It still hurts

[brightrosefox]

I am grateful that the rain did not make my head explode.
I am grateful that Adam so quickly loved and reassured me when I came home, comforted me and made me feel like everything was okay.
I am grateful for the phone conversation with my mother, how it revealed things that hurt but need to be understood.
I am grateful that the disability and all its repercussions are mild enough to be highly treatable, as the real truth of what cerebral palsy can do terrifies me beyond measure.
I am grateful that I have finally let myself break through so my mother and I can talk about what could have been done, what should have been done, what might have made my life different maybe better, if we had known the truth.

I wasted my childhood, didn't I?
It can't be changed, so I move on.
Memories are so hard to drown, aren't they? We try. We always try.
I did this to myself.
I almost destroyed who I was supposed to be.
Why did I do that? How could I do that? Why did it take so long before the shell cracked?
If we all have a purpose, a destiny, what was the point of those first twenty years of my life? I should tell myself not to blame myself, shouldn't I.
My life now is what I have always wanted. I have the people I have always wanted. Things are exactly as I have dreamed.
So, I have to let go. I have to say goodbye to those years, right? What can they do for me now? I've already learned those lessons? I already know what my parents and I should have done. We thought it was too mild to really bother taking care of. We didn't pay attention. We didn't think things could veer off and turn bad. We didn't see the future because we didn't know what cerebral palsy meant for the rest of a person's life. I wasn't severe, so I didn't need all that treatment.
I needed something. We just didn't know what.
And I think I will regret that for the rest of my life.

I don't want my mother to blame herself. I don't want to hear the pain and guilt and shock and regret in her voice. I wish neither of us had to hurt because of what we didn't know.

I do blame myself for choosing that life, but I guess I had a reason, and I can't dwell on it, I can't ever think I was not a strong, amazing person despite locking myself behind steel walls for years and years.

You know what I mean.

And now she -- the self who was then -- is the one who has been repressed. It feels... like joy. This is probably what it feels like to be a butterfly.

I am strong. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible. From now on, I always will be.

I have to remember that the past can't be changed. I have to keep going. I have a new life, and I have to live it. Things can get better, because now I know.

That makes it hurt less.

No. That makes it not hurt at all, really. Because what I feel inside is nothing but pure love. For myself. Oh, gods, for myself. She is the past. She is my memory. I thank her for that, the Joanna of the past, thank her and curse her. I still love her. But I no longer bind myself to her.

This time, I will fly without a broken wing...


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Comments

[my-piece-of-sky.livejournal.com]

i think the thing that you (me, all of us...) always need to remember is that there is still time. a lot of it, in fact. yes, 25 years seems like a long time, esp. since it's, well, you're whole life, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not that long. you have so much left to live that to dwell on the past, on things that you cannot change, is rather pointless. yes, there will be regrets, yes, you should reflect on it, but with an eye towards tomorrow rather than yesterday.

:)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. Trust me, I feel better. I just needed to get all that out. My point was to look forward and not keep slipping back. Everyone has to eventually. :)

[my-piece-of-sky.livejournal.com]

*nod* i hear ya, and i know, it's hard sometimes...

[amantebruja.livejournal.com]

You seem like such a strong person and I really don't know you that well but to me, you're an inspiration. Maybe that is what the first twenty years of your life were for. To go through challenges and darkness so you could come out of the other side in a new light.

Just a thought

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

*smiles* That's a lovely statement. Thank you so much. You've no idea how deeply that just touched me. :)