The Return To Innocence

Comments on an article about "bone broth" becoming a hipster trend:

"Congratulations, hip white trendoids with a penchant for fad diets and nutritional woo: you have discovered soup. Well done."
"Isn't that what "stock" is? Like beef stock, chicken stock... You know boiled animal parts you season and make soup with?"
"Yes, but we can't call it that, or the white hipsters can't Columbus it."
"But the real question is "what did they think soup was made of before this?"
"Everything delicious will be discovered and given magical toxin-curing properties, and then will be priced out of range of the people who actually normally eat it."
"I really can't with this nonsense. One would think with the whole "slow food" aspect of hipster eating trends that they MIGHT ACTUALLY BOTHER TO LEARN WHAT FLAVORS THEIR FOOD"
"Bwahahahahaha. Bone broth."
"Yes, because "soup bones" didn't exist as a term or a thing before now."
"The best thing I ever saw from a bone broth aficionado/hipster-in-all-manners-of-food-fads was a post on Facebook with a picture of her bone broth saying, "I know this is going to cure the flu I came down with this week! If you get the flu, try bone broth!" I was like, "Oh, how novel! Except this sounds like the advice my grandmother gave me 30 years ago to try some homemade chicken soup (with broth made from, you know, chicken carcass) when I was sick. NOVEL AS HELL."
"Columbusing has gone so far, white people are starting to Columbus WHITE THINGS."

So, anyway. Thanksgiving vacation went very well. It was sweet and quiet and seeing my parents is always always always wonderful. I was worried Mom and I might have Discussions about my health, but all was well. Adam got a rental car from his boss in exchange for working an AV job in Manhattan while our car was at a mechanic's. So, on Saturday, Adam and I drove to New York City. He worked in Times Square to set up AV/IT stuff for a medical conference in a hotel while I lounged in our separate hotel a few blocks away, working up the courage to walk all the way to 5th Ave and back. I passed Rockerfeller Center, I found stimming toys in "I Love NYC" shops, Adam bought me a bottle of my favorite perfume, Euphoria by Calvin Klein. We ate pizza, fried ramen, caprese sandwiches. I had coffee at one of the best coffeehouses I'd ever been to. On Tuesday, Adam's job ended and we drove back to Maryland. Adam's car was still in the shop in Virginia near his workplace, and it was two more days before he got it back. It had stopped running originally. It's fine now, but we were told to start looking at new used cars over the next few months to a year. The station wagon is a 1999, after all, and Ford may not have parts anymore.

I haven't been feeling well in general. But I have stuff that makes me happy.

This may be the first time I've ever said this, but I am grateful for who and what I am and what I can do and my own potential.

I am grateful for my husband, Adam Paul, whom I have loved for thirteen years and still feel that giddy joy that comes from falling in love deeply until the neurochemicals and hormones inside me explode into insanity. I am grateful that he is such a mensch - that he is almost a polymath in certain ways, that he knows so much and does so much and is so much. I believe I struck the lover lottery with him. Seven and a half years of marriage still feels like a honeymoon.

I am grateful for the friends that are still with me, who still love and adore me, who like me for myself, who respect what I am unconditionally. I really do love you all so much that it brings me to tears just to think about you; it doesn't matter if I know you in person or I know you online only, I love all of you intensely.

I am grateful for the medical assistance I have been receiving since being placed on SSDI. Somehow, I have fallen in with a team of doctors and specialists who are so compassionate, willing, kind, sweet, and intelligent that it also brings me to tears.

I am grateful for my parents, who have supported me and loved me and shaped me and have set wonderful examples of love and talent and creativity and joy. I am grateful that I was raised by an atheist mother and agnostic/semi-pantheist father who enjoyed teaching me about various mythologies and religions to allow me to choose my own path. I am grateful for their intense, amazing love for each other, and their combined ability to do whatever needs to be done to help me become myself.

I am grateful for knowing firmly that I am a polytheist, polyagnostic, pantheist, eclectic, humanistic pagan witch who is fully open to the understanding that I could be wrong or delusional.
I am grateful for being able to access the skepticism that lets me step back and view things from so many perspectives.
I am grateful for quantum physics and theoretical physics, which I consider to be occasionally mixed in with supernatural and paranormal magical practice. I am grateful to be a magic practitioner who loves to hear dissenting ideas and theories that enrich me and expand my brain.
I am grateful for my Quantum Psychic Consciousness, which is my Higher Brain mixed with my Subconscious Mind, which is always in touch with all sorts of things that can never be measured, understood, known, seen, or felt by simple human experience.
I am grateful for the universe, for being made of stars, for things that we as humans may never be able to understand even as they insist on a lack of proof and existence. I am grateful for the unseen beyond the veil, no matter how real or unreal it is.

I am grateful for my powers of writing, specifically my ability to write urban fantasy and future fantasy and supernatural or paranormal fantasy. I still want telekinesis, but I will settle for writing characters who have telekinesis.

I am grateful for my ability to take life in stride, even if I often don't get the joke. I have learned to not take everything personally, to become a rock in a river, to become a river over rocks, to move without fear of ridicule anymore.

I am grateful for my knowledge of skin and body medicine, so I can happily reply to my friends when they ask for advice. I am grateful for concealers and makeup, which I will always use because they enhance the palette of my face, even if somehow my skin becomes smooth and flawless.

I am grateful for who I am and what I know and everyone who loves me. Thank you.

I have a new dress. It is a real dress. It is a strapless red nearly ankle length dress with a black ribbon around the waist and black trim around the bust. The bodice fits snugly. The skirt is flowing and loose enough to spin in. It is a shiny material. It is a shiny dress. I have a lacy little cotton jacket to conceal bra straps and to feel more comfortable and less shy.
I feel weird in a dress
like this. It is fine for weddings and parties and things. But it stuns me. It confuses me. It startles me. Thank gods for the black jacket shawl thing that comes to my waist. I have opaque black tights, black socks slouched because I need foot padding, and fancy black ankle boots and my shiny black butterfly cane (because fuck you I'm disabled). But I am fascinated by this dress.
No one who sees this dress would ever think I would wear it. I will have dark satiny red lipstick and shimmery black eyeliner and I will try to blend into the background because I am still too shy at gatherings and this dress waves hello.
I will eventually need another dress. One that is not so "Holy shit, is that Joanna? Whoa." A dress in purple or blue, hopefully. Maybe a Grecian style that helps accentuate my curves without making the curves stand out too much.
Oh my gods, I want dresses. Me. The girl who wrinkles her nose at dresses. Pretty dresses. Fancy dresses. Semi-formal dresses. I feel weird.

Applying red nail polish with extremely shaky, spastic hands is fascinating. My fingers look covered in blood and wine and liquid rubies. It's kind of awesome.

Packing for vacation always feels weird and funny. I'm too used to being at home, with the cats and my books and my comfort zone. However, amazingly enough, there is no anxiety, no nervous feeling, no worry, not like all the other times since 2001. Klonopin and Zoloft are good.
I will wear my pretty red dress with the long black shrug and I will be at my cousin in law's wedding and try to not be noticed, and then we will go to Sag Harbor and I will be surrounded by pure comfort and silence at night and the beach and the pier and a quiet quiet village and my parents.
Still, vacations make me feel twitchy and I really still don't know why beyond comfort zone issues. We don't need to leave until Friday morning, so I will have all of tomorrow to breathe. The cousin's wedding is on Saturday, and I can get through it, and I will have my cane, and if people want to talk to me, I will talk, but I will mostly sit and be calm. And then, the Hamptons, for a week, and I will be fine.

Tomorrow, my mom will take me to her friend Karin, a craniosacral therapist, and I will have a wonderful massage session plus an awesome chat with Karin, just like last time.
Later, Mom will take me back to Montauk, where I will meet with Adam in his work area and get my room key (yay).
I shall then explore Gurney's Inn Resort And Spa to my heart's content before settling in our lovely studio room and melting into true vacation mode because I totally can.
I will see my parents on and off until Friday when Adam is done with the job. We will all gather for last hugs and loves, and then Adam and I will take to the road again and be back home in Maryland on Friday night or maybe Saturday morning.
Bulletins as they occur, as usual.
OMG I cannot wait to see my new inn room at Gurney's, whee...

Lena, who spent the night, is going to pick up Charlotte. I am about to help Adam clean the kitchen. We will all do things to clean the house. We will clean the living room carpet, the stairs, and the upstairs carpet with the Rug Doctor carpet shampooer that Charlotte's mother lent us (Ralph has been shitting in the living room every day apparently). We will vacuum, sort laundry, organize, etc. We will go out and buy more large trash bags, cat litter, cat and dog food, find brunch.
Adam just gave me a mini chocolate donut.

The massive food bloat is gone. My waist is back to its normal size. Lena will have to measure me again. I agreed to fill in an application to do some modeling at her Night Dreams store in Vienna in a couple of weeks.

Also, very good news on the beauty/cosmetics front: I finally realized why all the foundations and concealers I have tried since I was sixteen never worked: I'm olive-skinned, not pink or yellow or neutral. I need a shade that is very very pale olive for winter and slightly darker olive for summer. Hence: Raesin Images Cream Foundation and Cream Concealer in Linen L1. This is also for the benefit of azhure and faire_damsel, who are both as unbelievably pale as I am. Raesin has all sorts of colors and shades for every single skin tone. And Linen is my shade, hands down, nothing better.
Links:
http://www.raesinimages.com/cream%20foundation%20f1matte.htm Foundation
http://www.raesinimages.com/cream%20concealer.htm Concealer
http://www.raesinimages.com/liquidmineralmakeup.htm Explanation of Colors
http://www.raesinimages.com/liquidmineralconcealer.htm Explanation of Colors
http://www.raesinimages.com/mineral%20makeup%20ingredients.htm Ingredients

Lena, who spent the night, is going to pick up Charlotte. I am about to help Adam clean the kitchen. We will all do things to clean the house. We will clean the living room carpet, the stairs, and the upstairs carpet with the Rug Doctor carpet shampooer that Charlotte's mother lent us (Ralph has been shitting in the living room every day apparently). We will vacuum, sort laundry, organize, etc. We will go out and buy more large trash bags, cat litter, cat and dog food, find brunch.
Adam just gave me a mini chocolate donut.

The massive food bloat is gone. My waist is back to its normal size. Lena will have to measure me again. I agreed to fill in an application to do some modeling at her Night Dreams store in Vienna in a couple of weeks.

Also, very good news on the beauty/cosmetics front: I finally realized why all the foundations and concealers I have tried since I was sixteen never worked: I'm olive-skinned, not pink or yellow or neutral. I need a shade that is very very pale olive for winter and slightly darker olive for summer. Hence: Raesin Images Cream Foundation and Cream Concealer in Linen L1. This is also for the benefit of azhure and faire_damsel, who are both as unbelievably pale as I am. Raesin has all sorts of colors and shades for every single skin tone. And Linen is my shade, hands down, nothing better.
Links:
http://www.raesinimages.com/cream%20foundation%20f1matte.htm Foundation
http://www.raesinimages.com/cream%20concealer.htm Concealer
http://www.raesinimages.com/liquidmineralmakeup.htm Explanation of Colors
http://www.raesinimages.com/liquidmineralconcealer.htm Explanation of Colors
http://www.raesinimages.com/mineral%20makeup%20ingredients.htm Ingredients

Yes, we can get internet access. I don't have much to say except the obvious, I love my mother and father and being here is a thrill. Last night I slept more deeply and more restfully than I have ever slept in Maryland. Sag Harbor will do that to a person. My pain levels, in general, are extremely low. Seizure threshold is high. Mental and emotional states are very well. I ate pizza at Conco D'Oro's for the first time in a year. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep with each bite. Adam and I wandered the village for a while before coming back home. Tomorrow, we go out with Mom, and then in the evening we will pick up Beca and James at the Bridgehampton train station. I may have more interesting or exciting things to write about then. But for now we are getting ready for sleep.

Adam and I will begin packing up later today. Tonight, we will put all the bags in the car, and then tomorrow morning, probably just before sunrise, we will go out and put ourselves in the car, and begin driving. From Gaithersburg Maryland to Hartsdale New York takes just under five hours, not including traffic and rest stops. So we should be at Carolyn and Kelly's house between twelve and one in the afternoon. That will give us all day to be with them; we can eat Carolyn's wonderful home-cooked dinner, sleep in the beautiful guest room (which was my weekend bedroom during my college days, as their house was twenty minutes away from my campus), and wake up on Monday morning with them. We'll eat a good breakfast, then drive on out toward Long Island and Sag Harbor. That will take just over two hours not including traffic and stops. So depending on when we leave Hartsdale, we'll be at my parents' house any time in the afternoon.
My parents don't have internet access (they never use the computer in my bedroom as it is), but Adam being a computer tech will find a way to get us internet on our laptops. So I will probably be able to go online sporadically. If I don't post to LJ or read my Friends page, I'll just say goodbye now and I love all of you and I'll miss all of you (except Beca and James, who I will see in Sag Harbor on Wednesday, yay!).
Hopefully I'll be able to get online... but I'm not worried about it. :)

Adam and I will begin packing up later today. Tonight, we will put all the bags in the car, and then tomorrow morning, probably just before sunrise, we will go out and put ourselves in the car, and begin driving. From Gaithersburg Maryland to Hartsdale New York takes just under five hours, not including traffic and rest stops. So we should be at Carolyn and Kelly's house between twelve and one in the afternoon. That will give us all day to be with them; we can eat Carolyn's wonderful home-cooked dinner, sleep in the beautiful guest room (which was my weekend bedroom during my college days, as their house was twenty minutes away from my campus), and wake up on Monday morning with them. We'll eat a good breakfast, then drive on out toward Long Island and Sag Harbor. That will take just over two hours not including traffic and stops. So depending on when we leave Hartsdale, we'll be at my parents' house any time in the afternoon.
My parents don't have internet access (they never use the computer in my bedroom as it is), but Adam being a computer tech will find a way to get us internet on our laptops. So I will probably be able to go online sporadically. If I don't post to LJ or read my Friends page, I'll just say goodbye now and I love all of you and I'll miss all of you (except Beca and James, who I will see in Sag Harbor on Wednesday, yay!).
Hopefully I'll be able to get online... but I'm not worried about it. :)

At Charlotte's last night, we ordered white pizza from Pizza Palace. It's my favorite down here in Maryland. However, it's never as good as Conco D'Oro's. I'll be home in just a few days.
My mother's friends used to drive up from Brooklyn and stay at our house for a weekend, just to sleep. Just to be in a quiet, soothing town away from cities and smog. I remember the first time James came up; he said he slept so well, so rested, it surprised him. Everyone I know who visits Sag Harbor -- particularly it's hamlet, Noyac, where my parents are -- claim to feel so calm, so tranquil, so at peace.
I just plain miss it.
It's funny -- Sag Harbor is not a busy, happening little village. There's not much to do. Most of the action is in Southampton, really, the Hollywood East world (the Hilton sisters have a home there, and frequent many clubs, and Billy Joel and Steven Spielberg own homes there). When I was younger, I'd see my high school classmates bored out of their minds; but I never worried. I had everything I wanted, all I had to do was take a bus or have someone drive me. I suppose it really just depends on your mindset. Adam would not want to live there, but he loves visiting just to get away and get peace. I could stay for a good long time, but with everything I've been through in the last eight years, I'd want to get away and travel more. I used to be perfectly content while I was growing up. But I'm grown up now.