Hot and Cold
Jul. 21st, 2008 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxToday is shaping up to be another Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day where the pain goes to eleven. The last time I felt like this was June 17th; I posted about it then. It was soul-crushing, nerve-scraping, howling and violent then. It will be so today because it is already happening. Today I will lose my mind for a while, cry and yell and beg and whimper and pray it will end. And then it will be over. Until the next Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
The post-ictal symptoms have finally faded. Unfortunately, I spent some time last night trapped in a BDD cycle. This happens often after seizures. I see parts of my body so distorted, so ugly, so shapeless and horrible, that it triggers the anorexia scars and I panic if a pair of pants feels too tight, I panic if my waistline looks larger. After everything fades, after every symptom passes, I am left breathless and confused and struggling to fit myself back together. My dreams last night reflected this.
I am waiting for the pain pills and anti-fatigue pills to kick in.
I feel clinical and cynical; a girl with a Heart Shaped Locket (Cleopatra meets Sandra Dee).
The post-ictal symptoms have finally faded. Unfortunately, I spent some time last night trapped in a BDD cycle. This happens often after seizures. I see parts of my body so distorted, so ugly, so shapeless and horrible, that it triggers the anorexia scars and I panic if a pair of pants feels too tight, I panic if my waistline looks larger. After everything fades, after every symptom passes, I am left breathless and confused and struggling to fit myself back together. My dreams last night reflected this.
I am waiting for the pain pills and anti-fatigue pills to kick in.
I feel clinical and cynical; a girl with a Heart Shaped Locket (Cleopatra meets Sandra Dee).
