This shouldn't bother me this much

[brightrosefox]

Thanks to my forgetting to pay my cell phone bill, I missed two attempted calls from Adam that could have had me back on the Metro, going to Bethesda, and meeting him, Danny and Jason at their favorite Bethesda bar/restaurant. I haven't seen Danny since the New York weekend, and I haven't seen Jason since... who knows. And they wanted me there. They were disappointed that I wasn't there.
And I have this stupid anxiety complex where I get very irrationally worked up when I discover that I was invited to a social situation and missed the opportunity. When I called Adam at eighty-thirty from home and found out that he was in Bethesda, I could have walked the half-hour to the Shady Grove Metro and gone to Bethesda and then walked to Tel Aviv -- yes, in the dark, in the cold, in the rain, which would have beeb stupid considering I'd probably get sick -- but when I get like this I feel like kicking myself and throwing myself against a wall and I know I shouldn't because for gods sakes it's just one night and yes I missed it but there will be others and it's not like I won't see the boys again some other time, but it's just this time and I missed it and I wish I wasn't so pissed about it.
I guess it comes from my being alone and outcast in high school, of course, never belonging anywhere. And now I belong, I have people who like me -- who love me, who honestly enjoy my company and ask for me by name. And yes, I guess it does matter to me that I didn't get the chance to have that tonight. I wish I hadn't called Adam. Ironic thing is, while I was waiting for the bus at six, I kept getting an urge to call him, brain itching, call Adam, call Adam... not realizing that my phone probably wasn't working. I really should never ignore my intuition.
I need to stop itching along my spine, wanting so badly to run out to Bethesda anyway. In the cold. In the rain. In the dark.
Adam has off from work tomorrow and the next day, because he will be sent out to Chicago all next week. Which means I'll want to spend as much time as I can with him till then. And besides, I dearly miss Danny and even Jason.
So Adam will probably be out most of the night tonight. Then again, Danny will at least have to work tomorrow, and Danny works with Adam, so Adam may be home sooner than I expect.
I still want to kick myself.
It's not my fault. I didn't know. There will be other nights. I can meet them there after work another day.
But it was today.
Why do I feel worthless? I know I'm not. I must stop thinking like this. Stupid. I am not the girl I was in those lonely days. They love me now. It's okay if I'm not there now because I will be there later.
Feel happy, damn you stupid girl.

I'm okay. I promise. I just need to get it out of my system. I'll sleep and it will be all better. See? I'm fine.

It's just hard to go to bed and fall asleep unless he's here.
But I did it for a long time, and I still do it.
I just wish...
Never fucking mind.
I'm being a stupid girl again. Forget it.

Comments

[dragonf1re.livejournal.com]

I get like that, too. I think I have the same complex. If I miss an opportunity, I get very upset, just because it was that one thing I could've been involved in.

I thought it was just me. :/

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Nope. We should form a club.
But then it'd wreak havoc if we missed meetings. ;p
*wince*

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

count me in, too.
i'm edging past the point where it's pathological and into the realm of "i can handle it".
but just barely.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

You mean that bizarre strain of "separation anxiety" that pops up whenever we realize that we could've been somewhere had it not been for some stupid thing that should have been fixed?

Thank gods for being able to look rationally on the bright side.

[odilla.livejournal.com]

I have no problem with the looking rationally part of things.. it's the whole believing them when it partains to me that I have the problem.
My therepist says I'm really good at knowing people's motives, and why people do the things they do, (and thinks I should become a therepist), and that includes myself.. it's the whole head and heart thing that becomes the problem.

Bright sides are good. :-)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

There can be a big difference between what your heart knows and what your brain knows. Adam says it's like the presidential election. Kerry appeals to the emotional side, Bush appeals to the thinking side, in his opinion. He says that feeling and caring and wanting are all well and good, but sometimes you must forego all that to do what is logically the best thing. Will the heart win, or the head?

But politics aside, it really is all about what's right for the moment. If I had given in to my heart's desperate wants, I would have run out there in the cold dark rain and been very stupid. My head kept telling me that there would be other days, that my boys would always love and want me.
And there are times when my brain says something and my heart says another, and the heart was the way to go -- like when our kitten was causing so much trouble for a while. My head was saying, maybe we should give her up for adoption if she can't calm down. My heart was saying, give her a chance, she's just a baby, give her a chance.
We still have her, and she's a light in our lives.

[odilla.livejournal.com]

oh oh, me too, me too.
I hate missing things, and things that people want me to be at, makes it even worse. Still trying to get over the fact that people want "me" to be there, over someone else. It's kinda cool, kinda scary..
But, I know what you mean.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

I'm glad we're not alone. :)