The storms inside, too.

Obvious observation is obvious! We have Weather in Gaithersburg and Rockville. We have pounding rain and howling wind. I needed to mail a letter, so I put on a weather-resistant coat and walked the 90 seconds to the parking lot mailbox and the 90 seconds back to the townhouse. My hair was soaked which I didn't care about; my boots, socks, and jeans got soaked, which I didn't care about. Whatever. Also, yes, we have electricity and everything.

Also, I learned that if you apply a few coats of nail polish, wait five minutes, and then stick your hands in the freezer for five minutes, the polish will dry and harden much faster. Naturally, this may come with risks for people like me, with Raynaud's Disease, fibromyalgia, hypersensitivity, Sensory Processing Disorder, and plain old severe dislike of coldness. However, it works, so I deal with it.

Adam and I went to Wal-Mart yesterday to buy me a back brace, a knee brace, and an elbow brace. And I had... well, a social encounter. I know I'm not supposed to *ahem this is un-PC* Feed The Crazies. But she followed me and yelled at me, and in my mind, feeding her knowledge was the right thing to do.

I was browsing the health and beauty section for my favorite hairbrush, and a woman came up, looked at my cane, looked at me, and said, "So, since you're disabled, who are you voting for?"After a few seconds of blankness, blinking, and turning this phrase over and over, I said, "I am voting for who I want to vote for."
The lady said, "Okay, but do you have kids or do you want kids?" And I said, "No, I am too disabled for pregnancy and I also don't want kids."
The lady said, "Oh, I bet you're one of those people who supports abortion, like if you got pregnant you would kill the baby just because you're selfish and evil."
Again, there were a few seconds of blankness, blinking, and absorbing the phrasing. I said, "Well, I am firmly pro-choice because I believe in the option, ability, and freedom of every human being to make personal decisions on what to do with their own bodies. This includes choosing to keep a pregnancy as well as terminate a pregnancy. I choose to not have a pregnancy due to severe anxiety, phobia, medical problems, and no desire whatsoever to be pregnant. That is my own personal decision. I would not attempt to ever push my personal decision on anyone else."
The lady sneered and said, "So if you got pregnant, you would murder a baby just because you don't feel well and you don't want it. I don't care how handicapped you are, I hope Satan pulls you into hell by his own hand, and God will laugh."
I took a very deep breath. I forced myself to smile. I reached out to the hairbrush rack and grabbed the hairbrush I'd been after, a Goody So Smooth Boar Blends Ceramic Style Brush. I looked at the lady, smiled widely, and said, "Well, it was nice talking to you. I'm off to find my husband. He should have my special braces for my back, knee, and elbow now. Have a good day!"Before she could say another word, I walked off as quickly as my limp and cane allowed.
She did get the last word, though. At the top of her lungs she howled "Sinner. God hates you! He will judge you, cripple! He will hate you for eternity!"
Oh, gods, I wonder what would have happened if I had told her Iwas not religious, ethnically Jewish, and a polytheist pantheist pagan witch.

The amusing part was that every single person within earshot stared at her open-mouthed, and then stared at me, whom she was pointing at. A couple of people walked beside me and said, "Oh, honey, are you okay? We heard everything. We're on your side, you know. That is a beautiful pro-choice argument."
I smiled, relieved, and said, "I'm fine. And it's not so much about choice. It's about ability and freedom, and personal responsibility, no matter how a woman views a pregnancy. Maybe she is right. Maybe I am selfish. But I would rather save my own body and mind, you know?" I was told, "And that's fine. I've never understood how that could be a bad thing. You don't want pregnancies or children. That's not a bad thing. Getting an abortion if you believe it is necessary is not at all a bad thing. I just wish it wasn't such a political issue. Hell, if I had a uterus and a vagina, I would fight for the same thing!" The man gently patted my shoulder and the woman asked if she could hug me. Getting a hug from a kind stranger can be so wonderful.

Finally, I met up with Adam and his cart. I had also bought a bunch of socks, the No Nonsense brand. Super comfort.

I also need to find more Goody So Smooth Boar Blends Boar/Ceramic Styler Brushes. They seem to be rare these days. Goody Also makes this awesome similar brush called Smooth Penetrate Quick Drying Boar Bristle Brush, which us silver instead of brown. Good stuff. I love brushes that blend boar and plastic bristles.
Ooh, and the Body Shop makes a brush with all bamboo brushes, nice and thick Olivia Garden makes a brush with part boar and part bamboo bristles, which I've had for a while, and as long as I keep using my trusty brush cleaner it will last for quite a while.

Oh, I hurt. I hurt so much I don't even want to describe it. But you knew that.

Looking at Hurricane Sandy

I am still terrified of storms.
But for now, there is no thunder. Just wild rain and wind.
I feel safe. Especially with my husband home, and with concerned friends a phone call away.
I always must remind myself: I am considered family by many people. I am so loved and cared for and worried about.
I always say I am fine, but everyone who loves me knows what "fine" means in my brain's language.

The storm will mostly likely pass thoroughly by Wednesday. A relief, since I have a fibromyalgia physical therapy appointment and Adam will most likely be on a job out of state. But for now, we are well. We have plenty of provisions. I do not expect any blackouts and our power lines are underground. But we have flashlights, lamps, candles, and a generator.
And each other. We have each other, and our cats.

Still weather-ing

Mm-hmm. Having one of those "Oh, hey, the weather is totally making me want to curl up under blankets and sob hysterically until the drugs soothe me to sleep." At least this back brace is helping. Also, I am on seizure watch again. Migraines and hypertonic spastic tremors already happened a lot.

Dear everyone: I hope you are well, and safe, and protected.

Klonopin, Baclofen, Soma, and Tramadol are awesome pain management drugs. Passionflower, MSM, NAC, CoQ10, Serrapeptase, Biotin, Shilajit, Noni, Green Coffee, and Mangosteen are awesome pain management supplements.
That is all.

I will be... okay.

We are our friends always

I am about to really really open up here.
Please don't scold me. Please don't smack me. Please don't get upset. Maybe I have said these things before and I forgot.
Please... just listen.

Dear brain science people:
 Does anyone know about temporal lobe epilepsy paired with any comorbid mood disorders, psychiatric disorders, neurological, neurobiological, or neurochemical disorders? I'm not just talking about depression and anxiety. I'm talking about disorders like dysthymia and even cyclothymia.
There are times when psychic talons are grabbing my brain and squeezing and shaking and something deep inside is insisting that nothing I do is worth anything. Now, that may just be major depressive disorder talking, honestly. But right now, as I launch myself into deep medical science studies and talk to doctor after doctor, I do wonder if the Things inside my brain are deeper and darker than I think. It is getting difficult to make myself fully happy.
The people around me, online and in person, who can really make me laugh and be joyful beyond joy... they are so few, and I do not know know to make more friends in person who can do the same. I need my nerds and geeks and artists and writers and and scientists and bookworms and polymaths and comedians, and I feel far too shy and anxious to reach out. The worst they can say is "No, I am busy" and that is fine. That is always completely fine and understood and it is okay.
Sometimes I want to cry and I have no idea what to say. All I can do is write back and forth, like a pen pal. Maybe that is the best way to do this. Just write. So they cannot see and hear me while I cry and while my words become scrambled and tumbled. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What should I do? What should I say?
I want someone to understand why I still want to be Jean Grey when I grow up, even though she always dies.
To repeat: I have spoken to doctors and therapists at length. I am not at liberty to divulge anything right now. Sorry.

Edit:
You know...
Maybe this is another major depressive episode with anxiety. I mean, I did have several seizures, and PMS, and constant fibromyalgia attacks, and my mother keeps pushing me about health issues I'm already working on, and the news is always ridiculous and depressing, yada yada yada...