Okay, then...

[brightrosefox]

I think I am going to be cryptic and just say that I am monumentally confused... and slightly hurt. I don't know what to think about myself anymore.

But you know, it really does not matter. Life is what you make of it. Usually.

Looks like it's time to make a few deep personal changes, that's all. As soon as I figure out exactly how I need to change.

Comments

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

I don't know what that means, but *hugs* I am thinking about you, and hoping you'll be OK with whatever is happening. Feel free to shoot me a message if you ever want to just chat.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I will take you up on that offer soon, once my head is clear enough.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. I will be here for you <3

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

And I just replied to your message. *hugs*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that was very insightful, and I think it may be what was really going on. He'll never admit it, though, unless I word my reply very carefully.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's going on, but I hope you come out of your changes stronger and more intrinsically you. *hug*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Me too. Thank you. I think I will go take another look at that card reading you gave me. It might help.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that someone close to you just told you something that took a blow at your perception, maybe the part of your perception that is in charge of self-awareness in your interactions with others. :(

Whatever the case is, I'm sorry. And please bear in mind that it's healthy to acknowledge these feelings of confusion and pain, but figuring them out may go beyond the realm of "What I Need to Change About Myself." Perhaps, and especially if my guess is correct, you should hold off on the change and merely figure out where you're standing before you make your move. It's a smart thing to do regardless of the situation because you may see things differently once the pang wears off.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Dude.
0_o
DUDE.
0_0
You're GOOD.

That's exactly what happened.

And that's exactly how I need to go about it.

You're not psychic, are you? Because damn.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

;* kiss kiss, hug hug.

My first clue was that your post was very short and very immediate which is something I see often in people who are reacting. The level of hurt you felt, needing to update like this just to get the reaction out of the way (in order to process the emotions later) meant that 1. you were hurt by someone you love and care about, and 2. are in close proximity with. You're updating here because it's difficult for you to reach out to the people in closest proximity to you right now.

Additionally, someone as internally oriented as you are has to really focus outward in youth to stay grounded in reality. As people like us become adults, paying attention to the needs of others, especially people we perceive as family, becomes highly important in our own evolution. This makes it so much easier to say, "Wait! No! It's not them, it's me," when these people come to us and tell us about something they see. Because we don't want to push them away by being defensive, the first thing we try to do is figure out what they're seeing that we aren't.

I'm guessing what happened was not between you and Adam, but rather you and ... Beca, perhaps. I'm not sensing that this is something romantic, I think it's more familial and based out of respect due to the lack of egotistical involvement.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

No, it was between me and Adam. He told me I used my medical conditions as a crutch, and that I was not really "disabled" even though I have a disability. I was really really confused and floored. He said that compared to his brother Michael, who lived in a group home for the severely disabled, I was not truly disabled.
He said it did not mean I was a bad person, just that I had to stop "using the conditions as a crutch." I don't think I use anything as a crutch. This has really thrown me.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Oh! In that case, I really hold by my initial advice. Do you think it's merely a thought that has been slowly brewing due to hardship? When things like this happen, it almost always seems like the person delivering the blow has taken a step outside of their ability to take care of another person emotionally. Perhaps his emotions conflict too strongly with how he truly perceives you (as a strong woman and a partner) and thus he hasn't fully dealt with this creeping feeling of anxiety at something in his life. I couldn't be sure, obviously, just food for thought as I'm trying to distract you from the hurting.

I don't know if right now you need someone to listen to you or someone to talk to you and try to provide perspective, but, whatever it is, just let me know if you can't find it in anyone else right now. I can do both the advice thing AND the listening thing.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

That is entirely possible. In fact, that is probably it. I admit I haven't been doing much and I think he thinks I just don't try anymore.

He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He says he just wants to keep loving me and being with me, and he doesn't want to argue. He says all that matters is love.
It's sweet and wonderful, but you know how analytical and fixated I can get. I always want to know WHY.

I may need... I don't know. Someone to talk to and listen who is not a totally close friend. You would fit that bill. You know me from my online ramblings, but you would also be a third-person perspective.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

If you need to talk out loud, feel free to call me at 806-252-8409. I don't work until 11 tomorrow, so if it keeps you up or anything you can absolutely call me late. I'm good at appeasing awkward situations on the phone when it comes to talking to new people. And if that doesn't sound good, you can always message me.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Can I call you now? Would that be too late?

[tokio.livejournal.com]

It's 1:30 where you are, so nighty night! I work from 11-6 tomorrow if you find you still need to talk, although I bet you'll feel better sleeping on it.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

As is now... 10:44 in the morning, I do feel better! That was an awesome sleep.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Actually, it might be better if I message you. I don't feel very vocally coherent and I'm starting to actually feel tired! Are you on AIM, or Gmail Chat, or what sort of messaging would you want to use?

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Oh. :x I don't have anything like that. Let me download something.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Downloading AIM!

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Cool! My screen name is SirenRose8.

(And the ridiculous thing is I had to log in to AIM to remember that! Shows how much I use AIM these days.)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

I have to uninstall it! D: It's doing something weird to the computer. Haha.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Hmm. That sucks!

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Got it! Name is ohtokio. Message me when you get this. I'll be up for a little while longer.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Heh, I finally went to sleep right after we had this comment conversation. I'll be on AIM in the afternoon and probably evening, though. I'll add you to my buddy list.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

THEN AGAIN. This could have everything to do with ego involvement, which would throw my guess off. I hate it when that happens.

[fire_my_spirit]

Does this have to do with the crutch thing posted elsewhere?

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Where?

[fire_my_spirit]

On Facebook. I see it is, from your comment above. To be honest I wasn't sure to make of that little note when I read it. It seemed kind of fluffy to me.

I wonder if he feels that way because you've seemed to unhappy lately. Here on lj, anyway.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that note is a little fluffy! But it's cute, and it helps drive home what I feel like I need right now.

I don't know if it's because I've been unhappy. It's possibly because I seem unmotivated and afraid to do things. I really wouldn't blame him.

[fire_my_spirit]

Ehhh. The only useful concepts I got out of it were "don't be afraid to ask for help" and "don't make your child into a special case". All the rest of it seemed to be treading a very fine line -- it's one thing to work with a disability and live your life to the fullest regardless, and another to deny a disability as a fact of life to try and achieve the same. It seems to me it's far too easy to fall into the latter.

I dunno. Between working with Allison and my brother coming to terms with his autism, I've been thinking about "disability" a lot lately, and I kind of see life itself as the great equalizer nowadays. I know people who haven't got the slightest thing wrong with them in any "disability" sort of way who fall into those exact same traps, letting their lives fly by and using various aspects of themselves as crutches. Like not having the education they feel they need or feeling trapped in horrible jobs, or even whatever the personality flaw of the day is. Regardless of whether you are in fact using your disability as a crutch, and regardless of how deep that disability actually goes, I don't think the issue here should be the crutch itself -- I think it should be having any kind of crutch in the first place.

Maybe -- and this is a guess, no offense meant -- maybe you're unmotivated and afraid to do things and you're coming across as using your disability to give those feelings a face you can blame. I'm starting to think I spent the past several years going on about seasonal affective disorder because it was away to avoid the fact that I was unhappy with life in general; winter has been my crutch. Nobody is safe from crutches.

Here is something I have been thinking about near constantly for the past couple weeks. Maybe you'll get something out of it.
http://queen-in-autumn.livejournal.com/738752.html

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I think it should be having any kind of crutch in the first place.

I agree. That's why it startled me when my husband told me I even had a crutch. I really hadn't considered it.

I think I have been coming across as using the medical conditions to give those feelings a face I can blame. But to me, it wasn't a crutch, I just considered it fact. Now that I've slept on it, I can see the crutch. I'm not offended or insulted, just very confused and floundering.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, you mean...
Yes. Actually it does.

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Be well.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

*belated and non-specific hugs*