weird mood...body image....

[brightrosefox]

This may be the first time in ten years that I've started feeling fat. I mean, not pudge fat, but that fat has been replacing lost muscle and I can see my thighs ripple. If I tense up, I can still see and feel muscle underneath that's rock hard, but it doesn't stay like it should. It worries me. I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong, why I'm getting so soft. My weight has been fluctuating oddly--one day 89, the next 94. Not sure what to think. All I know is that if I let my abdomen muscles relax, I can pinch skin. I haven't done that since I was 14. Adam mentioned I was looking "more human"; in the shower the other day he said that even though he could still see my ribs he could no longer count them. I guess that's a good thing? I know, I have nothing to worry about because I'm the skinniest person you all know and shit and I can barely wear a size 0 without a belt. But that's not how I feel, so fuck off.

In Beth's Friends list, I occasionally visit deadwhore's journal. She is this astoundingly beautiful 18-year-old who posts photos of herself in lingerie or less, with pride. She's got the face of Milla Jojovich combined with Angelina Jolie but prettier, a body to die for, and she oozes sexuality. I'm starting to get jealous. I know I could do that if I had the courage.

I'm glad I have a boyfriend who loves my body as much as my mind. Now I just have to convince myself of the same thing.