The Return To Innocence

Back pain back pain back pain backpain backpain backpain NNNGGHH.
It's the lumbar area, leading to sciatica down both legs. Of course, you know? I've got an appointment with my new orthopedist on January sixth, and we're going to get be fitted for true customized orthotics... although I am going to insist they be cushioned, if not highly comfortable. The ones I had as a teenager actually made my feet hurt whilst walking. I still have the left one from those days. It is not comfortable. I understand practicality and function, but still.
Nnngh. Back, hips, legs, knees, ankles. Come on, drugs, work faster.

When we came home from grocery shopping, I looked up at the stairs and whispered, "Mama's home, Rose." I had meant it merely for her memory, for her spirit that now lived in the house, free to leave the clay statue that was a vessel, as Adam had not bound her to it. Adam said, "She's still gone, sweetheart." And I knew, and I reminded him that it was just... oh, I couldn't even find the words. It was just for her ghost. But he knew. We held each other and he knew.

My friends have cried for me, I think, more than I've cried for myself. I will have pockets of moments in which I will break down in gasping sobs, but they are so quick and triggered. A brush that had moved through her fur while I was comforting her in her lethargy, before I understood what was really happening, tufts of fur clinging to the bristles that I may not remove for a while. My pillow, and the soft bean-bag type pillow behind it that served as a general cat pillow but which was generally used by Rose especially in the mornings. A bag of Greenies treats that I realized I no longer had to move to a high place where Rose couldn't grab it and tear into it. Sitting in this desk chair, now, and knowing that Rose will never jump onto my lap and rub her cheeks over my mouth. She will not curl up on the floor, waiting for me to announce that Mama is going to bed so she can lead me there and see me to sleep. Oh. Yes, I'm in tears now. Oh, babygirl. Luna is on my lap now, kissing me, nuzzling. In her own Luna way.

We will be adopting another cat. Yes. It may be sooner than anyone thinks. I've already dreamed of her. I've already named her. I already know her age range. But... you know, someones through the grief and the numbness and the deep deep shock and the horror of physical death, we know deep deep inside that even if it takes only a week or two to get another pet, it is nothing like a replacement. It just means that the throbbing empty hollow burning in our hearts might start to heal, just a little. Luna is still my heart and soul, my queen and my moon goddess, my precious love. Jupiter is still my beautiful big boy, my chatty feline child who brightens my day just by smiling. The new kitten, the new young cat, will never be Rose. She will be herself.
Rose is never coming back, not even in a new incarnation. I'm not even sure I want that; it might hurt too deeply. Rose herself was already the reincarnation of Adam's patchwork dog, Ralph. Rose spent five glorious years learning to love and be loved. In Buddhism, that is a vital thing. All animals understand this. It is slightly Jainist. Adam and I, in our eclectic paganism, are mildly Buddhist in various, often conflicting, ways. It is not possible for us to be fully Buddhist in any way, but eclecticism is a wide arena.

"Life is a journey.
Death is a return to earth.
The universe is like an inn.
The passing years are like dust.
Regard this phantom world
As a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp - a phantom - and a dream"

I forgot to take the morning Ultram and Soma before we went to Adam's doctor check up appointment and it was raining and my rhinitis was flaring and my knees were aching stabbily and blah blah blah everything was horrible. But we got our flu shots and there was a CVS Extra Bucks coupon for 18.50 when I scanned my card, so we got a bunch of stuff and saved a bunch.
And when we got home, I went upstairs and prepared to sit on my couch and turn on my laptop, which meant I rapidly got a Luna in my lap kissing me and purring, as usual, which happens every time I sit down at my laptop on my couch; it's almost Pavlovian. OMG, Mama is going to the couch! Run run run! Jump on the lap! Get hugs! Yay!
Cats are fun.
Every time I marathon 'Futurama' I feel better. I'm not sure why. Actually I am sure why, but you don't need to know, because I'm always watching that damn show and you don't need to hear about it.
I have so, so, so many books to finish reading. I shall begin that forthwith. The painkillers have been actively and nicely painkilling since four this afternoon.
Also, I have weird pains in my right abdominal area near the bladder and surrounding muscles, so I am on a UTI watch and taking cranberry juice and extra extra ascorbic acid. So far, so good. But things happen. It is most likely just fibromyalgia being a bitch, plus gas bubbles, since I've been belching all day and the pain feels slightly better after each belch, but the spot is still tender and annoyingly stabby.

I have no idea why, but I love the shit out of this Wikipedia explanation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speculative_fiction

Oh Bast, this is both adorable and annoying. Oh, sweet Luna, I love you so dearly, but please stop climbing all over my laptop and my lap while I am working, I beg you. I will brush you with the boar bristle brush in a minute, just please stop knocking things off my desk. Yes, you are precious. Yes, I love your sweet trills and chirps and mewls. But you are getting hair in my keyboard. Yes, I love you and I will kiss you and hug you forever, just not right now!

Fibromyalgia flare-up again. Sciatica flare-up again. Tension headache again. I was doing so well.

Cats have been comforting. Last night, Luna stole my spot in bed when I'd gone to the bathroom. After trying to stare her down, I concluded that she wanted me to lay toward Adam. When I pulled up the covers, she scuttled under them and pressed up against my legs, purring. It was fantastic. Adam, Luna, and I slept all spooned together all night.

Rose delighted and frustrated us this evening with her adorably persistent insistence that neither human leave the couch while she was on it. She covered us in kisses and purrs until she concluded that she had given us enough love.
She is now lying on Adam's chest while he plays a video game. My human, she says. Mine.
No, honey. Mine. I got there first.

I don't know where it started. Couch or bathroom. I felt suddenly unreal. The room began to move away from me. The photos on the wall began to shift and change colors. The trees out the window moved in slow motion. The fan and the television slowed. The world slowed. Lightning in my head increased. There was slight pressure, not physical but psychic. I don't remember getting up or walking. I remember staring at the walls in the hallway, because Adam painted a mural on those walls when we first got the house. I remember watching Luna stare at me from the bathroom doorway. She meowed at me. She jumped up onto the stair ledge and sat there, and meowed, and when I stroked her, she nipped my hand and licked me. I don't remember anything else. I am back on the couch. My brain feels electric. Luna is with me. She is meeping now, instead of meowing. See, she only meows when she needs to get a human's attention. She keeps walking across my lap, rubbing her face against mine.

It will end in a moment and I will be fine.

My cats know. They always know. Thank you, my cats.

(For the record.)

I don't know where it started. Couch or bathroom. I felt suddenly unreal. The room began to move away from me. The photos on the wall began to shift and change colors. The trees out the window moved in slow motion. The fan and the television slowed. The world slowed. Lightning in my head increased. There was slight pressure, not physical but psychic. I don't remember getting up or walking. I remember staring at the walls in the hallway, because Adam painted a mural on those walls when we first got the house. I remember watching Luna stare at me from the bathroom doorway. She meowed at me. She jumped up onto the stair ledge and sat there, and meowed, and when I stroked her, she nipped my hand and licked me. I don't remember anything else. I am back on the couch. My brain feels electric. Luna is with me. She is meeping now, instead of meowing. See, she only meows when she needs to get a human's attention. She keeps walking across my lap, rubbing her face against mine.

It will end in a moment and I will be fine.

My cats know. They always know. Thank you, my cats.

(For the record.)

A surprisingly tender moment between Luna and Rose became something intriguing.
Since we brought Rose home back in June, Luna has been a bit standoffish and uncaring. Occasionally, in recent months, Luna would groom and nuzzle Rose, but those moments would be brief. Earlier tonight, I watched Luna walk up to Rose, sit down in front of her in the same meatloaf pose, and begin to lick and groom Rose's neck. After a few seconds, Rose began nibbling Luna's ear, but it didn't seem like a friendly gesture. I accidentally made a loud noise and the cats broke apart. Moments later, Luna shuffled closer and nudged Rose in a full headbutt to the shoulder. Rose put her ears back and batted Luna away, and the two briefly batted at each other, then ran off in different directions.
Later, I picked Rose up and held her out to Luna. They sniffed and touched noses. Luna licked Rose's forehead once. Nothing else happened. Rose stayed still for a moment, then squirmed and I let her go.
I am starting to wonder if Luna is finally accepting Rose completely and trying to develop a relationship, but perhaps Rose is wary because she remembers Luna's rebuffs in the past. If this is so, I wonder if Rose will grow out of her caution soon, because I can see this turning into a delightfully sweet friendship.

Thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

I'm chatting with Adam on AIM Video. He just sent me a video that he'd taken on Tuesday, before he left for Canada. It features Luna. Oh, she is the sweetest thing. This is how she is all the time. Every day.

I'm chatting with Adam on AIM Video. He just sent me a video that he'd taken on Tuesday, before he left for Canada. It features Luna. Oh, she is the sweetest thing. This is how she is all the time. Every day.

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/2938/neopagtoc.html
The links are amusing, the articles well-written, and the theories informative. This is a neat website to browse through when I'm done reading everything else I'm currently reading on the net.

Also: Luna is being so sweet my heart and brain might explode. She's started demanding my attention when I'm at my laptop and really hasn't left me alone since early this afternoon.
Adam has been at work and is currently at John's house with Billy, playing with the Wii. I'm enjoying my time with a marathon of Babylon 5. I'm almost done with Season Five. I really need to watch every single episode from the beginning. And I really really really love the Minbari religion. Oh, I love it so.