Break On Through

[brightrosefox]

All right, well...
Not... all right.

I had a mother of a panic attack, to the point where I had no idea what my next thought or movement would be. Adam and I were in the kitchen. We were talking. I felt that sudden rush of disorientation, unreality, so I excused myself and ran upstairs to take my epilepsy meds. Didn't help I got to the top of the stairs and doubled over, struggling to breathe. All of a sudden the world seemed viciously small and was going to eat me. I made it down the stairs and ran into Adam, and he asked what was wrong, and I couldn't speak, just kept gasping, one arm wrapped around my midsection, and he came to me and whispered, "Oh, sweetie, come here, come here, baby, come with me..." (And he rarely calls me pet names unless he's comforting me like this) And he took me into the living room and we sat on the couch and I cried. And I cried. And I buried my face in his chest and cried. I cried like something had broken inside me and everything was bursting forth and I couldn't control it at all. And he asked, "What is it, honey? Tell me. What's wrong?" And I couldn't tell him because I couldn't find the words.
And that, hah, that's the main problem, huh?
All the stresses had built up: My fibromyalgia flares and seizures, Adam's slipped back, Charlotte's recent abdominal surgery, the kitten's eye infection, my money issues, my writing.
My writing.
It was about my writing, above all else.
Adam and I had talked earlier in the month, and he wrangled a confession out of me that I couldn't find the words to push into the next chapter, and he asked outright how much of my heart was in this. And I guess I didn't realize until just now, how much my heart really is in this. To the point where I may be stalling because I don't want to finish it, don't want to give it up. And that's insane.
So, we came up with a compromise for my writerbrain. I would write -- and finish -- one chapter per week. At the end of that week, Adam would take me to Bruster's Ice Cream Shop. Here's the thing about Bruster's ice cream: It. Is. Unbelievable. Seriously. Oh my gods. Full, thick, rich creamy, addictive. Bruster's is the pinnacle of ice cream. I have yet to taste ice cream better than Bruster's.
So, yeah, my reward.
If I don't finish that weekly chapter? No chocolate. At all. No sweets. No treats. Not until I finish the chapter, and the next chapter. Doesn't seem like much, but I adore chocolate and sweets. I have them at least twice a week.
One chapter a week, maybe two. Not that hard, right? Even with writer's block, right? Even though I know exactly where the story and plot need to go, I. Can't. Make. The. Words. Come.
FUCK.
No. I can do this. One chapter a week. Done fine.
What I need to do, writerbrain, is stop going back to edit every other chapter, good gods. I just need to finish. I need to have it DONE.
Then I can have the panic attack about sending it off to agents and such.
Right? Right?

Still shaky.

This doesn't seem like much to most people, I know, I know. Writer has trouble writing, panic attacks, big fucking deal.
But a big fucking deal to me. I'm scared, people, I am so fucking terrified.

It'll get better.
One chapter a week.
The book is close to finished, anyway.

Breathe.
Breathe.

I actually feel a little better. Cleansed. I haven't had this happen in many years.

Breathe.
Breathe.

*gets tissues*

Comments

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I can think of a lot of reasons a writer might panic over being near to the end of a book. It's hard to let go of something you've been investing so much energy in for so long.

Just keep in mind:
Finishing a book doesn't mean you stop working with the characters. There's always revision, and very often other stories worth telling. And finishing it, really finishing it, is one of the best feelings in the world.

Just take it one scene at a time. You'll get there.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

*nods* Rationally, I know all this. Emotionally, it's a complete freak-out. I appreciate the support. :)

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

You're doin' what a writer's got to do, and no, it shouldn't be easy. You and your central nervous system're just adding your own little wrinkles to the process. Rgh. Sorry to hear it's taking this kind of toll on you. But I'm impressed -- you've got the discipline and the reward system built in, so you're in better shape than it may feel, certainly at the moment. I'm glad you've got someone there to help.

It'll come. Deep breaths, relax, drink in the moment, then plunge on in.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It surprised me when I realized how much discipline I've got with this. Means I take it seriously enough to push myself as far as I can. I don't want to give up or move away. Adam says I can't be a librarian forever, if I want to be a writer.

[walksbeauty.livejournal.com]

It just seems wherever we're most passionately involved that's where we have a vast source of anxiety potential. Of COURSE your writing would be a vulnerable area for you. What a good system to reward yourself you've devised. Discipine has it's place AND it doesn't seem creativity can be forced. I HAVE to be in the right state of mind and spirit to formulate. When I was writing my book, I tried to work at least a few hours every day and some days I just didn't. I just might add my favorite admonition to myself... Be *gentle* with Yourself!

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. Some days it just doesn't happen. A lot of writers on my friends list say that no matter how disciplined and set they are, there are times when they cannot write at all. I do need to be gentle! I certainly have not been.

[walksbeauty.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes! Everybody needs a little tenderness.. and we are usually roughest on ourselves, then look to others to give us gentle treatment. We need to learn that for ourselves. I know this to be SO true from many years of being way to harsh with ME... finally learning to be my own best friend! Hope you're feeling better today... sometimes a bit of panic can clear the nerves!

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

My nerves do feel a bit better. The attack was pretty cleansing. I just need to remind myself that I shouldn't attack and criticize my writing so much. That's what a professional editor is for. ;)

[walksbeauty.livejournal.com]

Yup! At least you diffused some built up tensions! I cried alot yesterday, too .. just cried and cried about all sorts of things and had anxiety off and on all day, then a whopping migraine that kept me up half the night even with meds. I think it's a funny time with 3 major planets retrograde, Uranus going in a few days and Mercury just returning direct.. whew!

[greenteadragon.livejournal.com]

Bleh! I'm sorry you had to go through that! Those types of panic attacks are horrible! I'm glad you talked it out and cried, that always loosens that knot just a little bit.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

the carrot and stick system sounds like a good plan - the bits and pieces you've posted here are good, and i'm sure the completed book will be too

hang in there - you can do this (and need to as well from what i've seen)

writing

[quicksilver555.livejournal.com]

As a writer myself,It is always frusterating to get writer's block.I never had a panic attack before but I know alot of people with them and they are no fun,so I can sympathize with you as well as empathize.hope you are feeling better and maybe,since all things work out somehow,you'll get the best writing inspiration ever.another thing I notice is that alot of people with epilepsy are writers,like most of them.there is a definite link with epilepsy and creativity.I have found that over the years alot of my story ideas came to me quite randomly during a partial seizure,and this was way before I even suspected I had them,I just thought I was quirky or something.
feel better.be well.I give a shit about you!

Re: writing

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I often get great flashes of creativity before, during, and after seizures. :)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you for the admiration!