Because humans are the best, right?

[brightrosefox]

"So, do you have kids?"
"Nope. We have three cats."
"Why don't you have any kids?"
"We just don't want kids. Plus, I have medical issues and I don't want to get pregnant."
"Well, you could try adoption."
"Well, it's expensive. And we don't want kids."
"Huh. That's surprising. You sure you don't want to adopt?"
"No. We don't have the money or time or resources, and we just don't want children."
"Well, you could always find the time."
"My husband I will consider it, thank you. But right now, it's not in our plans."
"Ah. Okay, then. Well, at least your cats are like kids, right?"
"Sometimes, yes."

Dear everyone I meet who wonders why I don't have children: Stop fucking telling me I need to have children. Stop Just fucking stop. What part of "I don't want any" do you not understand? I don't want any. Ever. Let it go.

Comments

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

People are rude as fuck. That sums it up.

Last Saturday, we sold a TV stand to a woman who BERATED ME for only having one child, because it was "selfish to have one child and not give him a sibling. He deserves a sibling." When I told her that I have 30+ confirmed medical conditions, it took 7+ years and thousands in treatment to conceive, and am about to have a hysterectomy so that I don't get cancer at the age of 31, she didn't back off. I wasn't following "God's plan." So - God's plan is for an infertile woman who is about to be without a uterus to conceive? That's one crazy-ass God.

Zero children, one child, two children, 20 children, three cats, eight dogs, 14 turtles, I don't care - just don't tell me what to do with my body and my life choices when you don't know me or my story.

I'm sure you feel the same way.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

God's plan is BABIES BABIES FOR EVERYONE. Also, somehow God hates gay couples being married because they can't reproduce, yet it's totally fine for infertile straight couples to get married. Religious delusions are fun fun fun!

[kateqt.livejournal.com]

What?? O___O Seriously?? I will never understand these people... never. And that is coming from someone who really, really wants kids of their own. A boy and a girl. Maternal instinct goes into overdrive every time I walk into the baby section at Walmart. But that has not a freezing flying pig in Hell to do with whether or not anyone ELSE has kids.

I have a theory as to why many of these people keep bugging you about this. There is just no reason for a normal person who is satisfied with their decision to have kids to harass childfree people in this manner.

Either 1) they would have been childfree, but whether due to social conditioning or some other factor they didn't know it was an option. Because you exercised this option in your life and are happy, they are resentful.

2) They are extremely insecure about their parenting. Maybe because the media trumps it up as this "you will not even know the meaning of life until you crank one out, OMG!" experience, they had high expectations that the reality of changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, and answering an endless barrage of "Mommy, why?" questions doesn't meet day to day. Their kid was not an instant key to the Meaning of Life Club, which they feel awful about, and subsequently feel that they must constantly and obnoxiously proselytize the joys of childrearing as penance. "Fake it till you make it," if you will.

Those are literally the only two explanations I can come up with for this level of interrogation. Are there others? It's not personal, people. Not everyone wants a kid. On behalf of those of us who do and do not give a shit what anyone else chooses for their life as long as it makes them happy, I deeply apologize. The others get loose sometimes. We try, but reality TV only distracts them for so long.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

2 sounds good. I'll go with 2.

I was gonna ask about you eventually getting pregnant, and also about Chris and transition and such, but I wasn't sure if you wanted it known here. I mean, nobody who reads my LJ will care about FtM or sperm donors or whatever... In fact because a few friends are FtM with their wives and there have been donors.

[kateqt.livejournal.com]

That was my guess, too.

Oh gosh no, I don't mind. That's the main reason we joined LJ, to have someplace we could be open. I can make a post going into detail if you'd like so your comments don't get derailed. We're going the donor route. 1, adoption is expensive and 2, since I take anxiety meds for my OCD I don't even think we can adopt in most cases. Plus I'd be lying if there wasn't a bit of Darwinian instinct involved in that choice. Ideally we'd find a donor who shares Chris' Irish and Viking heritage so he can share that with our child.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh, there won't be any derailing here. I'm genuinely curious, and besides, this about babies anyway.
I remember Chris once saying (back when he was publicly being Christa and female) that the penis disgusted him. Is he planning on getting one with surgery? Would that be a little different than an actual penis?

(Speaking of that, I do wonder why he got involved with Jake. I remember Jake messaging me in confusion saying that Christa was either a lesbian or asexual because she - as Christa - wasn't sexual with Jake.)

[kateqt.livejournal.com]

Cool! It's different to him, he explains it in the same way as his straight male friends not wanting to look at each other's junk but still being obsessed with their own. He wants to have one, just doesn't find them attractive at all in a sexual way, if that makes sense.

Every single person who knows him randomly goes, "Yeah, what the hell was that about?" so you're not the only one who wonders, lol. He says he was trying to "give dating a guy a shot so family would get off my case." He'd just come out to them, and his mom didn't react well, so having someone he knew online casually he could claim he was dating but obviously wasn't his type was a good transition to get them to leave him alone. Then... the online deflection moved to be near him, so... that was awkward. Then he didn't know what to do because this person was obviously genuinely attached when he only felt friendship, but it was blown up into something that it really wasn't supposed to be. And he was going through a lot, so Chris was struggling with the timing of backing out in a way that wouldn't push him too far emotionally.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That's what I assumed about the penis thing. I get it. :)

You know, it all makes sense now - too bad Jake got so attached that he couldn't even see what was happening. I mean, he's over it now, but for a few weeks, I wound up fielding a ton of emails from him that were "She's the villain, I'm the poor victim, my life is awful, I should kill myself if she doesn't love me..." And after a while I just blocked him because he was getting creepier. The first and only time I met him face to face, he was very creepily attached to our conversations.
I'm just glad you and Chris have each other as you are!

[kateqt.livejournal.com]

Yep, and he did that to Chris as well, so it was a very, "Oh shit, have to be careful what I say or he's going to kill himself," thing. I had a friend like that when I was younger, definitely a stressful no-win situation. I'm very glad as well. :) We both appreciate how awesomely supportive you are.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I just commented on your post with a Roommate Story. I really do try to be as immensely supportive as I can - beyond the breaking point. :)

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

ACTUAL NON-EXAGGERATED CONVERSATION:

Me: I don't want kids. I just couldn't handle it. So many reasons. Just . . . NO.

Undisclosed Party (UP): If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have had them. I love them and would never trade them for anything now that I have them, but DAMN.

Cut to: one week later, conversation with the same person.

UP: So, when are you having kids?!

Me: I told you. Never.

UP: BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE KIDS!

Me: No, no, I don't. Jesus. Why would you say that?

UP: But it's selfish NOT to!

Me: Selfish . . . of me . . . not to have . . . a kid . . . I don't want and can't care for. I'm not following you.

UP: But you'd have beautiful children. Smart children.

Me: And they'd have a mentally ill, most likely abusive mother. But hey, smart and pretty, so who cares, right? Not like either of US knows what that's like

UP: But who will take care of you when you're old?

Me: . . . Are you serious?

UP: BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE KIDS! OTHERWISE MY KID J WILL HAVE NOBODY HIR OWN AGE TO PLAY WITH!

Me: You admitted last week that you wouldn't do it over. Why should I, when I KNOW I'd feel the same way?

UP: . . .

Me: How 'bout you call me when you figure that out.


According to what I've gathered, it's a combination of both. Also, selfishness. Not sayin' all people do it for those reasons. Most don't. But the ones who are jerks about OTHER PEOPLE not doing it, they have Issues.

And, then, some people, like really old people, have this POWERFUL investment in the status quo. Having kids is Just What You DO, and not doing that is, to them, quite literally attacking the social structure and The Way Things Ought To Be. They find it threatening.

Not even going to get into how that same person also eventually came out with the "We need more smart white babies to outnumber the stupid brown ones!" thing, at which point I cut off all voluntary contact with them. (This is a person that, for social reasons, I do see sometimes, so some contact of the "Heyhow'sitgoin'?" variety is unavoidable.) So, you know, sometimes racism and ableism comes into it, too.

Some people suck. Most people? Sort of okay. Some people? Wonderful. But man, the ones that suck are really annoying.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

AUGH. FUCKING AUGH. FUCKING WHARGARBL LEG-BITING BITCHSLAP WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT WHAT IS *WRONG* WITH THESE PEOPLE GAAAHH.

Oh, wait, you just said what's wrong with these people. Still. Fucking people.

Yeah. "You'd be a great mother!" "You would have beautiful, smart children!" "You need to breed so we can have more beautiful and smart people!"

And my new favorite: "But you're such a great cat owner! Your furbabies are so happy! You would be the best mother for real kids!"

A) Yes, because my ability to take care of an animal is directly related to how I would take care of a human infant as it grows and becomes a bigger human.

B) OH MY GODS I HATE THE TERM FURBABIES. FURKIDS. FURCHILDREN. THEY ARE ANIMALS. DOMESTICATED ANIMALS. WHY CAN'T I JUST CALL THEM MY PETS. I HATE PEOPLE.

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

You can do things to pets and not harm them that would psychologically scar a human child forever.

Says the person with a cat named Asshole who spends a great deal of time in a laundry hamper in the closet when he is bad. (It just makes him chill out and go to sleep. A child, not so much.) Plus, I can leave the house anytime I want and not have to take the cats with me.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I have no idea why people think that someone having a pet means that someone would make a "great parent."

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Generally speaking, nobody's going to arrest you for treating an animal like your child. People WILL arrest you for treating your child like an animal.

Why this confuses people confuses me.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

And yet my friend E. is still being literally hunted by her own birth mother, who tried to kill her children with a mallet. And the mother still has not been arrested because "there is no proof" and because the mother is too "protected" by her church, family and friends. And so E. has now moved across the country in desperation and has PTSD like whoa.

[elialshadowpine]

The only time I call them furbabies or children in any seriousness is when they are making me yell things that make me sound like a parent yelling at her kids. I have, for real, had someone overheard our cats and been convinced we had kids and just weren't telling her about it.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's good when it's like that. :)

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

This tendency for people to intrude into other people's choices still really baffles me. Whether it's about someone's choice to have or not have children, to marry or not to marry, all kinds of decisions. And these are all emotionally charged, very personal decisions and no one else's business to try to "hard sell" someone who is choosing something different. And when people come up to me and say these things, I do feel like they're those horrible dreaded door to door salesmen or the telemarketers who are trying to hard sell you on something that you know you personally don't want or need. I want to turn to these people and tell them to STFU. But since most of the people who try to hard sell me on having kids and marriage are at my work, I can't really do that. :P I have my own personal reasons for the choices I make, and damn it, I don't have to justify myself to anyone.

The other thing that people say about me not having children is that I'm being horribly selfish. However, I KNOW that I am NOT being selfish. I'm making a responsible decision to not bring a child into my life. Health reasons, financial reasons, PERSONAL reasons. And thing is, I don't go around telling people THEY shouldn't have children or get married because it is what I've chosen. I KNOW my choices aren't for everyone, so I don't try to push them on others. So why the heck can't people treat me with that same respect? *shrugs* Anyway, yeah. Didn't mean that to be a crazypants rant there. Hehe. But I totally agree with you. These people seriously need to let it go.

[natalief.livejournal.com]

This. It is up to each of us to make these decisions. I have had people (including my mother) say many of these things bot to me and to hubby. That said my cats are my kids to me. Even if losing Smudge recently hurt as much as losing a human child might, but I will never know the latter feeling.