Words and meaning
Aug. 3rd, 2004 08:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxGah! So many books to read! I love it. I've got Nora Roberts' "The Donovan Legacy", Storm Constantine's "Wrathu trilogy", Caitlin R. Kiernan's "Silk", and Lord Dunsay's "The Hashish Man". My lunch hours for the next few weeks will be used well. *grin*
I'm feeling better, except for an irritating balance issue. My ears are clogged, off-setting equilibrium, so I'm sort of leaning to the right when I walk. Bah. Whatever this infection is, it's taking its sweet time with my entire body. Good thing I have mostly filing and circulation to work on today. It's so quiet in the library.
I've been experiencing a lovely on-again off-again bout of mild depression for the last two weeks. I confirm this because it's been two weeks and everybody says it takes two weeks to be sure, or something like that. The Strattera is actually keeping my mood elevated, and is finally kicking in at full strength -- it's been about 90 days since I started. But I can still feel that cloud over my brain.
I have a feeling that it's one of the things that's been draining my personal motivation and drive toward the book. I'm scared, I really am. I'm scared I won't finish the book. I'm scared it won't ever be good enough. I must stop thinking like that. It's dragging me down. It's only hurting me. I miss those college days when I got phone calls at midnight from friends who would ramble excitedly, "I had a dream last night about your characters and they were doing this and this! Maybe this or that could happen!" After all, the book was born not just from me, but from my interactions with friends. I wondef if that's one of the problems. I know the book will be finished. I'm not the only one who's seen it or predicted it. The question is, when? Gods, I hate myself some days. Don't we all have those moments. I know, I know, I shouldn't think like that, it will only make things harder and worse. It'll pass. It's just a moment. Little moments like that can change your perceptions, but temporarily. Everything will work out. Always has. Always does. Always will.
I'm trying to become something I know I am not. Why am I bothering? I know who I am already. Am I really so conflicted? Fuck...
I'm feeling better, except for an irritating balance issue. My ears are clogged, off-setting equilibrium, so I'm sort of leaning to the right when I walk. Bah. Whatever this infection is, it's taking its sweet time with my entire body. Good thing I have mostly filing and circulation to work on today. It's so quiet in the library.
I've been experiencing a lovely on-again off-again bout of mild depression for the last two weeks. I confirm this because it's been two weeks and everybody says it takes two weeks to be sure, or something like that. The Strattera is actually keeping my mood elevated, and is finally kicking in at full strength -- it's been about 90 days since I started. But I can still feel that cloud over my brain.
I have a feeling that it's one of the things that's been draining my personal motivation and drive toward the book. I'm scared, I really am. I'm scared I won't finish the book. I'm scared it won't ever be good enough. I must stop thinking like that. It's dragging me down. It's only hurting me. I miss those college days when I got phone calls at midnight from friends who would ramble excitedly, "I had a dream last night about your characters and they were doing this and this! Maybe this or that could happen!" After all, the book was born not just from me, but from my interactions with friends. I wondef if that's one of the problems. I know the book will be finished. I'm not the only one who's seen it or predicted it. The question is, when? Gods, I hate myself some days. Don't we all have those moments. I know, I know, I shouldn't think like that, it will only make things harder and worse. It'll pass. It's just a moment. Little moments like that can change your perceptions, but temporarily. Everything will work out. Always has. Always does. Always will.
I'm trying to become something I know I am not. Why am I bothering? I know who I am already. Am I really so conflicted? Fuck...
