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brightrosefoxI am finding it extremely hard to brain properly today. I may have had a couple of little seizures last night. My emotional... emotionality was not... emotional. Quite flat and distant, really. Observing myself perform tasks, speak words, and think thoughts while feeling detached. Essentially, depersonalization. That has been happening more and more during and after seizures. I've found some fascinating quotes that I'm still pondering: "...the dissociative condition was in fact a form of temporal lobe seizure. This is of interest in that the temporal lobe is more prone to seizure activity than any other lobe of the cortex... In addition, temporal lobe seizures are notable for producing states of altered consciousness, including those in which the sense of 'personal identity' may disappear." This is something I will have to bring up during next week's appointment with the neurologist.
I do remember cleaning the kitchen counter and stove with an abrasive cleanser (a Magic Eraser sponge) as though my life depended on it. This was after Adam watched me scoop cat litter and made the comment that the entire litter area was filthy. I commented that I hadn't really noticed. True. My perceptions are skewed. Adam pulled everything out of the closet space, swept up litter and debris, and casually mentioned that I "never clean anything." I found myself blankly agreeing, flat and detached and uncaring. Afterwards, when Adam went to the kitchen to wash up, I watched myself grab cleaning supplies and mechanically start working on surfaces. I began working mechanically, emotionless and and nearly compulsive. The counters weren't sparkling clean, but my muscles, joints, and nerves were already exhausted, and logically I knew that continuing would leave me useless later. My left arm was already fairly useless, at different times spasming, tensing, becoming limp. Switching between paresis and plegia, allowing sensation but not voluntary movement. I hate when that happens. General asthenia is one of those things I have grown to accept but it will always frustrate me.
I have odd moments in which very random things motivate me unexpectedly, and I whirl through the house on a frenzied cleaning spree, rationally understanding that I probably will not do a thorough job because the way I perceive things is not "normal" and I tend to miss obvious details. When Adam comes home, he always compliments me on at least "trying hard." I take no offense, I never feel shamed or upset. We are both aware that my perception problems and my pain disorders make homemaker life very difficult. We do our best to work with my conditions. It is incredibly frustrating, yes. I seem lazy to observers. I seem unmotivated, carefree, aloof, too internally focused, too self-absorbed, spending too much time inside my head. Sometimes, Adam and I joke that we wish I had the type of OCD that involved house cleaning.
I have used various techniques, so please, there is no need to comment about "trying this or that" concerning household chores.
I believe the point of this entry was to record the observation of epileptic activity. A slightly more reality-interactive Being Alice moment, as it were. I just feel very tired, very much in pain of many kinds, very not interested in anyone telling me how to feel or think. That happens so much in the disabled world, doesn't it? We all want to help each other and some of us take it a little too far? I refuse to participate in any Pain Olympics, but I certainly welcome thoughts and ideas and anecdotes, always.
I forgot where this was going. Sorry.
I do remember cleaning the kitchen counter and stove with an abrasive cleanser (a Magic Eraser sponge) as though my life depended on it. This was after Adam watched me scoop cat litter and made the comment that the entire litter area was filthy. I commented that I hadn't really noticed. True. My perceptions are skewed. Adam pulled everything out of the closet space, swept up litter and debris, and casually mentioned that I "never clean anything." I found myself blankly agreeing, flat and detached and uncaring. Afterwards, when Adam went to the kitchen to wash up, I watched myself grab cleaning supplies and mechanically start working on surfaces. I began working mechanically, emotionless and and nearly compulsive. The counters weren't sparkling clean, but my muscles, joints, and nerves were already exhausted, and logically I knew that continuing would leave me useless later. My left arm was already fairly useless, at different times spasming, tensing, becoming limp. Switching between paresis and plegia, allowing sensation but not voluntary movement. I hate when that happens. General asthenia is one of those things I have grown to accept but it will always frustrate me.
I have odd moments in which very random things motivate me unexpectedly, and I whirl through the house on a frenzied cleaning spree, rationally understanding that I probably will not do a thorough job because the way I perceive things is not "normal" and I tend to miss obvious details. When Adam comes home, he always compliments me on at least "trying hard." I take no offense, I never feel shamed or upset. We are both aware that my perception problems and my pain disorders make homemaker life very difficult. We do our best to work with my conditions. It is incredibly frustrating, yes. I seem lazy to observers. I seem unmotivated, carefree, aloof, too internally focused, too self-absorbed, spending too much time inside my head. Sometimes, Adam and I joke that we wish I had the type of OCD that involved house cleaning.
I have used various techniques, so please, there is no need to comment about "trying this or that" concerning household chores.
I believe the point of this entry was to record the observation of epileptic activity. A slightly more reality-interactive Being Alice moment, as it were. I just feel very tired, very much in pain of many kinds, very not interested in anyone telling me how to feel or think. That happens so much in the disabled world, doesn't it? We all want to help each other and some of us take it a little too far? I refuse to participate in any Pain Olympics, but I certainly welcome thoughts and ideas and anecdotes, always.
I forgot where this was going. Sorry.
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Date: 2012-05-07 09:18 pm (UTC)I'm going to be posting about this in a few, I think. You'll see. *hugs*
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Date: 2012-05-07 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-07 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-07 10:53 pm (UTC)I did feel like I could move my body the way I wanted, but something wasn't connecting properly. I felt like I, myself, the Joanna who existed, was starting to fade away, and my body just kept on going. I didn't talk or make noise, but now I wonder what would have happened if I had.
*HUGS* Jarring is... jarring. Sorry. Still braining badly.