Revelations...and sob-worthy relief at last...all friends read and rejoice

[brightrosefox]

Anybody know how long it would take to gain ten to twelve pounds? I found out a very highly disturbing fact over the weekend: I now weigh 86 pounds. I did not mean to lose weight; I never wanted to. I'm actually really hoping it's just water weight considering that summer has come roaring in. Now I'm getting worried and a little frightened. The last time I weighed 86 was when I was ten years old and an inch shorter. I feel fine; except for this unnerving sensation of not only light-headedness, but light-bodyness. Like I am literally about to lift up out of my chair and float away. It would be a fascinating sensation if it didn't concern me so much.

I don't feel like I'm dying. I've been eating as much as I can. Unfortunately, Adam recently brought up his observation that I haven't been. I'm worried that this has gotten to the point where I'm not even aware of what I'm doing, and that I'm tricking myself into believing that I'm getting enough calories. That's bad.
It's not the Strattera. I know that this drug tends to supress the appetite a little, but if anything I've been hungrier, because I'm able to focus more and it makes me focus on specific food cravings. I spent two weeks lusting after Papa John's thin crust cheese pizza with garlic-butter sauce; after a while I found myself just ripping off the crusts, eating the pizza separately, and dipping the crusts in the sauce. Turned out what I really craved was the sauce. So I think I'm just going to order the cheesy bread with sauce until the craving goes away. I've also been craving raw vegetables and fruits, especially cucumbers, carrots, string beans, grapes, blueberries and strawberries. And cheddar Triscuits. And green olives. And--of course--chocolate Ensure/liquid supplements. And plain pasta with olive oil. And Nutella hazelnut peanut butter. So it's not that I don't want food. I desperately want, and now need, food. However, one thing the Strattera does do is raise my heart rate, sometimes to over 110 beats per minute. It'll take a couple of hours for my pulse to go down, with a little help from inositol supplements and breathing techniques. But I already have the metabolism of a hummingbird. This is why I have never been able to put much weight on in the first place.

I also came to another realization: Part of my eating disorder stems from the unfortunate fact that I have emitophobia, the fear of vomiting. And yes, it is a phobia. I will go to extreme lengths to avoid throwing up, whether it be from bad food or illness. I would rather not eat at all then puke up bad food. Remember, that's how it all started. I also seem to hate having diarrhea. I buy Imodium at the first sign of it. This is probably why I'll never become a true eating disorder case--bulimics vomit and anorexics use laxatives. I can't stand either.
What I will have to do is force myself to accept the fact that if my body wants to reject something in my stomach, it will whether I like it or not. And that I will ultimately feel better once the yuck is out of my system. It's the body's way of purging; I should feel glad when it happens. I think it's because of social embarrasment; nobody likes to hear, see, or smell it.

Now that I've begun to uncover the roots of the problem, I can finally come to terms with it, and I think that is the best thing that has happened to me in four years. Yes, this has now been offically going on for four years. I am competely aware of my problem and the dangers it poses to my body, my health, and my mental state. I am completely aware that I need to fight it and destroy it, and I know exactly what I need to do in order to win that fight. I'm smiling tearfully as I write this, because I can tell that something's changing inside me. Something's coming to an end. Who knows; maybe this prescription really has boosted my confidence and self-awareness. With no internal voices to chastise me, maybe I'm finally understanding that it is okay to be me. I let Adam dye my hair vampire bloody red and have been getting constant compliments at work, and that makes me feel so good. I posed naked for him while he lovingly snapped picture after picture, and he keeps staring at my new hair with sparkling eyes, and it makes me feel so beautiful. Over the weekend, we drove through a few back roads at night with all these narrow twists and turns, and not once did I feel terror or even nausea. I didn't even close my eyes to avoid watching the trees fly past in dark scary blurs. I felt ... looser. Something is changing.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Thank you.

Comments

[madbane.livejournal.com]

dietary suggestion.

Pasta, Lots of it eat big bowls of pasta and meat sauce twice a day for a week or two. you'll put on some weight since it's all carbos and protein. If you don't like it, my suggestion is to fight through it or, keep a scale next to the table to remind you that you're getting too thin. We need you healthy hun. A sick and/or dead Siren is a bad thing.

-Bane

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

That's just fine, because I LOVE pasta with meat sauce. Twice a day for two weeks? Done. CVS has those little bowls of Chef Boyardi Beefaroni, 200 calories each for under a buck. I can eat three for lunch, three when I come home, and have an Ensure Plus with each meal. Not to mention breakfast and a light dinner. And thank you for caring. You're a sweetheart.