The Return To Innocence

Quote from a friend that applies to me in a scary way:

"If you really feel like picking a fight with me, you will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. I'll need at least two good meals, some meditation, a comedy film, a squeezable exercise toy in one hand, and a muscle relaxant drug that will help me type properly without muscle pains and tensions.
This is why I like arguing online: We each get our points across without interrupting shouts, we can research and cite our sources properly, we can explain exactly why the other person's argument is fallible, we can defend our own position logically and rationally, we can actually get words in edgewise without stammering and snarling from both sides, and we can save our vocal chords from getting sore.
I hate debating in person. My opponent loves to tell me exactly what is wrong with me in ways that don't even make sense, and he or she refuses to let me explain why that argument has no basis in reality.
Let's say, for example, that he or she decides to pick on the fact that I have a terrible memory in general but I can easily quote my favorite books and movies. Do you know why I can easily quote my favorite books and movies? Because they are my favorite books and movies. It has absolutely nothing to do with having a poor memory overall. It just means that I've read certain books and watched certain films often enough to at least paraphrase, if not fully recite, entire lines of dialogue. See, people with brain issues such as autism spectrum disorders are able to do things like that. Having a disintegrating memory while being able to recall very specific things does not mean that I am pretending to have a selective memory, and frankly I feel insulted when it is implied and inferred.
I am chronologically young and neurologically aging. I also have many friends going through the exact same process. I talk about my experiences often, so people like me can know that they are not alone.
If you want to fight me about that, if you want to accuse me of deliberately living inside my brain disorders, please come inside my brain disorders. They're all connected, so it's like a fantastic patchwork house. My brain has a very comfortable couch. Would you like some tea? I just got some red tea. I have decorated it with my disorders proudly. They are part of me, after all. They are part of who I am. Aren't they beautiful? Like shiny, sparkly, broken puzzles. I may never find the missing pieces. That's fine, though.
Did you know that in Japan, when a ceramic sculpture is broken, they weave gold through the piece when putting it back together? Kintsugi: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. The idea behind it is that the piece becomes more beautiful and valuable because it has been broken and has a history. I am full of gold-filled cracks. I am very proud of that. I am proud of my disabled and handicapped history. My life is made of gold!
Oh, please don't look upset! No, no, please, sit comfortably. I hope the tea is to your liking. Yes, even that mug has gold fillings, Even the couch is sewn with gold. This entire place is filled in with gold. And it is lovely.
Wait! Did you mean that I use my disabilities like crutches to make excuses for being in pain? That's ridiculous. I mean, I certainly don't mind magical thinking, but you can't make something that extreme happen just by imagining it. I'm not imagining it. I'm living in the right now. And, like many disabled people, my right now means having a body and a brain that feel more injured and aged than normal. I talk about this so that others like me understand, so they have answers to questions they are too worried to ask. Sometimes when you approach age thirty it can feel like age sixty, for some of us. That is why I am an activist for certain disabilities and an advocate for certain health treatments.
Oh! Oh, my! Is that also why you're angry at me? Do you believe that I use my medical problems as an excuse to do nothing while I am young? That is the silliest and most untrue thing anyone has ever assumed. Perhaps you should talk to some of my disabled activist friends. They will tell you the same thing. Life is hard for everybody. But it is sometimes a little bit harder for disabled people. We're not special snowflakes. Although snow and cold do sometimes make us hurt more!
Have some more tea. It's very calming. We need to be calm for this fight.
Just let me know when you are ready to fight. I need to do some meditative qi gong exercises to prepare. Just please keep in mind that I would rather we each complete a piece of debate without yelling over each other. It is much more difficult to weave healing gold threads through words."
-Written By A Disabled Gentleman Who Shall Remain Anonymous, And Who Reflects My Exact Thoughts, Feelings, and Personal Beliefs With Incredibly Frightening Accuracy To The Point Where I Could Have Written Most Of This In Various Bits. Not Kidding, I Think This Guy Shares My Writerbrain.

Anyway, speaking of the art of using gold to heal broken things!
http://www.pinterest.com/uberECOcool/kintsugi-saving-broken-ceramics-with-gold/

http://io9.com/5916403/how-to-have-a-near-death-experience
I was technically born this way, three months premature, and it happened again in my neonatal ICU incubator. And it kind of happens a lot throughout my life, especially during times of viciously extreme stress, and during some epileptic seizures. I'm not dying, I don't see gods or magic people, I don't see dead people. But I do see lights and tunnels. And I do touch something outside this reality that is powerful and inexplicable and indescribable. It's fascinating and weird. All I know is that We Are Not Alone. Even if it is merely our higher selves reaching through the universe into Other Places. To quote Babylon 5 ... we are the universe trying to understand itself.
http://www.movietvquotes.com/u/universe_quotes.html

http://io9.com/5916403/how-to-have-a-near-death-experience
I was technically born this way, three months premature, and it happened again in my neonatal ICU incubator. And it kind of happens a lot throughout my life, especially during times of viciously extreme stress, and during some epileptic seizures. I'm not dying, I don't see gods or magic people, I don't see dead people. But I do see lights and tunnels. And I do touch something outside this reality that is powerful and inexplicable and indescribable. It's fascinating and weird. All I know is that We Are Not Alone. Even if it is merely our higher selves reaching through the universe into Other Places. To quote Babylon 5 ... we are the universe trying to understand itself.
http://www.movietvquotes.com/u/universe_quotes.html

"If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume that the light on the wall is God. But the light is not the goal of the search; it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it! Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God, is the byproduct of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do! Or we turn to look at our shadow, and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty - and in all its flaws. And in so doing better understand the world around us."
-G'Kar, Babylon 5: Meditations on the Abyss, Season 5 Episode 14

"If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume that the light on the wall is God. But the light is not the goal of the search; it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it! Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God, is the byproduct of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do! Or we turn to look at our shadow, and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty - and in all its flaws. And in so doing better understand the world around us."
-G'Kar, Babylon 5: Meditations on the Abyss, Season 5 Episode 14

"What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so."

"The Universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice.
The language is not Narn or Human or Centauri or Gaim or Minbari.
It speaks in the language of hope. It speaks in the language of trust.
It speaks in the language of strength, and the language of compassion.
It is the language of the heart and the language of the soul.
But always it is the same voice.
It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us.
And the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born.
It is the small, still voice that says we are One.
No matter the blood, no matter the skin,
No matter the world, no matter the star,
We are One.
No matter the pain, no matter the darkness,
No matter the loss, no matter the fear.
We are One.
Here, gathered together in common cause
We agree to recognize this singular truth and this singular rule:
That we must be kind to one another.
Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us,
And each voice lost diminishes us.
We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation,
The fire that will light the way to a better future.
We are One."

"What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so."

"The Universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice.
The language is not Narn or Human or Centauri or Gaim or Minbari.
It speaks in the language of hope. It speaks in the language of trust.
It speaks in the language of strength, and the language of compassion.
It is the language of the heart and the language of the soul.
But always it is the same voice.
It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us.
And the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born.
It is the small, still voice that says we are One.
No matter the blood, no matter the skin,
No matter the world, no matter the star,
We are One.
No matter the pain, no matter the darkness,
No matter the loss, no matter the fear.
We are One.
Here, gathered together in common cause
We agree to recognize this singular truth and this singular rule:
That we must be kind to one another.
Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us,
And each voice lost diminishes us.
We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation,
The fire that will light the way to a better future.
We are One."

"I believe that there are currents in the universe. Eddies and tides that pull us one way or the other. Some we have to fight, some we have to embrace. Unfortunately, the currents that we have to fight look exactly like the currents we have to embrace. The currents that we think are gonna make us stronger, they're the ones that are going to destroy us, and the ones we think are going to destroy us, they're the ones that are going to make us stronger."

--Vir Cotto to Londo Mollari, when asked if he believed in fate. Babylon 5, Season 2 Episode 3, "The Geometry of Shadows"

"I believe that there are currents in the universe. Eddies and tides that pull us one way or the other. Some we have to fight, some we have to embrace. Unfortunately, the currents that we have to fight look exactly like the currents we have to embrace. The currents that we think are gonna make us stronger, they're the ones that are going to destroy us, and the ones we think are going to destroy us, they're the ones that are going to make us stronger."

--Vir Cotto to Londo Mollari, when asked if he believed in fate. Babylon 5, Season 2 Episode 3, "The Geometry of Shadows"

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on."
- Beryl Pfizer

My leg muscles ache, and my hips ache, and my shoulders ache, and the baseline pain is exactly like a very hot electrical current starting at the base of my spine and moving downward then upward. It's all right. I will be going for a walk later, then some yoga exercises will help stretch out the problems. Soma tonight.