Who's lying, the mirror or the mind?

[brightrosefox]

Okay, this is a bit of fucked up.
I keep catching my reflection in elevator doors, the glass doors of the two downstairs suites, and in the bathroom multi-way mirrors. I don't like what I see. I see...too skinny. I see bone under the skin. I see lack of muscle. Does this mean my battle with my eating disorder has taken a significant turn for the better when I see myself as skinny and think I look disgusting and hideous? I'm pale as death. I look skeletal. I'm so puzzled. I thought I looked fine and healthy last night. I do have great muscle tone. I don't look as if I'm dying anymore. My breasts are still full, my ass is still round. But my face looks bad. My cheekbones are too sharp. My cheeks look sunken.
Is it because of my clothes? I'm wearing a tight black long-sleeved t-shirt and form-fitting black slacks. Where are my curves? All I see is bone.
I'm so confused. I'm stll healthy, aren't I?

Comments

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

my guess is it's the clothes.
beatniks, goths and artists all have some of the same idea...you look thinner, sunken, pale in the face when you are wearing a tight black top. especially since if you are looking at yourself under flourescent light, the black clothes and your red hair (esp. if it's a dark red) will bring out the greenish undertones of your normally warm skin, making you look...well, dead. i have had these moments. scary times when i look at myself and see a walking corpse girl (not lately, heh....). it happened with my hands a few months ago. i was looking at my hands and i couldn't contextualize....they looked like something used to pull something dark from a grave. it was a lighting thing.
and yes, it is good if you are no longer seeing "latex stretched across skeleton" as an attractive body type. but really, this is all about your health, mental and physical. anorexics almost always suffer some form of body dismorphic disorder, which can actually swing either way. remember that you are healthy, you are doing good things for yourself, you look great and you are beautiful. then if you get the chance go sit or walk in the sun and feel warm and remember that i love you.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

That makes so much sense I have to kick myself for not realizing it.

I knew when I set out black clothes last night I kept wondering why the hell I was going to wear black: It's summer, first of all, and black always makes you look thinner. And yes, actually, those lights are flourescent. Oy.

Note to self: Buy bright-colored clothing!

I didn't realize that BDD in anorexics could swing the other way. It was rather frightening. I finally truly saw what everyone else had been forced to look at for four years. Damn.

I always say that the lighting can make or break a photograph. I didn't think it attributed to "in the flesh" moments, too.

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

well BDD is usually involved in just being unable to recognize the actual truth of ones own body. the last time i saw you, you looked AMAZING. have you dropped weight since then?
i mean, it's good that you're seeing through clearer eyes. just don't let that vision drive you to more nastybad thoughts about yourself.

[stainedpaper.livejournal.com]

lighting in office buildings is horrible.. it makes every imperfection show.
one day, when i have my own office, i'll bring in lamps and turn off the evil flourescent lights!