cry a river

[brightrosefox]

I tend to make up conversations in my head--usually debates with friends. This is why I never argue with people. Because I already know how it's going to go, and that I'm going to lose. I can play out exactly what they say and how they respond to my statements.
I was doing this earlier after lunch. I came to some very powerful, scary conclusions.
How do you conquer fear? Easy; you start by facing that fear. But I've already faced it. I've stared it down, I've attacked it, I've screamed at it, I've slammed the door in its face, I've finally declared war. But it is a strong thing, a stalwart soldier who has won millions of battles with other young women and takes pride every time we watch models strut down the runway and then curl up in a corner staring at a gallon of ice cream. It has gripped me by the throat--quite literally sometimes--and forced itself into me whether I wanted it or not. There are two parts of me. The part that knows it, struggles to fight it, is desparate to kill it. And there's the part that can't help but succumb, because it has become like a disease.
"It's all in the mind." Well, of course it is. It is the most powerful psychological disease in the world. It is one of the biggest killers society has ever known. And I have to come to terms with some very harsh truths.

Like the fact that I am dying.

It's a slow, unintentional suicide. I think I'm getting better. I'm doing well. It's going away. Everything is fine. And then the fear comes back. It laughs and makes me dance with it on the edge of a cliff. It slaps me in the face and yells at me like a drill seargent. I don't know how to fight fear. I've tried everything. It's the fear I have to beat, not the problem it has caused. I have to get to the root of it all. And I don't think I can talk to the one person who it would most affect, because I don't know what he could say. Honestly, I don't think I can really talk to any of my friends because they'd just give me all the answers I've contemplated myself and it won't help at all because it'll just be the same thing over and over. So would a professional. I love all my friends, but I don't know what they'd be able to do. But I also can't fight this on my own.

I don't want to die. I don't know what to do.

I'm so afraid of death, yet I'm pushing myself on a very narrow course right to it.

Paraphrasing a message on someone's outgoing voicemail: "Going down for the last time. Love you all." I am not going to do that. I am not going to be that.

But I'm afraid. I can feel my body slipping away. I can't keep fighting like this. I don't want my friends to build my coffin. What do I do?

Comments

well then

[officeninja.livejournal.com]

so you feel like your dying - guess what you are - every minute of the day and with every breath you take your closer to death - my advice get over it - no matter whatyou do death is a fact you have to live with - its as much a part of life as being alive - thats the point all living things die period the end -- truely accept that fact and then you can get on with life - if you spend your time afraid of dying then you don't really spend much time actually living do you? NO - so you don't want to die you know what i don't either but its gonna happen - i would much rather not worry about something i can't escape and focus on all the kickass stuff this irritating thing called existance has to offer and whatnot - we don't always get what we want - see people in hell want icewater but i doubt vey much they will get a drop - but they certinally can throw a kickass BBQ with all that flame (burgers, hot dogs, steak, pork - yummy) its pointless and stupid to worry about death because all it does it distract you and weaken you - as a great man once said with a slap to the head "knock that shit off" as for not arguing w/people -- try it sometime most are dumber than you would think and things won't always go the way you think they will - besides its fun to irritate people just by being confrontational - i have spent many an hour just dreamin up ways to bother others -- mom always told me to do what i am good at and i am quite good at being a bastard.

-- to sum up -- fear not that which you cannot control, enjoy the time you have while you have it, most people are stupid, the universe is full of surprises, don't give in without a fight and above all else - BEING A BASTARD WORKS