Inside The Fog
May. 16th, 2012 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightrosefoxToday is a day that has had me crumbling under crippling fatigue. Vicious, perception-harming fatigue full of fog and hemiparetic tremors and full-body spasms and full-body pain. I mean, seriously, my brain is horrid today. I was vacuuming earlier and almost passed out. I am just so tired, and also tired of this.
I try, I really really try, damn it. This makes me want to cry, but every part of me is dry. Oil serums and lotions and eye drops and water and tea have all helped, but I still can't cry, or maybe I just won't.
In a conversation with a friend the other day, I realized that I've been throwing myself into cartoons (My Little Pony, Futurama) more than my writing, because it's easier to share a franchise with built-in fandom to a hungry population. It's easy to exclaim over popular fiction, to quote characters, sing songs, collect toys, immerse myself in the colorful delight of something created for children while winking obviously at adults (My Little Pony referencing adult films such as The Big Lebowski and even getting certain swear words past the censors).
I never planned or wanted to adore the Pony franchise and fandom so much, but it was like being yanked forcefully, and once I was in, I was completely immersed, as though it were an entity itself.
Now that I understand it, I've been pulling away slightly, being less wild about it, but still fannish. I've realized that I have always been giving with a "free and open heart" yet my anxiety levels have been so high that my heart has been less open, hence the need for such a fandom, which is easily shared without giving my heart or self away - something that would instantly happen once my writing was sent off into the world.
It was too easy to let myself fall into the MLP fandom, because of nostalgia and anxiety, because of the need to be comforted by child-like things. Then again, I just love the Ponies because... well, I love them and they're awesome and cool and such. But again, I just fell in. But positively. I fell in positively. It makes me laugh. I need to laugh. And breathe.
Also, brushing and coming my Pony dolls' hair is incredibly soothing. That could be a factor. Also, every time I start brushing a Pony's hair, Luna starts meowing loudly and tries to pull the brush away; I think she might be jealous.
Adam will be home from New York and New Jersey very late tonight. We think he will have tomorrow off, which means I will have help and strong arms.
I try, I really really try, damn it. This makes me want to cry, but every part of me is dry. Oil serums and lotions and eye drops and water and tea have all helped, but I still can't cry, or maybe I just won't.
In a conversation with a friend the other day, I realized that I've been throwing myself into cartoons (My Little Pony, Futurama) more than my writing, because it's easier to share a franchise with built-in fandom to a hungry population. It's easy to exclaim over popular fiction, to quote characters, sing songs, collect toys, immerse myself in the colorful delight of something created for children while winking obviously at adults (My Little Pony referencing adult films such as The Big Lebowski and even getting certain swear words past the censors).
I never planned or wanted to adore the Pony franchise and fandom so much, but it was like being yanked forcefully, and once I was in, I was completely immersed, as though it were an entity itself.
Now that I understand it, I've been pulling away slightly, being less wild about it, but still fannish. I've realized that I have always been giving with a "free and open heart" yet my anxiety levels have been so high that my heart has been less open, hence the need for such a fandom, which is easily shared without giving my heart or self away - something that would instantly happen once my writing was sent off into the world.
It was too easy to let myself fall into the MLP fandom, because of nostalgia and anxiety, because of the need to be comforted by child-like things. Then again, I just love the Ponies because... well, I love them and they're awesome and cool and such. But again, I just fell in. But positively. I fell in positively. It makes me laugh. I need to laugh. And breathe.
Also, brushing and coming my Pony dolls' hair is incredibly soothing. That could be a factor. Also, every time I start brushing a Pony's hair, Luna starts meowing loudly and tries to pull the brush away; I think she might be jealous.
Adam will be home from New York and New Jersey very late tonight. We think he will have tomorrow off, which means I will have help and strong arms.
