The Return To Innocence

I am a socially liberal moderate with mild civil libertarian leanings and mild conservative leanings; I do not call myself a Democrat or left-wing liberal and I find real partisan politics weird; I like to watch Fox News just for the reporting, which I am entertained by; I have many many friends who call themselves Republican yet do not embrace the extremely creepy insane views that many GOP members embrace; I do not believe Republicans generally are evil or hideous or boogeymen; I feel upset when an entire political party is smeared with a giant stabbing poison brush. I prefer when hate and loathing is directed at all parties.

So... does anybody want to yell at me for not being, say, fully liberal enough or not informed enough or not this or that enough, or for watching Fox News or for having loving Republican friends? It has happened before, and I was highly amused back then. Now I am very curious, because this is LiveJournal and a social public blog, and everyone is an asshole whether we will admit it or not.

I watched the results of the election kerfluffle. I watched as Obama won and the Democrats celebrated with feverish fervor.
I will not discuss my opinions or feelings, but I will say that I feel okay. Not joyous, not sad, not amazed, not worried, not thrilled, not upset, not delighted, not miserable, not depressed. Just okay. Just calm. Just relaxed. Just refreshed. Just fine. Just okay. I don't mind. I don't mind, but I will be very watchful. Obama is not the greatest. Obama is not made of magic. Obama will not make all problems vanish. Obama will make more problems. But Obama will be okay. I will be watchful and I will see.

But I am in so much pain that I can barely stay upright and also my legs, lower back, hips, arms, and wrists are being spastic, stabbing, aching, and burning. So I am drugging myself with Baclofen and Codeine and resting.
And I still refuse to tell you who I voted for.

It's... hard for me to explain. I have an Interesting Brain. See, I am tokophobic, which means Intense Fear Of Pregnancy And Childbirth. I want to block my uterus from accepting conception permanently, firstly for my own fears and anxieties and phobias, and way down the list for assholes who think I'm a breeding factory. I am planning on a tubal ligation or even a coil insert, once I have the opportunity and money and Medicare.
People tell me, "Oh, why don't you tell your husband to get a vasectomy? It is easier! SmileyFace!" And I sneer and smirk and say, "No. Because there is always the possibility that I may one day get raped. No. Because this is my own body. I do not own my male partner's body. I own my own body. My body. And this is what I want to do. My uterus does not define me. I, myself, define me. But phobia is strong. I am not afraid of permanently soothing my phobia. But I am afraid of being stopped because someone has decided I should not. But, see, I am not afraid because of politics or other women or people who hate or anything like that. I am only afraid for myself. And so I would do this only for myself, and not for you."

One day, I will be sterilized. But not for them, never for them. I do things for me. But I voted with my conscience, which wraps around everyone. I will not say for whom. I will only say that I did not write in a candidate, but I love to joke about that. Futurama, Babylon 5, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, Firefly. Bender and Garibaldi. River Tam and Princess Celestia. Delenn and Twilight Sparkle. Applejack and Ivanova. Malcom Reynolds and Philip J. Fry.

I hope most of all of that makes sense.

But that is not the point. The point is that nobody should vote only on single issues like abortion, like gay marriage, like small government, like Social Security. But women did because of fear. And I never wanted to be afraid. I never wanted my fears to bleed into my politics. I did not let that happen. Yes, I am fiercely pro-choice in many ways. Yes, I am pro-gay marriage in many ways. Yes, I am pro-gun ownership for all citizens, believing in the freedom to own guns in their homes. Yes, I am pro-death penalty. Yes, I believe that the government should help people like me, the disabled, without looming too close for comfort. Yes, I believe the government should keep their hands out of my wallet, my bedroom, my body, my self.
But I refuse to vote only, solely, on only one of those single issues.
I don't know why that happens so often with people.

I cannot explain how I feel or hope. I will only say that I hope the next four years are not terrible, that we will be okay.
I want to be okay.

What follows is a quoted comment from a discussion on Facebook that started about peace and love and descended into political screaming matches about women's bodily and reproductive autonomy. This was a comment on how to do things right. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy, but this just makes so much sense that any argument against it feels pointless.
All parties remain anonymous.
( Read more... )

What follows is a quoted comment from a discussion on Facebook that started about peace and love and descended into political screaming matches about women's bodily and reproductive autonomy. This was a comment on how to do things right. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy, but this just makes so much sense that any argument against it feels pointless.
All parties remain anonymous.
( Read more... )

One of my greatest fears, potentially possibly ready to spring to life as law:
http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/10/mississippi-personhood-birth-control-abortion
I don't understand this. There is no sensible logic here. Someone please explain why the fuck this would be a good idea. Without using the words "god" or "religion" or "morality" or the phrase "it's a life". And if nobody can explain it without one or more of those words, do they understand how damaging and dangerous it could get? Look, I understand personal moral views and shit. But this? NO. Just... omigods NO. I can't even. I can't. I don't care if you are "pro-life" or "anti-choice" or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days. Go ahead and say that abortion is murder. Whatever. You do NOT have the right to tell a person how to use their own body. You do NOT put a potential possible existence on a higher pedestal than the actual real existence of a person, especially when that person has to go through nine or more months of grueling, painful, agonizing, damaging physical and mental changes especially when they don't fucking want it. I am so fucking sick of the phrase "Well, if you don't want the baby, just give it up for adoption." People who use that phrase seem to be unaware of how intense those nine months are. I'm tokophobic and the mere concept of being pregnant makes me shake and spasm. Will I want a child in the future at some point? Maybe. I don't know. I don't want one now. But I sure as hell don't want a pregnancy. Ever. I have made up my mind about that. The fact that Mississippi politicians are willing to vote to make sure that fertile women might be seen as less important than a fertilized egg makes me feel very ill. No uterus should be "property" of a government.
You know what, I am emotional and ranting, so I'll shut up.
I can't right now. No. I am hoping desperately that this does not pass in November.
My soapbox has broken, so I will leave now. If you want to comment and defend this bill, go ahead. But seriously, if you use any sort of moral, ethical, or religious reasoning to tell me why a fucking fertilized egg should be called a person, I will merely smile like a deranged Cheshire Cat.

One of my greatest fears, potentially possibly ready to spring to life as law:
http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/10/mississippi-personhood-birth-control-abortion
I don't understand this. There is no sensible logic here. Someone please explain why the fuck this would be a good idea. Without using the words "god" or "religion" or "morality" or the phrase "it's a life". And if nobody can explain it without one or more of those words, do they understand how damaging and dangerous it could get? Look, I understand personal moral views and shit. But this? NO. Just... omigods NO. I can't even. I can't. I don't care if you are "pro-life" or "anti-choice" or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days. Go ahead and say that abortion is murder. Whatever. You do NOT have the right to tell a person how to use their own body. You do NOT put a potential possible existence on a higher pedestal than the actual real existence of a person, especially when that person has to go through nine or more months of grueling, painful, agonizing, damaging physical and mental changes especially when they don't fucking want it. I am so fucking sick of the phrase "Well, if you don't want the baby, just give it up for adoption." People who use that phrase seem to be unaware of how intense those nine months are. I'm tokophobic and the mere concept of being pregnant makes me shake and spasm. Will I want a child in the future at some point? Maybe. I don't know. I don't want one now. But I sure as hell don't want a pregnancy. Ever. I have made up my mind about that. The fact that Mississippi politicians are willing to vote to make sure that fertile women might be seen as less important than a fertilized egg makes me feel very ill. No uterus should be "property" of a government.
You know what, I am emotional and ranting, so I'll shut up.
I can't right now. No. I am hoping desperately that this does not pass in November.
My soapbox has broken, so I will leave now. If you want to comment and defend this bill, go ahead. But seriously, if you use any sort of moral, ethical, or religious reasoning to tell me why a fucking fertilized egg should be called a person, I will merely smile like a deranged Cheshire Cat.

Sometimes I feel like Professor Farnsworth.
"I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

I've got friends online who are conservative who are receiving death threats just because they're conservative, even though they support various social issues that have been labeled liberal. People ask if if I'm liberal, because I "seem so liberal." I say no, I am not liberal, nor am I conservative. I have views that are liberal and views that are conservative, but I do not support either party, because people on both sides terrify me for various reasons. Sometimes for the same reasons. I'm terrified of humanity right now. People on every part of the political spectrum are tearing each other apart just for having opinions, attacking straw men, launching ad hominem attacks, and I don't even know what to say. I don't think anything I say will matter anyway.

Sometimes I feel like Professor Farnsworth.
"I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

I've got friends online who are conservative who are receiving death threats just because they're conservative, even though they support various social issues that have been labeled liberal. People ask if if I'm liberal, because I "seem so liberal." I say no, I am not liberal, nor am I conservative. I have views that are liberal and views that are conservative, but I do not support either party, because people on both sides terrify me for various reasons. Sometimes for the same reasons. I'm terrified of humanity right now. People on every part of the political spectrum are tearing each other apart just for having opinions, attacking straw men, launching ad hominem attacks, and I don't even know what to say. I don't think anything I say will matter anyway.

"Look, I don't want to get into a political fist fight about America's health care issues right now. I'm still figuring shit out. All I know is that I'm speaking as a chronically ill, disabled human being, who would very much like to not have to pay out the ass for prescriptions, doctor visits, specialist visits, and possible hospital visits. If that can happen without people whining and bitching and screaming, that would be fantastic. I don't know who has the best answer. I don't know who I want to fix this. All I want is to make sure that when I'm hurting and flaring and having troublesome symptoms, I won't go broke trying to heal myself. And if you can't understand, then go fuck yourself. I don't have time for your overinflated sense of privilege. I'm tired, and I'm in pain, and I'm going to take a muscle relaxant and wrap myself in a soft fuzzy blanket and drink some tea. Tea may not solve everything, but it helps."

-Me, babbling incoherently today.

"Look, I don't want to get into a political fist fight about America's health care issues right now. I'm still figuring shit out. All I know is that I'm speaking as a chronically ill, disabled human being, who would very much like to not have to pay out the ass for prescriptions, doctor visits, specialist visits, and possible hospital visits. If that can happen without people whining and bitching and screaming, that would be fantastic. I don't know who has the best answer. I don't know who I want to fix this. All I want is to make sure that when I'm hurting and flaring and having troublesome symptoms, I won't go broke trying to heal myself. And if you can't understand, then go fuck yourself. I don't have time for your overinflated sense of privilege. I'm tired, and I'm in pain, and I'm going to take a muscle relaxant and wrap myself in a soft fuzzy blanket and drink some tea. Tea may not solve everything, but it helps."

-Me, babbling incoherently today.

A quote I loved:
"I wish that we didn't have to choose parties. I mean, how much voting happens just because of party? People treat their party like a football team that they stand behind: right or wrong. Imagine what we could do if we only had to vote on issues?"

I wish it could be the other kind of party. I wish I could have ice cream cake and a pony ride every time I voted.

I also wish people wouldn't use words like "evil" or "pathetic" or "malevolent" or "brainless" to describe people affiliated with the opposing party. We're all people. True, some people have extreme ideas on how to control the masses (denying access to reproductive options, denying marriage for non-heterosexual people, denying gun ownership for citizens, denying death penalties for severe criminals, denying funds for military defense, etcetera). But they're still people.
I sit in the middle, and I look left and I look right, and I throw up my hands and declare, "You are all insane and I want nothing to do with either of your parties. But because I have no choice, living where I live, I have to choose one of you or I can't vote in the primaries. You all suck. But you're closer to my social ideals, so I'm going with you." And I point to the left, and sigh, and shrug. And my husband does the exact same thing, only he points to the right, because they're closer to his fiscal ideals.
Neither of us is actually a Democrat or a Republican, neither of us is actually a liberal or a conservative, but those are our options. While we're equally moderate and agree in almost everything, we can stand on both sides and try to figure out the least awful candidates in both parties. I like having a partner who thinks the same things I do as we stare in bafflement at the chaos, shake our heads, and wonder when there will ever be balance.
I guarantee that someone will call my husband "evil" and someone will call me "pathetic" just because we find ourselves affiliated with one side or the other. But we're still in the middle. Like a lot of people.
But shades of gray are never quite as stark as black and white, I guess. The blood and claws and teeth fly hard and fast if you're on one side or the other. Being in the middle sometimes means that you get to watch the damage pile up from a bit of a distance, and it gets depressing.