It goes to eleven
Jun. 17th, 2008 11:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxAs far as pain goes, today is a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
The pain is off the scale, off the chart, beyond the moon. Every single joint feels swollen, and every muscle aches, and every nerve is on fire, and if body parts could scream they'd all be screaming. My knees feel destroyed. I feel like I don't even have knee joints, like there's just nothing there but emptiness and screaming nerves and violent pain. My eyes are glazed over, my brain is glazed over, it's hard to think straight. The MSM and DLPA are finally starting to work, but it's like hacking through a rainforest with a butcher knife. I want to howl in agony. The bus was late, the train kept delaying, I got to work late -- my boss was at his doctor's and came in late himself -- and I spent twenty minutes in a stall in the bathroom taking deep deep ragged yoga breaths struggling to force my mind to dull its own pain centers. I didn't check my work email until my boss came in, and he got annoyed, and I was just too bloody tired to explain why, so I just apologized and kept working.* Although I'm pretty sure he could see the set of my jaw, the way my aching hands clenched and unclenched, the way I kept breathing so slowly, carefully, nearly sobbing. I want to fall unconscious for a few days. I want to be nothing, feel nothing. Stupid body.
I know this will pass. It always does. But right now I want to rip out every nerve in my body. I want to strangle all my nociceptors. Those bitches are making my life so fucking hellish.
*Edit: My boss apologized for being annoyed, and said he should have realized I was in so much pain (we're close like that; he can tell). He said I could go home early. I do have an hour of comp time due to me anyway.
The pain is off the scale, off the chart, beyond the moon. Every single joint feels swollen, and every muscle aches, and every nerve is on fire, and if body parts could scream they'd all be screaming. My knees feel destroyed. I feel like I don't even have knee joints, like there's just nothing there but emptiness and screaming nerves and violent pain. My eyes are glazed over, my brain is glazed over, it's hard to think straight. The MSM and DLPA are finally starting to work, but it's like hacking through a rainforest with a butcher knife. I want to howl in agony. The bus was late, the train kept delaying, I got to work late -- my boss was at his doctor's and came in late himself -- and I spent twenty minutes in a stall in the bathroom taking deep deep ragged yoga breaths struggling to force my mind to dull its own pain centers. I didn't check my work email until my boss came in, and he got annoyed, and I was just too bloody tired to explain why, so I just apologized and kept working.* Although I'm pretty sure he could see the set of my jaw, the way my aching hands clenched and unclenched, the way I kept breathing so slowly, carefully, nearly sobbing. I want to fall unconscious for a few days. I want to be nothing, feel nothing. Stupid body.
I know this will pass. It always does. But right now I want to rip out every nerve in my body. I want to strangle all my nociceptors. Those bitches are making my life so fucking hellish.
*Edit: My boss apologized for being annoyed, and said he should have realized I was in so much pain (we're close like that; he can tell). He said I could go home early. I do have an hour of comp time due to me anyway.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 04:25 pm (UTC)Okay, more seriously: hang in there. It's got to get better at some point.
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Date: 2008-06-17 04:38 pm (UTC)So, tell me about those co-workers.
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Date: 2008-06-17 05:05 pm (UTC)Still not as bad as the phone call I got asking "What kind of computer do I have, a PC or a Mac?"
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Date: 2008-06-17 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 04:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-17 08:20 pm (UTC)----<-<-@
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Date: 2008-06-17 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 04:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 01:51 pm (UTC)I've tried Cymbalta, and I had bizarre side effects, so it's not for me. But I am quite happy it's been officially approved!
Did you see that post from the troll on the fibro community, asking why an anti-depressant was approved for fibromyalgia?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 05:58 pm (UTC)hang in there