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brightrosefox('scuse me, need to be all melodramatic for a second...)
This isn't good.
I have never performed a full, no-holds-barred, pull out all the stops witch's ritual. I have never actively tried to fully invoke a spirit or god with the assistance of props (herbs, oils, candles, poetry, elements). I never figured I needed to; I always thought that what I wanted, what I needed, I could just reach for.
I want one. I need one. It may be the only way I can do this.
I want to, I need to, invoke them. My characters. Dana, Ian, Kara, Tom, Jeremy. I need to pull them bodily from the deep of my creative subconscious, from whichever alternative world in which they exist, I need to sit and talk with them, I need them to talk to me, I need them to tell me.
Oh, gods, help me, I'm going to lose myself.
I thought it was a strange strain of writer's block. I thought I just had too much in my head, too many scenes fighting to be next; too many outside thoughts scattering the scenes I did conjure. I thought maybe if I sat and meditated, or breathed in scents that promoted clarity, creativity, insight, that I could do this. That I could break the walls. That I could hear them again. It's not that I cannot finish the book, because I know exactly where I must take it, how it must end, what must happen. It's something else. I need to find out what that is. And to do that, I feel I must pull my very soul up to the surface and break apart the pieces that lie bare with names and faces inside descriptive narration and ask them, ask my Self, why I am afraid.
I feel trapped in my head. Some nameless faceless wounded small creature curled in a corner crying from defeat and exhaustion after struggling in vain to escape such a long, dark, deep ravine. I have not felt this since I was ten years old. This is the beginning. I am at the edge, looking down, and it is staring back at me. I can see its teeth when it grins. This is what fear does when it grabs hold and hides so you can't see it, can't catch it when you spin around. This is fear, Fear, Fear, and I know I must fight it, I know I cannot let it control me; but there is something in me that is begging to give up, give in. I have been there before. I was a child then, and I didn't know, didn't understand. Now I do.
This will not be depression. This will be depression.
And I can not, will not, let it take me again. I have too much at stake.
I think I will inform the soulbonding community. They all have their characters in their heads and the characters are with them, too; and many are pagan and Wiccan. They should be able to give me some advice.
I am somewhat wary of posting this in the pagan community. I have encountered so much strife and petty foolisness and adversity. I don't need that. I don't want that. If I ask for advice, I just want an answer to the question "how can I invoke a personal fictional character, how can I invoke a part of myself? what do you guys do, what tools do you use?" Is that such a difficult request to understand?
I'm sorry. I was happy a moment ago. I need to stop thinking about this right now.
(ok, melodrama over. nothing more to see, go home now, thank you)
This isn't good.
I have never performed a full, no-holds-barred, pull out all the stops witch's ritual. I have never actively tried to fully invoke a spirit or god with the assistance of props (herbs, oils, candles, poetry, elements). I never figured I needed to; I always thought that what I wanted, what I needed, I could just reach for.
I want one. I need one. It may be the only way I can do this.
I want to, I need to, invoke them. My characters. Dana, Ian, Kara, Tom, Jeremy. I need to pull them bodily from the deep of my creative subconscious, from whichever alternative world in which they exist, I need to sit and talk with them, I need them to talk to me, I need them to tell me.
Oh, gods, help me, I'm going to lose myself.
I thought it was a strange strain of writer's block. I thought I just had too much in my head, too many scenes fighting to be next; too many outside thoughts scattering the scenes I did conjure. I thought maybe if I sat and meditated, or breathed in scents that promoted clarity, creativity, insight, that I could do this. That I could break the walls. That I could hear them again. It's not that I cannot finish the book, because I know exactly where I must take it, how it must end, what must happen. It's something else. I need to find out what that is. And to do that, I feel I must pull my very soul up to the surface and break apart the pieces that lie bare with names and faces inside descriptive narration and ask them, ask my Self, why I am afraid.
I feel trapped in my head. Some nameless faceless wounded small creature curled in a corner crying from defeat and exhaustion after struggling in vain to escape such a long, dark, deep ravine. I have not felt this since I was ten years old. This is the beginning. I am at the edge, looking down, and it is staring back at me. I can see its teeth when it grins. This is what fear does when it grabs hold and hides so you can't see it, can't catch it when you spin around. This is fear, Fear, Fear, and I know I must fight it, I know I cannot let it control me; but there is something in me that is begging to give up, give in. I have been there before. I was a child then, and I didn't know, didn't understand. Now I do.
This will not be depression. This will be depression.
And I can not, will not, let it take me again. I have too much at stake.
I think I will inform the soulbonding community. They all have their characters in their heads and the characters are with them, too; and many are pagan and Wiccan. They should be able to give me some advice.
I am somewhat wary of posting this in the pagan community. I have encountered so much strife and petty foolisness and adversity. I don't need that. I don't want that. If I ask for advice, I just want an answer to the question "how can I invoke a personal fictional character, how can I invoke a part of myself? what do you guys do, what tools do you use?" Is that such a difficult request to understand?
I'm sorry. I was happy a moment ago. I need to stop thinking about this right now.
(ok, melodrama over. nothing more to see, go home now, thank you)
