The Return To Innocence

Forgot this.

You know when the cerebral palsy complications, migraines, epilepsy, and fibromyalgia catch up all at once and knock you out at seven in the evening and you wake up at midnight because your husband experiences severe leg cramps which you help soothe, and then when you fall back asleep full of wild dreams, and you can't wake up until noon? Also, I still have Cerebral Palsy Spastic Arms and swollen fingers and a swollen knee and wrist pain and hip pain and TMJ and hay fever and a sore throat and rashes on my arms and chest.

And the downstairs room walls are sky blue, lavender and rose pink, deep orange, with plum trim. With paintings and artwork everywhere. The bursts and splashes of color really do invigorate. I think I shall nickname our townhouse The Paul-Capello Gallery.
This is why I love color cosmetics.

I am reading Erin Morgenstern's "The Night Circus." Ha ha, I already agree with Adam's theory about Bailey.

Also, I had a temperature of 99.6 which later moved down to 99.3, which are all fun numbers to write. Because, I don't know.

Also, it was mentioned that my house kind of looks like the My Little Pony colors, which is fine by me. My friend Charlotte, who has been helping Adam work, insists that I may have been subconsciously inspired by "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" while Adam and I were choosing paint samples. Except not really, probably, I don't know. He wanted pink in the kitchen, I wanted purple in the living room... I was not expecting the pink to be so pink. But color. Oh, so much color. The living room ceiling looks like the sky. The half bathroom is so orange, oh my gods. Even the cat litter closet is purple and pink. COLORS.
The handymen have put in some of the new cabinetry (honey brown, shaker style) and they will start in on setting down the new blue-gray slate vinyl sheet floor soon, and on Thursday, the new oven with the over the range microwave and the totally new dishwasher arrive. And then the charcoal living room carpet will be laid down, and then we will put the house back together, and oh my gods it will be so weird and fun.

I want chocolate ice cream.

***
Adam is now home after putting in 176 hours in two weeks and we just had WATER DAMAGE because there is a leaking pipe in the downstairs hallway closet that contains, oh, the water heater and the A/C unit.
State Farm has been called. A plumber has been contacted and will call us soon.
Can't use the washer, can't flush a toilet, can't leave water on. Fuck.
Seriously, fuck all this. I'd love to blame the neighbors who spent the last two days chopping down a tree out in front across the sidewalk, y'know, maybe they struck a line or who the fuck know and oh my fucking gods I am graaaagh. Also it happened just as we had ordered food, and then we had to clean up all the water and we just now got to the food TWO HOURS LATER and I am TIMESTAMPING EVERYTHING for the insurance policy and FUCK A BUNCH OF THIS YOU GUYS I WANT TO RAGE.
My husband is starved, exhausted, has a gash on his leg, and just wants to rest, and he spent almost three hours mopping and sweeping and snaking and now every towel in the house is soaking and we can't wash them and we need a new mop head and I can barely eat my chicken parm sub and my cats' paws are wet and I want to cry.
Don't even joke at me. DON'T. I will break you if you even dare joke at this. Just pet me on the head, murmur comforting things, and hope a plumber comes soon.

Also? YES IT COULD BE WORSE. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I am just tired and full of soaky wet hate.

Plumber will be here within the next half hour. WOO FUCKING YEAH. Roto Rooter, too. Never used them before. Plus, a specialized crew working with State Farm to dry us out completely, tonight AND tomorrow.
FUCK I AM RELIEF.
***
Okay, calm now. Because, see, as we were sweeping around that leaked closet, I saw the yellow Water Meter Reading notice that had been hanging on the knob for days because I am too short to read the water meter. Which is in the closet. At which point, I began laughing. Then crying. Then openly weeping. Adam read the numbers, which I wrote on the notice. And I laugh-cried some more. And Adam took me in his arms and I shrieked, "And I haven't had a fucking hug in ten days until you came home" and he hugged me tighter and told me to breathe and then we held hands and meditated the fucking hell out of my breakdown, with Adam gently moving energy in and out until my body was flushed and I started twitching. And then I realized my nightly medications were two hours late. And now I am about to write up everything that happened so I have yet another timestamp record.
***
About 6:30 or so, Adam came home. I had been in bed with a migraine, so he came upstairs with Luna in his arms, and they cuddled and purred with me for a while. We went downstairs and flumped on the couch with Jupiter and watched a series on UFO sightings. *shrug* Adam had just put his clothes in the washing machine. Adam said he was too tired to cook, and there was cash, so I got a menu and we ordered. That was around, oh, 7:15?
Around 7:30, as an episode was ending, we heard a rather fantastic splash. Rose came running into the living room, bounced on the couch, and came to us. She was soaking wet from belly to feet. Adam and I blinked at each other and went to the hallway and OH SHIT WATER AND DIRT EVERYWHERE AND IT'S GETTING IN THE CAT LITTER CLOSET AREA SHIT SHIT SHIT THAT IS AN INCH OF DIRTY WATER FUCK.
We grabbed every towel we could find, and the mop. This was around, um, 7:45? The delivery guy arrived, stared at the mess, I smiled and gave him a big tip, and took the food and put it in the kitchen - where it stayed. Adam realized it was that specific pipe, connected to the house's main line, yelled "shut off the washing machine NOW" and I mopped up more water. GAH.
And so, yeah, then we spent over an hour cleaning up, moving things around, cleaning out the entire cat litter closet (wood floor there) and putting the litter boxes in the living room. Then we took a small fan and left it to dry out the hallway. OH! Also, we had been squeezing the mop out in the toilet - and realized that if we flushed, water leaked AGAIN. So, if water went down any drain, that pipe would leak. Well, fuck. We called our friend Billy, who works for a disaster reconstruction company, and he recommended a plumber and an insurance claim. We called Burt, our agent, but since he wasn't available, we just called the main number. They were fucking awesome. They called a Service Master company for us that would come dry us out. We then looked up plumbers, saw Roto Rooter, said, "Sure, what the fuck" and they said they could be to us within two hours - DAMN STRAIGHT WOW. And then Service Master called, said THEY could be here within two hours. And that was all around 9:00 or 9:15. So we may still get to flush, shower, etc, tonight. Adam just duck-bathed with a basin full of hot water, alcohol, a sponge, and the last few clean towels. Poor guy. Oh gods I feel so bad for him. He did not deserve to come home and have the house fall apart like this.
***
We have put on Mr. Coffee for Mr. Roto Rooter Plumber. The price is lower than I'd thought. The guy is very sweet, and he shall be thorough.
It's going to be a long night...
***
Also. Adam brought home REAL NEW YORK CITY BAGELS. I CRIED.

Also, Adam brought home two cans of 28 Black, which I have only ever found in New York City. I CRIED.

Also, Adam is the greatest man I have ever known and he loves me. He loves me. I still don't know why but he loves me. I'M CRYING.
***
Well, the Tramadol and the Carisoprodol and the Clonazepam have kicked in. I am a puddle of not-stress and not-pain and OHM relief. And there is coffee with chocolate.
And THE WASHING MACHINE IS WORKING AGAIN I AM FULL OF ECSTATIC EUPHORIA. LET'S DO A DRUM CIRCLE.
***

Charlotte came to get me for our shopping stuff, and we ate at the Original Pancake House (Eggs Benedict with potato pancakes for her, French Toast for me), and I was finally able to treat us with my own cash. After that came Pepco (with coupons for Nature's Variety and Before Grains dry cat food, plus Soulstice canned cat food, Arm & Hammer cat litter in a 40 pound box, and new metal bowls to replace the cracked glass bowls for the upstairs food). Bed Bath And Beyond was next (a plush new Turkish bamboo cotton bath towel and hand towel just because I could, SteroPod toothbrush caps; I may go back for another Tree Bark bath towel with another coupon, because bamboo is awesome).
Charlotte helped me load everything into her SUV. I lifted one of her 28 pound litter cardboard boxes from cart to trunk, and we were extremely proud. I mean, I couldn't do that last year.
We came back to her house and spent some time, where we chatted about her grandmother's wake and funeral last week. The funeral had been Catholic, the priest made Charlotte extremely uncomfortable and annoyed since he didn't even discuss anything personal about her Nana, and Charlotte made sure to visit her grandfather's headstone as well as the fresh one. Her family even treated her very well, considering that for all of Charlotte's life she had been the black sheep of her mother's family. I, too, miss Nana deeply. What an awesome woman she was. But she had been ready to go, she had stopped fighting the brain cancer and wanted to be with her husband, and she's already haunting Charlotte because she promised she would, so it's all good. Nana's two tabby kittens, Smokey and Punky, are living at Charlotte's separated from the three adult cats until Shadow understands that she is not being replaced and she is still the queen, and that her two children, Buster and Baby, are staying as well. Now, Nana's house across the street will most likely be bought by a cousin to keep it in the family. I know Charlotte wanted Adam and me to buy it but there's no way, especially not now that we've been renovating the townhouse.

When we came back to my house, I got a call from my physician's assistant regarding the Tramadol I had discussed with Dr. Carolyn last week. Dr. Carolyn had approved of my trying the drug but wanted me to get a pain specialist beforehand, who would then handle all my medications and treatments. But I couldn't get through to any of her referrals nor anyone else, and when I finally got one they weren't taking new patients. On Sunday night, I was in such amazing pain that I left a tearful voicemail for the office and explained that I just wanted to try the Tramadol now, and when I finally found a specialist then it could be handled. The assistant, Kevin, told me that he and Dr. Carolyn had gotten my message and had quickly called the prescription into my local CVS; they had known me for a decade and knew damn well when I was serious. Kevin had said that the doctor had been worried and empathetic. Which is why I love her. I thanked him a few times, and Charlotte drove me to the shopping center.
I picked up the Ultram for under six dollars for forty tablets, while Charlotte bought some makeup, and since she so rarely wore makeup I was happy to help her choose colors. Since she is severely allergic to aloe vera in all forms, we have to check every ingredient list of every product that comes near her. It's one of the reasons I started researching holistic skin care. Whenever I know I will be hanging out with Charlotte, I try to use aloe-free products, or if I use products with aloe I make sure that I don't touch her until the products with aloe absorb fully. She gets blistered and reddened, which is the exact opposite of what aloe is supposed to do. The fact that for her aloe causes the very symptoms it is meant to heal is extraordinary. Aloe allergy is not unusual, but it is kind of rare. I myself am very relieved that I can use topical soy.

So, I am highly satisfied. For the first time in years I was able to buy things I wanted freely, with money that was mine from my own bank account, and I happily treated myself as well as the cats. And that first dose of Tramadol, which I took an hour ago, is working quite well! I am in almost no pain, with no foggy or dizzy side effects like those from the codeine. This pleases me so much.

Via the Facebook.

So, yeah. I can't straighten my left arm. It's bent in that classic chicken wing position that happens so often with spastic cerebral palsy, and the wrist and fingers are curled in that claw position that happens so often with spastic cerebral palsy. If I need to do anything involving my left hand, it must be with elbow and wrist bent and fingers curled. Trying to straighten out makes me turn whit
e and make a tiny high-pitched shrieking sound. There's a muscle in my left bicep that won't stopped spasming and it's sending massive pain signals to my brain, and the rest of me is hurting massively, and this is just not fun. I'm going to try Flexeril and Soma soon, because the codeine is just dulling everything. Also, my neck muscles are twitching and I hate that. /whine, yada yada yada, whine
(I apologize for nothing, to quote Hedonismbot.)
I hope I can reach one of the pain specialists soon. I'm hoping to get a prescription for Tramadol to replace the codeine.


I love our Darth Fridge so much. Every time I walk into the kitchen, I see this black monolith of a refrigerator and I'm startled and awed until I remember that, oh yeah, we got a new fridge, after eight years. It's beautiful. I'm not used to a working water filter with a working ice maker on the side freezer door. I'm not used to transparent food drawers. I'm not used to doors that stay fully closed and have alarms. It's just so... awesome. The Force is strong with my fridge. Now I just need a Darth Vader magnet that makes noises... or maybe a lightsaber magnet, making lightsaber noises.
***

For some stupid reason, the skin on my hands and between my fingers are so dry and flaky that the eczema is flaring. Time for healing hydrators and nourishing moisturizers. Moringa and tamanu oils, here I come.

Time to (carefully) play with eyeshadows: Maybelline Color Pearls Marbleized Eyeshadow Duo in Downtown Denim and Persuasive Plum, and Too Faced Exotic Color Intense Eye Shadow in Midnight Mist and Poison Orchid. My eyes do really really well with blue, purple, gray, taupe, gold, and mauve shades. Dark brown shades make my eyes look sunken, red shades make my skin look faded, and green shades make my whole face look sick unless they are extremely dark. I love teal as long as it leans toward the blue side. I don't know how to layer or blend different shades, so I usually tend to just use one shade all over the eyelid, or I will layer a duo with one shade as a liner. I am still struggling to perfect my eyeliner application. I prefer automatic pencils to regular eyeliner pencils or gel liners. I always check ingredients, but it doesn't really matter since my concealer or foundation is always either organic or a blend of natural ingredients along with synthetic, and I use it as primer.

Today at work, I decided to see how long and far I could walk briskly before my ankle began throbbing. I clocked it at ten minutes or so. Which wasn't bad. I can walk on it easily, but too much weight causes pain and tension. I'm sitting comfortably and I can feel the muscle burn and bruise. But it's good.
I got my Goji juice today. Two ounces every morning until the bottle is empty should work well. So the bottle will last just over two weeks. Which is fine, because I get it cheap.

I plan on making a giant sign and printing it out, then taking it home and taping it to the wall above the kitchen sink: "WASH YOUR DISHES SO THEY STOP PILING UP. THERE IS NO DISH WASHING FAIRY." Or something to that effect. It is a reminder to myself as much as to the housemates. I notice that nobody really likes washing dishes, and the sink keeps piling up, because we all think that either we will do it later, or someone else will be nice and do it all. I'm as guilty as anyone. But it has to stop. It bothers me to come home to find an overflowing sink, and a stove still strewn with pots and pans that weren't even rinsed (Danny, I'm looking at you). We all need to really motivate each other to wash dishes as soon as they hit the sink. We can't install the dishwasher that Jason got from his parents yet, until there is a lot of work and rearranging done, but gods will I be happy when it happens.

Today at work, I decided to see how long and far I could walk briskly before my ankle began throbbing. I clocked it at ten minutes or so. Which wasn't bad. I can walk on it easily, but too much weight causes pain and tension. I'm sitting comfortably and I can feel the muscle burn and bruise. But it's good.
I got my Goji juice today. Two ounces every morning until the bottle is empty should work well. So the bottle will last just over two weeks. Which is fine, because I get it cheap.

I plan on making a giant sign and printing it out, then taking it home and taping it to the wall above the kitchen sink: "WASH YOUR DISHES SO THEY STOP PILING UP. THERE IS NO DISH WASHING FAIRY." Or something to that effect. It is a reminder to myself as much as to the housemates. I notice that nobody really likes washing dishes, and the sink keeps piling up, because we all think that either we will do it later, or someone else will be nice and do it all. I'm as guilty as anyone. But it has to stop. It bothers me to come home to find an overflowing sink, and a stove still strewn with pots and pans that weren't even rinsed (Danny, I'm looking at you). We all need to really motivate each other to wash dishes as soon as they hit the sink. We can't install the dishwasher that Jason got from his parents yet, until there is a lot of work and rearranging done, but gods will I be happy when it happens.

Annoying thing number one: Going to walk out the door this morning and realizing that neither of the roommates ever took the kitchen trash bag out of the can and out to one of the cans near the front gate, even though I had asked them yesterday and the day before. Trash was overflowing. There was no possible way I can lift the heavy bag out, let alone carry it outside. And I cannot stand to see overflowing trash in my kitchen. So I took the entire can, dragged it outside, and put it next to the big cans. Then I took a fresh bag and propped it up against the wall in the can's place. There is a reason the men need to take the trash out, because I'm not strong enough. When they come home tonight, I will kindly ask them to transfer the overflowing bag to the larger can. And I just found out that trash pick-up was indeed on Monday -- it was not a holiday for the trash service. That was my fault for not knowing (our trash days are Monday mornings and Thursday mornings). And four people, plus occasional guests, generate a lot of trash in less than a week. Regardless of whether or not the trash cans needed to be out at the curb of the main parking lot, the trash needed to leave the house. And I has politely asked at least twice. It's possible I nagged. I do that about trash. I apologize in advance for nagging. But fuck that, I guess I was the only once who noticed overflowing trash.

Annoying thing number two: Walking to the bus stop, stepping too hard and too awkwardly on my left ankle, and twisting it. Mild, but ow. I've been resting my foot on the couch and applying an ice pack to the ankle. It's not bad, but I can't walk on it without pain. I'll be going in to work tomorrow, pain or no pain; but right now it is better that I stay home and rest. Which is not what I want to be doing.

Annoying thing number three: Jupiter has been spraying everywhere nonstop. The house stinks of cat urine. The towels in the bathroom get hit the worst. We used to have a bathroom floor mat next to the shower until it become an impromptu litter box. We used to keep a towel in its place until it became covered in urine (Jason really needs to get him fixed soon). I plan on doing as much cleaning as my ankle will allow. I might as well, I want to do something to at least make the house look and smell acceptable. Mom thinks we should hire a maid to come in once a month. I'm tempted.