I, Me, My.

[brightrosefox]

I found a stretchy tape measure. I measured myself. 33-22-33. I wondered when my waist shrunk an inch. Oh, yes, all that running around, stairclimbing, isometrics, stretching.
After looking in the mirror, I let my gaze fall on the mini-fridge, on the photograph under the magnet -- the one taken by my father two Thanksgivings ago, of me with Adam and James and Beca in my parents' front yard in Sag Harbor. I saw them all tall, strongly built. And me: Pixie thing. Tiny thing. Little One. Tiny, tiny, tiny; when did I get so small? Was I always that godsdamn small? Yes I was.
I could have been taller. Only a couple of inches, but what a difference. Did the cerebral palsy do that? They say cerebral palsy. even mild spastic ataxic hemiplegia, causes "failure to thrive" for some babies. Hah.
Genetically small. My mother is five-two, my father is five-six. But I might have been my mom's height. Maybe.
I stopped growing at puberty. I was eleven.
I was always this little.
Can I say it?
I hate it.
I like being thin. I like having slim muscle tone that could compare with Halle Berry or Jada Pinkett-Smith. But... I'm smaller than almost everyone I know, it shows no matter what. My gods, people must feel like giants next to me. Must feel so fucking awkward and huge. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish I at least was taller. I wouldn't look so... hidden?
I'd joined an lj community called petitepower a while ago. In it, there are women smaller than me. And they embrace and appreciate their bodies. I'd like to be able to do that. To not care. To stand as tall as I can with my inch under five feet, ninety-something pounds, little bit of mass, small curves; and smile proudly and not care how small I look.
Women would kill for this. Women die for this. Women kill themselves for it. I tried to die for this, what I already had, what I almost lost, but I did not know it at the time. Anorexia without the fear of fat, until later. Fear of bad food at first. Fear of fat came later. Psychological disease. Why? Why? Stupid. I was disappearing. I could still. Tiny.
I shouldn't complain, then.

Okay, I'm done.
Just a thought. Just a random, random thing. Whoops. I know, I know. You're tiny. Get over it.
Back to reading my book and watching Battlestar Galactica.

Anyone else feel weird like that at random moments? Not about that specifically, but in general? Knowing you've got something good about you and trying to figure out why, and what's so great about it, and if it really is that good?

Comments

[xemcats.livejournal.com]

I feel that way about being intelligent, or at least what's considered "intelligent." I have a hard time even vocalizing the idea that I may be smart, because it feels...I don't know...inauthentic and conceited? I enjoy having the ability to Understand (with a capital "U"), but I realize that it's not really of my doing...it's just the way I was built. And if that's the case, should I feel glad for such a thing, when there are others who weren't given this ability? I don't know...it's weird to even talk about, because I don't want to come off, as I said, as conceited and inauthentic.

P.S. I added you a couple weeks ago. =o) I'm the mod from naturalliving and I've been reading your posts over there from the beginning when the community was created! I always remember you keeping things flowing and coming up with ideas to post way back when my comm was a baby. Anyway, 'tis all.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the input. Well appreciated. I feel that way about my intelligence too, mainly my ability to read and write so well.

Oh, thanks! That's awesome. Yours has always been my favorite community. I'm sorry if I tend to post so much, but I always get so many good replies.

[joe-fisher.livejournal.com]

I do that myself almost every moment of everyday. I live in a swiring cloud of constant self justification. As soon as I began developing independant thoughts I've sought to analyze everything around me, how it affects me and whether or not that is a good thing, and so here I am now, Wondering just how much ignorance I should let in, because as i get older the cloud gets THICKER, pretty soon I wont be able to see at all.

:)

I loved your post, 4'11 isnt that short! I know several women, bright, inteligent, Beautiful women who are inches shorter then that! Lara my companion is only 5'4. Think of some of the interesting advantages that may bring, hehe (naughty thought) it probably opens doors of sexuality that many wish they could also! And hey, you can sneak around and take the cookies while no one notices! I wish I could do that!
:)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

*grins* Okay, so there are a few advantages I have in that department. And I actually can sneak up behind people and grab stuff. I even do it right in front of them. Once when a bunch of us were walking in Manhattan, I was walking very closely behind a guy who was six-five, and he actually got a little freaked out because he had no idea I was there. He said I'd make a great vampire. Heh.

[fyremoon.livejournal.com]

I'm tall, at 6'3" but still invisible to most people. There are problems with being tall, you get more back problems than shorter people, its a long way to the ground, and physically you have the same amount of cranial spinal fluid as everyone else, but its more distributed.

Just like your parents, my parents are the same height, right down to the inch. My sisters are around 5'2", so you aren't really that much smaller than they are.

I wouldn't have noticed that you were tiny, you have such a huge personality, so many great achievements in life such as a loving husband, your own house and all the skills and experience I look forward to reading about in your journal, and you are so good at writing stories.

Its something about the internet, you can be whatever you want to be, your physical height, weight, looks, etc are invisible, replaced by your personality.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you, that's a great compliment. I look forward to acheiving all those skills and experiences. I don't want disappoint you or anyone else who believes in me.

Yes, you're right. That's why the Internet is so wonderful for a lot of people. It's funny; when Adam and I started "dating" over the phone, he didn't realize just how shy and reserved I was, because I let my personality come roaring out over the phone and email. It's something about meeting people in person that chokes me up.

[hopeisadelusion.livejournal.com]

I'm 4'10", but I met you in petitepower... There have been many, many, many times when I absolutely hated my height. I'm a tad bit curvier than you are- 36-25-36, and that's what really bothers me. If I was taller my thighs wouldn't look so damn big. Certain people make me feel much, much better about it, though.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Those are perfect curves. See, if you and I were at least six inches taller, our curves would be so well distributed! Every woman would be murderously jealous and all the men would drool. ;)
My husband calls me a mini Barbie doll. You sound like one, to actually,

[hopeisadelusion.livejournal.com]

6 inches taller would be pretty nice... but I'll have to stick with my 4-5" heels. And who's to say the men don't already drool? ;)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

LOL... precisely. But they'd just need mops and buckets then. ;)

[isegrim.livejournal.com]

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I just unfriended you - so in case you want to unfriend me back... go ahead. No offense meant, I just deleted a bunch of communities I don't really read as well as a few people I don't feel that close to because I don't have much time for online stuff these days. I only go online every other day and I always have to skip back 200 entries or more, half of which I don't even read and the rest I just scan. And unfriending people for no obvious reason made me feel kinda bad so I just thought I'd tell you :)

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, not a problem. I'm not offended. I've been thinking about doing the same. I have the same problem with my friends and communities list. I can view the filter, but I'd still need to scroll back pages and pages. So, it's all good! You don't mind my "spring cleaning" you from my list either, do you? It's for the same reasons. :)

[isegrim.livejournal.com]

No, I don't mind that at all :) Bye then!

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Good knowing you. Have the best life you can live. :)