her allowance is dependent on that. She brings out her laundry when it needs to be done.
My mom does help out too. We provide her with a place to live and she pitches into the chores. She keeps up her own spaces, cleans her bathroom and Tatiana's and often is the one to empty the dishwasher. She does her own laundry too. I know that my days with that help are prolly numbered. She's 75 and eventually she'll need more help and not less.
Chris and I do things together. We grocery shop together (I can't really lift). He vacuums. He and I clean up after dinner (my mom helps with this and occasionally with cooking). He does the bathroom usually too. But I keep the stuff put away. I can wipe down the counter and sinks. I can't scrub a tub. If we do home improvements I help with what I can. I am a pretty good painter. I help where I can.
If he couldn't help, I don't know what we would do. We did hire lawn people because I can't do that and he doesn't want to. I try to do a bit everyday. He mostly takes care of the pets.
He knows if I could I'd do more. His mother makes nasty cracks about him having to work full-time and take care of the house. These hurt me. But he really is happier if I am taking care of myself. We know that decorating for holidays just takes me longer now. I can't do it all in an afternoon. He's pretty good about stopping me even tho he's far too good at getting it done. I've had 2 surgeries to hold my right wrist together and 6 total on my knees so we are careful about not breaking me again (not that it doesn't happen) but we do try to avoid it.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 10:31 pm (UTC)hmmm
Date: 2007-08-14 06:50 pm (UTC)But as far as pain vs work ethic, I think you do the best you can with what you have...or in some cases don't have. And that's good enough.
I also think men who push themelves that way lose the right to bitch too much about hurting. I mean please...accept you have limits like the rest of us, kkthanx.
But that's just me. And what do I know? I'm so tired, owwwie and medicated, I cant find my ass with my elbow.
Re: hmmm
Date: 2007-08-14 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-14 10:04 pm (UTC)MEN!
no subject
Date: 2007-08-15 12:12 am (UTC)I forget certain things, like to put some laundry away, and he gets ill when he can't find something or other.
But, like you said, we get over it. He gets frustrated, then remembers about my medication side-effects and what not.