FOOD!

[brightrosefox]

Wow. I believe I devoured at least one dozen Maryland blue crabs. And a pound of shrimp. A friend of Adam's parents works at Costco, and all the employees were having a massive picnic with a few dozen bushels of crabs, and shrimp, and burgers, and hot dogs, and corn, and mac'n cheese. Adam and his dad taught me how to crack open the crabs to get all the meat. It was highly messy fun.
Now I can barely move. I actually have a belly.

I stepped on the scale, with my boots, and it actually read three digits. Then I took off the boots and lost two pounds, so the digits went back down to two. Oh well. At least I know I've gained weight officially -- my face never lies. It's filled out. I'm not too happy about that, however. I still have anorexia-induced nightmares about my face ballooning out of proportion. It was the main thing I got teased about as a kid -- chubby baby fat cheeks -- and the memory cuts so deep that it is very, very hard to get rid of. My biggest freak-outs would be too much weight gain in my face and my belly. I'm still weirdly fantatical about ab crunches and oblique twists. Gods help me if I ever get pregnant!

Adam suggested that my body has finally recovered from starvation mode and put on enough muscle to start burning calories and needing to replace calories -- hence my huge increase in appetite. However, given my genetics and my frame, I have a feeling I don't need to worry about "never being skinny". Still... once an eating disorder victim, always an eating disorder victim. I'm lucky that I pulled myself out of the hole before things got really bad. However, the mental conditioning is still there. I can look in the mirror naked and see a beautiful, thin but curvy body, but at the same time I can still wonder if I'm getting too big. It's not going to stop just because I feel healthy.

I should probably join an eating disorder community just to have people to talk with, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not quite ready to listen to other survivors talk about their battles. One day, soon. I'm actually really grateful for the friends I have now, of all sizes, who know what it's like at any point of the spectrum.

Ugh... I'm poking and patting my cheeks now, my still-hard stomach, feeling that unfamiliar flesh covering the hard-trained muscles. My cheekbones are still sharp, but now there is... skin. Fullness. I haven't felt that in almost five years. There is s glow about my skin. Health? I don't know. My eyes are so bright. I wish I could be ecstatic.

Comments

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

i am proud of you for facing your tremors head-on instead of hiding from them. post-meals are sometimes bad for me, too. a large part of why i joined the gym--i had slipped back into self-loathing and nastiness because i felt oogy. unfortunate. but it is, indeed, a lifelong battle, and it isn't easy. you are doing very well.
try a simple excersise before you go to sleep: stand in front of the mirror and really *look* at yourself. then list five things you like and are happy with. anything from your eyes to your feet, and if your eyes find something that makes your brain scream "BAD!" tell it to shut the fuck up and go on. stupid, i know, but it really does help.
and, to be totally blunt-hard honest, you look better when you have some fill in your face. i can almost promise that even if you put on weight, you will never again have those chubby cheeks. age and time have changed your features. but when your face looks cadaverous, as i have seen it look, it's...scary. you're beautiful, you know that, but you look better when you don't look like you are about to topple into the nether realm at any second.
i still advise seeking out a nutritionist, either in an online forum or IRL. i think that having someone professional to discuss what you eat and how much you weight etc etc with would be very helpful, without having to deal with that "seeing a shrink" thing (which i do, but no, i haven't gotten around to discussing the "hating my body so much that i cry and cry and cry" thing yet).
some days are better than others and will always be. it isn't like one day you'll wake up and go "yeah, used to be anorexic, better now. what's for breakfast?" i think it's very very good that you know that.
btw, adam is probably right about the lean muscle bit. it's tricky though--you have to make sure to eat enough or else the muscle will start to cannibalize. but having a solid muscle base means your weight will probably never fluctuate more than 5 lbs, even when you get older.
i love you. i'm proud of you. i'm here for you, whenever you need me.
but you already know that.
*hugs*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

I am SO very glad I have you in my life. You put things in perspective. You say things I need to hear.

A lot of these things I didn't know: Eating enough to "feed" the muscle so it burns more. Seeking out a nutritionist anyway. That exercise suggestion. I will do these things. For myself. To let myself know I am doing better.

And thank you for telling me I look better with a rounder face. It reinforces the knowledge that death-skinny is not okay.

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

*grin*
yeah lean muscle is funny like that. it's why people who are very very active have to eat like 5 times as much as i do. otherwise their own bodies will undo their work. plus, as muscle burns more calories (pound for pound) than fat or bone or what have you, a noticeable increase in food may be needed to keep your body from flipping into starvation mode, making weight go all wacky (it has been more than once on my message boards that someone will say "i work out 5 times a week and i only lost a pound, why?" and the answer is always: "you're not eating enough".)
and yeah, i think you look WAY better when you aren't...skeletal.as does everyone i know who knows you. for what it's worth.
*sends good day thoughts*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Nature and biology -- very weird. Depending on how physically active you are, lots of food will either cause weight loss or weight gain -- or maintenance. Makes me wonder why so many Americans are "apparently obese" when all everyone does is run around like frantic chickens...
Then again, I think that whole "body fat index" and measurment system is seriously fucked up.
Genetics has a lot to do with it. Genetics and keeping active and actually using the muscles and eating healthy. People really have forgotten. Wow. Blows my mind some days.

I feel better. Still very unsure of this new "filled-out" figure. But starting to like it. Makes me happy to know that others do too. Confidence boost.

[xnoregretzx.livejournal.com]

You're a very inspiring person. *hugs*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I am? Thank you; that is good to know. I think you are, too.

Yay, inspiration!

[xnoregretzx.livejournal.com]

btw, when I was pregnant, I did crunches and hard workouts until I was 6 months along. these things are good for pregnancy. everyone seems to think you have to be so gentle when you're with child. a woman's body is meant to take a lot through pregnancy. It's just when you get big and you lay on your back and can't sit up you have to stop :)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Last night, I was actually thinking about you and Colby and what you must have gone through with the pregnancy, the birth, raising him, feeding him... incredibly admirable, really. I'm 25 and can't imagine doing that!

My biological clock may be ticking, but right now all my maternal instinct is for my kitten. She's like a preview of what Adam and I will have to face (dear gods, save us). ;b

I know how powerfully strong a pregnant woman can be. That's why I always smile when I see them working out, walking briskly, knowing that they're doing something good for themselves and the potential human they're carrying. My personal view, being pro-choice is that a fetus depends on the mother until birth and life on its own, but until then, it's still dependant on and benefiting from everything the mother does. I read your post about your meds, worrying about passing it on to Colby. My heart almost broke. Sure, he's past the point where he absolutely needs your milk, but then, I was breast-fed for two years (I was also 3 months premature!) and I'm super healthy now. I hope there's a way you can fix everything. I know there is. Talk to me if you need to.

[xnoregretzx.livejournal.com]

The worst thing about being pregnant was the strain from society. Some people looked at me like, oh, she'll be on welfair and not be able to raise her child, Some were inspired. One time a woman actually came up to me, asked my age, and when told, gave me a NASTY speech about how I should have killed him. Women have a choice, but I think a baby is alive right from the SECOND of conception. It has some kind of soul and now the government says that at 13 weeks it becomes real, but riddle me this... at 7 weeks now they can tell whether it will be right or left handed. Alive? Yes. anywho, a woman's choice, that should not be taken away from her. I'm ranting. Pregnancy was the most challenging, heartfelt, endearing, eye-opening inspiring, and trying thing I have ever had to do. it has tore my body to pieces, from breasts to tummy. hehe. stretch marks and all, but in the end, every moment I have with him is worth it. You never know the full capacity of love until you have loved a child. Ok, done going on about that.

and honey, you've got at least 10 years before it's not politically correct for you to carry a child. (they say at 35, the risks are increased for down syndrome) but that's if you believe it. I have read lots and lots of studies about taking anxiety medication while breast feeding, some babies showed side effects, some did not. I really think I would rather be able to function as a normal person and be happy for my child then breast feed him. I mean, in comparison, formula is junk. but lots of babies have been raised on formula. Colby was 4 days over due. He was 7lbs. 7oz. and is a hefty, super sized, 19 now. :-D
I have really done my best. but I think I will look into alternative methods of dealing with anxiety. I am on vitamins that are *supposed* to help. when I feel anxious, I burn some jasmine, or spray some lavender. I associate these smells with calmness, along with cinnamon. and I have found that helps alot. when you can smell something, and it calms you. it triggers something in the brain. I should get back into yoga. I did it while I was pregnant. I lost all but 4 lbs. after I had colby. and in the past month, I have gained about 10 lbs. It's because I don't have time to exercise and do the things I used to, pre baby. The fast and sometimes only way to eat is to throw something in the micro wave and I am now seeing the results of that. I am changing my diet, keeping dry fruit, nuts, and raw vegetables, prepared and bagged in the fridge. So when I need to eat fast, those are available. I think once I change my diet, and work with oils, and incense more, I will find a way that works fast to deal with my anxiety. without putting something into my body. but we will see how things go in the next couple weeks, I talked it over with my dr. and she prescribed me more prenatal vitamins, and some extra super duper veeta-vita-vegamin-regimens. hehe I'm working on meditation, and smells, so I'll let you know how it goes. thanks so much for the support darling. *hugs*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

That's so awesome. I am so proud of you!

Heh. Yeah. There are so many terrible arguments over fetal life and such. My mom knew exactly when she conceived me and that I'd be a girl. I'm still a little iffy on life starting at conception, but I'm warming up to it. It IS life to me, but part of a larger organism (the mother) until its born and breathing. Eh. We'll save the debates for another time. ;)

You're doing fantastically so far. I was gonna suggest all the things you've been doing anyway.
I wanted to suggest a B-vitamin called Inositol and an herbal supplement called Passion Flower. Both are immensely helpful with my anxiety. I can find out about how they affect breast milk. I'm sure they're safe, though.

I also take this fantastic Ayurvedic supplement called Triphala; it's a special kind of body detoxifier made up of three Indian fruits, that "mothers" all your insides and gives you vitamins and nourishment while cleaning out toxins and such. I'm going to ask my herbalist friend if it's safe for nursing mothers and for small infants. I'm wondering if it might help you -- and Colby -- with any physical stress and illness in the future.

[xnoregretzx.livejournal.com]

thanks, hun.
any info would be great.
keep smiling and take care!