We are our friends always

[brightrosefox]

I am about to really really open up here.
Please don't scold me. Please don't smack me. Please don't get upset. Maybe I have said these things before and I forgot.
Please... just listen.

Dear brain science people:
 Does anyone know about temporal lobe epilepsy paired with any comorbid mood disorders, psychiatric disorders, neurological, neurobiological, or neurochemical disorders? I'm not just talking about depression and anxiety. I'm talking about disorders like dysthymia and even cyclothymia.
There are times when psychic talons are grabbing my brain and squeezing and shaking and something deep inside is insisting that nothing I do is worth anything. Now, that may just be major depressive disorder talking, honestly. But right now, as I launch myself into deep medical science studies and talk to doctor after doctor, I do wonder if the Things inside my brain are deeper and darker than I think. It is getting difficult to make myself fully happy.
The people around me, online and in person, who can really make me laugh and be joyful beyond joy... they are so few, and I do not know know to make more friends in person who can do the same. I need my nerds and geeks and artists and writers and and scientists and bookworms and polymaths and comedians, and I feel far too shy and anxious to reach out. The worst they can say is "No, I am busy" and that is fine. That is always completely fine and understood and it is okay.
Sometimes I want to cry and I have no idea what to say. All I can do is write back and forth, like a pen pal. Maybe that is the best way to do this. Just write. So they cannot see and hear me while I cry and while my words become scrambled and tumbled. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What should I do? What should I say?
I want someone to understand why I still want to be Jean Grey when I grow up, even though she always dies.
To repeat: I have spoken to doctors and therapists at length. I am not at liberty to divulge anything right now. Sorry.

Edit:
You know...
Maybe this is another major depressive episode with anxiety. I mean, I did have several seizures, and PMS, and constant fibromyalgia attacks, and my mother keeps pushing me about health issues I'm already working on, and the news is always ridiculous and depressing, yada yada yada...

Comments

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Our electricity has popped back on, but I don't know if that will last, so this will be quick. Sorry if it sounds that way, but I wanted to say something at least. Beats listening to the wind and crap.

It's not uncommon to have TLE or a seizure disorder and cyclothymia - or even full-blown bipolar disorder. I was dx'd with Bipolar when I was 18, and though that dx was taken away in 2005 when I was dx'd with C-PTSD, Borderline, and DID/MPD, I'm not sure that I DON'T have Bipolar still. My states can change in a heartbeat, but then again, so can my personalities.

Anyhow, a lot of people with cyclothymia and/or bipolar take Neurontin for it at some pretty high doses. That's not uncommon, so if you're on it, ask a doc? Honestly - and this isn't a suggestion, it's just a "Well, I've been there" thing - the best help I got was in a psych ward. They got to watch these states, along with the DID, along with things like seizures and severe flares, and then make the best diagnoses. I mean, they didn't say, "Oh, you have Lupus," because no shit, blood work shows that. But they could say, "The stress from being this sick and from having your bizarre brand of a fucked-up past causes xyz." Sometimes, seizures are triggered by stress - I think that's true for both of us. Sometimes, they just ARE. So right now is a REALLY hard time to judge what is and isn't, given recent and current changes (disability, family interactions, this current crap weather which hurts physically, too, depression in general, etc).

If you're suicidal, don't sit on this. If this is one of those "People, love me, I need light in time of darkness, and I want answers even if nothing is concrete" times, then know people do and are here for you.

Power is flickering, so I better post this before I lose power (our battery back-up is more for Toby to do his work, and only gives us 2 hours of Internet or charging-the-cell-phone use). Stay safe, do what works for you, yes there is a link between the illnesses you mentioned and you may want to ask a doctor, and if you don't feel like you ARE safe, get out. There are ways to get help. A friend of mine in NYC had water coming in through her 1st floor window, but her boyfriend (who we now know is abusive) wouldn't let her tape up the windows or leave because he thought she was over-reacting. He physically held her back until she tried to climb out the window. I told her that storm or not, GET OUT. If you don't feel right or safe, GET OUT. There are always ways, and always people. Always. <3

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I'm sure you can understand how much I appreciate it. I will absolutely have a discussion with both my psychologist and my neurologist. I mean, I know major depression episodes can last weeks or months and can come and go and be very intense. So I am also watching that.

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

Not a doctor, but I've seen the human brain exhibit ALL KINDS of wacky behavior when under enough stress. I'm not bipolar, but I've had stress-induced manic episodes; I've had stress-induced paranoid delusions; I've seen people have stress-induced hallucinations. And you have been under a lot of stress for, like, your entire life (and especially the past couple of years) ... so that's worth acknowledging.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear Gods, thank you.
I think I really really needed to hear (read) this.