A scene from Chapter Three

[brightrosefox]

She vaguely remembered a bright flash and a massive surge that had all but knocked her to the ground. Had she fallen? She couldn't remember. But she felt alive, and her eyes were open, and she was. . .
Not where I was two seconds ago. This isn't the den.
She was on her hands and knees on a barren, gold-sand landscape, mist all around and no one in sight. Standing shakily, she turned and saw Kara just getting to her feet nearby.
"Kara!" Hurrying to her friend's side, Dana helped her up. "What happened? Where are we?"
Hair blowing in her face, Kara looked around. "Astral plane."
"How do you know--"
Dana stopped; she thought she could hear voices, echoing down a long tunnel. Still alive over there? one asked. Ian. Tom's voice answered. I think so. . .
"Ian and Tom," she whispered. "Damn it, we're tranced. . ."
"This doesn't surprise me," Kara muttered.
What the hell did you do, little brother? Ian asked in the distance.
"What did happen?" Dana asked, brushing her hair from her face.
Kara was shaking her head. "I'm not sure. I remember talking with Thomas, and then I tranced. I was in a very dark place for a while. Just before you got here, I felt this massive power surge--I felt like something had just been blown up--and then I was here, and so were you."
She paused, blinking, and looked at her hands. "Dana--what color is my aura?"
"Sort of blue and gold, and some gray," Dana said. "Why?"
Kara shook her head again. "Because before I tranced, there were dark lines shot all through--and in Tom's aura, too."
Folding her arms, Dana frowned. "There's something the boys aren't telling us."
"No shit."
"During the training session outside, something attacked us psychically," Dana said, "and I got the feeling Ian knew what it was."
"I think Tom did too." Kara sighed. "How are you holding up?"
Rubbing her arms, Dana shrugged. "A little shaky. My head hurts."
"You probably got hit harder than the rest of us."
"Overload?" Dana smiled without humor.
"That would do it. Which means we should wake up and get back to the real world."
"I'd like to," Dana said. "But I can't."
Kara was shaking her head and grinning; abruptly she threw back her head, screamed Thomas' name, and grabbed onto Dana's hand.

Thomas whipped his head around; that was definitely Kara's voice. He knelt by her again, touched her hand, and squeezed. "Okay, time to wake up now. Both of you. I heard you, you know."
Slowly, Kara's lips parted into a trembling half-smile. "You better have." Her eyes opened. "Hi."
He smiled back. "Good morning."
She smacked his arm. "Where's Dana?"
"Here," Ian called. "It's taking her a little while."
Kara sat up, got to her feet with Thomas' help, and walked over, frowning. "She was with me when Tom pulled us back. . ."
"She should have woken up now, is what you mean," said Thomas. "Don't tell me she's still stuck in trance."
Shaking her head, Kara crouched down, her frown deepening. She touched Dana's head. "Dana. . .sweetie. . .come on, wake up. Everything's okay now."
Not even long eyelashes stirred. Kara cursed under her breath. "I'm going back in."
"Like hell you are," Ian snapped suddenly. "It took you that long to come back, and I don't want to risk the both of you!"
She looked at him, mouth stretched in a thin line.
"I'll go," he said.
"Thomas, tell him he's an idiot," Kara sighed.
"Ian, you're an idiot," Thomas nodded. "But be careful."
"Tom!"
"Well, one of us has been unconscious for a while," Thomas reasoned, glancing at her. "He hasn't."
"I'm the one who usually brings her back, guys. . ."
Ian shook his head. "Sorry, Kara. Look, despite what you think, you need to recover. Tom needs to recover. The only one who's at full strength right now is me. Use the logic."
"Didn't we fail logic in college?" Thomas asked.
You're not helping, Ian shot telepathically, but he was smiling, faintly.
"All right then," he added, as if it settled things, and positioned himself cross-legged, Dana's head on his lap. "Tom, keep tabs, and wake me when I signal."
His brother nodded. And then Ian's eyes fell closed and his body slumped.

Comments

[quietpassion.livejournal.com]

Oooo, interesting. Now I want to know what happened before and what happens after. :)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. That's encouraging. :)

[quietpassion.livejournal.com]

Cool. And, while I'm thinking about it, as someone who also wants to write fantasy-fiction someday and has read books on how to do it...more description of the surroundings and more how does it feel/smell/look/taste/sound would make it more realistic and pull the reader into your story.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, good point! You know, I always get so caught up in describing how the character feels that I forget to describe how the character feels -- physically versus emotionally. I'm in their heads a lot, but not their bodies. Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for reminding me. *goes to see which scenes she can add "sensory descriptions" to*

[for-filosofia.livejournal.com]

Me, too!

A little more description of this "astral plane" would be welcome, as well.

Ooh, and can you profile your characters? How do they know each other? Where are they living?

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Yes, but I've already described the astral plane in just about every scene before this one and a few after. This is a random scene. This is just dialogue. I can always throw in another scene that has description. But you're right. I'll look into it. :)

Profile? What do you mean?

[for-filosofia.livejournal.com]

Fair enough about the astral plane. I thought that was probably the case. The thing is, though, as your reader -- and I do realize that these are random bits; I write in a non-linear fashion as well -- I feel like I'm a little bit lost. Which is why I asked for a profile, which is basically a short description of your character. I don't need to know everything -- what's the fun in that? -- but it would be nice to know a little bit more about Dana and the others and where they're from and how they relate to one another.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's not a problem. I need to do full profiles anyway. I haven't decided their favorite types of music yet anyway. ;) Where should I do this, in my journal or one of the communities, or...?

[for-filosofia.livejournal.com]

Haha, you're my kind of girl. While I haven't seen very many character profiles in worldswithin, it seems to be a free-for-all community, so you can probably post something there. Maybe ask a world-building question while you're at it -- that seems to be the "bartering system" of the group. But you can post it here as well, since I, for one, check your LJ regularly.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Will do. Thanks! I'm going to think about it for a few days; I've lived with these characters for six years...