The Return To Innocence

Another bizarre, color-based fantastic dream last night.
I was walking through a small town full of colors of all kinds. I had my handbag on me and I wondered if I could practice any magic with my cosmetics. However, the eyeshadows from the previous dream were gone.
An older woman came to me and said, "I know what you need. The powders you were using are limited. But these are not. I give these to you as my gift, freely, with no expectations. They belong to you."
She handed me two eyeshadow cases. I recognized them instantly - I own them in the waking world: Too Faced Exotic Color Eye Shadow Singles in Poison Orchid and Midnight Mist. I frowned and stared at her, realizing that her eyelids were painted with a blend of the two. I asked, "Are these stronger?"
"Oh yes," she said. "They heal and harm, create and destroy. Use your finger or a shadow brush. Wear them blended on your eyelids and you are immune to anyone who tries to use magic in a negative or destructive way. Swipe one on each wrist and your own magic will be increased. Wear them any which way you wish and you will be stronger. There is always power in color. Do you wear the red lipcolors that the Art Goddess gave you?"
I tilted my head. "I don't know. I own many red lip shades."
She smiled. Then you probably do. Do you know the names Provocateur, Hot Mama, Pretty Woman, Ruby Slippers, Stiletto Red, Wild?"
"Oh!" I said. "Oh, yes! Buxom and It Cosmetics and Too Faced and Tarte! I always feel drawn to them. Um, pun intended?"
The woman laughed, and her dark blue eyes glowed. "These eyeshadows are Too Faced and the names are no coincidence in this dimension. You come here very often in your dreams." She peered closer at me, nose to nose. "You are wearing Tarte Maracuja Concealer and It Cosmetics Concealer. One day, you will see the true complete beauty, and you may not use so much."
I smirked. "Are you a psychiatrist?"
"Sort of," she laughed. "Empathic witchcraft has advantages. You use color and cosmetics as both enhancement and costume. That is perfect and good. But you must remember that you, as you, are always beautiful."
I took a very deep breath. "It will take a while."
She reached out and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "You will know. You are loved."
It seemed as though she were about to walk away, but she paused and looked at me again. "The Too Faced Lipstick in Stiletto Red and the Tarte Lipstick in Wild. Use them to draw your personal magical symbols where you need on your body, when you come into this dream dimension again. You will understand why once you walk through our town."
I nodded. "And the Too Faced eyeshadows?"
"Oh, you know how they work!" she laughed. "You could even just open them and point them at the sky when you need to destroy your monsters and horrors. Midnight Amethyst and and Midnight Sapphire are designed to work in moonlight, sunlight, and all elements."
I realized that nothing was enigmatic anymore. I started laughing. Behind me, a gateway opened. I stepped back, waving at my companion. She held out one hand, fingers spread wide, and passed a golden-silver stream of light to my hand. I laughed loudly, and the gateway gently wrapped around me and pulled me through. It took a while for me to wake up. I suppose I could call it dream limbo. Light and shadow, color and negative space, filled with serenity.
I will go back. It is my town, after all.



The makeup in this photo:
Too Faced Exotic Single Eyeshadow in Poison Orchid, Midnight Mist
It Cosmetics Hello Lashes Volume Growth Mascara
It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Butter Gloss in Ruby Slippers
Tarte Maracuja Creaseless Concealer

Front facing smartphone cameras with anti-shake technologies are so freaking awesome for disabled people!

People ask. I try to answer.
The most common question: What will help treat my [acne, blemishes, eczema, dryness, rash, inflammation, rosacea, psoriasis, oiliness/dehydration, chapping, chafing, fine lines, insert skin condition] skin problems?
The best answers I can give:

http://bluefeathersoap.com/medicinals.htm
(Medicated Goo)
http://www.felicitybathsoaps.com/herbal-salves-2
(Psoriasis/Eczema Salve)
http://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.html
(Signature Silk)
http://www.peaceofnature.biz/BODY.html
(Soothing Body Butter)
http://www.econaturalsoap.com/wrinkle-relief-balm-crows-feet-smile-lines-laugh-lines/
(Everything Relief Balm)
https://store.abbeystclare.com/skin-care/rice-olives-cleansing-and-facial-serum-amazing-skin-treatment-melts-away-eye-makeup.html
(Sea Buckthorn Frankincense Serum)
http://stores.walk-in-beauty.net/-strse-79/Sun-Protective-Lotion-/Detail.bok
(Sunscreen and Wrinkle Protection)
http://www.petalpusherfancies.com/products/live-enzyme-scentless-deodorant
(Yes, it can be used as a moisturizer, yes I am serious)

Naturally, there will be more questions. There are always more questions.

Forgot who asked the question, but here's my answer:

My favorite drugstore lipstick is Revlon ColorBurst Lip Butter (Red Velvet and Cherry Tart). Even though it contains hybrid petrolatum, it contains enough moisturizing butters, oils, waxes, and peptides to make it fantastic. My favorite drugstore lipgloss is Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lipgloss (Cherry Twist and Berry Blend). It contains supreme botanical oils and peptides and is amazing. My other favorite drugstore lipgloss is Physician's Formula Plump Potion (Clear).
As for lip balms, my favorite drugstore lip balms are Mission Skincare Mega Balm Lip Refresher balms (Acai Lemonade, Blueberry Pomegranate) and Blistex Cold & Allergy Lip Soother. If the drugstore offers Badger Balm, I love Poetic Pomegranate, Mocha Cocoa, Red Jasper Tint, Cuticle Care, and After Sun Balm. I would include Burt's Bees acai and mango balms, but the brand is overrated in my eyes.
Something very specific and exclusive to CVS that I use as a lip balm is Nuance Salma Hayek Smoothing Anti-Aging Eye Cream. It smells and tastes very good and feels great on my lips. I love when I can use one product for multiple purposes.

I am also insanely in love with It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush products in Pretty Woman, Love Story (lipstick), and In Love (lip butter), which I get from the websites ItCosmetics and Drugstore.

And there is also Buxom Full-Bodied Lipgloss in Hot Mama and Hey Baby which I can get at Sephora. And also BareMinerals Natural Lipstick in Red Zin and Passion Fruit and BareMinerals Amazing Lipcolor in Bravado and Courage.

Also, when I have the money, I like to really splurge on good lip balms. My current favorite splurges are KaplanMD Lip 20 Balm Ultra Hydrating Treatment, and EnvyDerm Intensive Lip Renewal Therapy, which are sold by the website Dermstore. The ingredients are worth it and the balms last forever anyway. 

I decided to rearrange my talisman jewelry into what works best: two amber bracelets, honey and lemon, plus a multi-color tourmaline bracelet on the left wrist, and a citrine yellow jade bracelet on the right wrist. Around my neck, a pendant that includes the Ouroboros pendant with the honey amber cabochon, the wand made up of selenite, kyanite, black tourmaline, and copper wrapping, plus tiny beads of green tourmaline and citrine. I feel very balanced and energized now.







I have tiny wrists, so my jeweler friends made all the bracelets in a size 5, which I've been told is normally reserved for children.
My main motive for the gemstone bracelets is to force my brain to be aware of my left side, which is why the left arm has three bracelets. The citrine jade bracelet is heavier, but feels perfect on my right wrist. The yellow and gold stones are all connected by another stone made of tiny citrine stones that sparkle happily. Citrine and yellow jade are both full of positive power and soothing energy.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/citrine.htm
http://www.crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysical_healing/stoneinfo/citrine.html
http://www.jewelsforme.com/citrine-powers.asp
http://www.charmsoflight.com/jade-healing-properties.html
http://www.crystalvaults.com/pages/crystal_encyclopedia/jade.php
http://prosites-slaz.homestead.com/healing_stones_jade_lemon.html

Of course, then there is the Australian crystal opal ring that my mother gave me, and the silver wire-wrapped ring with blue kyanite and lepidolite.
http://www.charmsoflight.com/lepidolite-healing-properties.html
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lepidolite.htm
http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/lilac-lepidolite.html
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/kyanite.htm
http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/blue-kyanite.html
http://www.charmsoflight.com/kyanite-healing-properties.html

Kyanite and Citrine are the two gemstones that never need cleansing, too.

Every time I fall down in screaming tears and think, "What is the gods damned fucking point? Why do I even bother? Why does it even fucking matter? Why do I fucking matter? Fuck this..."
...things happen to turn everything around and help me realized just how much I am loved, treasured, adored, appreciated, wanted, needed, desired, admired. I am fun to be with. My company is enjoyed.

I feel better now.

I mean... I feel physically awful, because of the cerebral palsy spasticity exploding everywhere and also the fibromyalgia sneak attack that had me sobbing shakily while desperately swallowing Baclofen and Tramadol with coffee. Oh, it took a while before I felt human.

But, you know... I feel better. Because I am loved.

And now, cosmetics babbling, because it is what I do sometimes.

On my fingernails: Sally Hansen Nailgrowth 'Mighty Mauve' with its golden lavender blush seashell glimmering shine.
On my lips: Buxom Full Bodied Lipgloss 'Hot Mama' with its shining scarlet blood shimmer.
On my eyes: Buxom Insider Eyeliner 'Black Jasper' with its metallic black shimmer, as well as BareMinerals High Shine 'Electric' with its metallic deep teal shimmer.
On my face: Tarte Maracuja Concealer 'Light' with its intense gentle light diffusing full coverage.

I am exhausted and filled with emotional fatigue and physical agony, but I know I look pretty. I can look at my face in a mirror and growl and purr like a dragon and feel practically regal.

I feel so weird wearing opaque neutral pure pink lipstick. I'm so used to rich, dark, deep, neutral to warm reds with undertones of pink and rose and berry and brown. You know, like blood, or fake blood used in vampire films (I own shades called Fire Down Below, Shanghai Express, Flamenco, Stiletto Red, Super Star, Hot Mama, Va Va Voom, Italian Ice, Red Zin, Temptress, Chanteuse, Pretty Woman, Cherry Twist).
Well, daring is as daring does, right?
http://www.truelynatural.com/pure-color-solid-p-430.html (Duchess)
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Being-TRUE-Pure-Lip-Color-Lipstick-DUCHESS-Neutral-Pink-New-in-Box-/370637332788?pt=US_Makeup_Lips&hash=item564bb4e134

I am writing this revealing post because my Psychic Quantum Consciousness smacked me with Get Well (apply directly to the forehead) and I am finally feeling human. Ish?

My nap refreshed me slightly. So did pain drugs and herbs.
Then I decided to paint my nails twice over: first with Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Polish in Divine Wine and then with Revlon Top Speed Polish in Dress Code.
The Nailgrowth formula will help my nails grow stronger (biotin, peptides, chondroitin, keratin, silk powder). The Top Speed formula will help my nails stay healthy (minerals, gemstone powders, vitamins, silk powder, keratin).
My nails are shimmery metallic dark violet, with shimmery golden dark red bleeding through beneath. I was surprised by the beauty of Dress Code, which is much more purple than Decadent (indigo violet) and more shimmery. Revlon is really good with nail colors. The fascinating thing is how the dark red and dark violet shades are merging as the polishes finish drying. (I am also pretty sure "Dress Code" may also be named "Violet" as the Revlon site does not have a polish color called Dress Code in the Top Speed line, but the shade Violet looks exactly like Dress Code.)
http://www.drugstore.com/sally-hansen-nailgrowth-miracle-nail-color-divine-wine/qxp348841?catid=196092
http://www.drugstore.com/revlon-top-speed-fast-dry-nail-enamel-violet-670/qxp331984?catid=183598
I had also applied makeup this afternoon, since brightening concealer used as foundation and dark red lipgloss made me look a little less ill and exhausted. I felt like an alien, but a pretty alien.

Beautiful colors do help take my mind of how terrible I am feeling.
Eventually I will stop feeling terrible and start feeling, um, in less pain? and now I am finally, finally starting to climb out of this bizarre depressive episode that has been like a rabbit hole lined with steel thorns.
Combined with one of the most severe fibromyalgia attacks in recent months or even years plus attacks from the various sydromes associated with spastic ataxic cerebral palsy, the depression shattered me for quite a while. I am deeply grateful that it began lifting just as I desperately wanted to lie on my psychic battlefield in a deep pool of my own psychic blood, too tired and too drained to keep fighting, willing to let my pain monsters grab me and take me like a trophy to wherever they live when not hunting. I didn't feel alarmed enough to call my doctors, I just felt desperate to sleep for a day straight until I felt human again. I honestly don't know what it's like to feel so darkly depressed, but I would probably admit I was getting fairly close.

All I can say is that I really am feeling better, covered in sunlight and moonlight with healing powers, since I am a witch and a pagan after all. And I can thank every friend I have for helping me, whether they knew it or not. And I can also thank my Higher Brain and my Subconscious combined, which I like to call the Psychic Quantum Consciousness, because quantum brains are cool.

See this entry for various explanations and stuff: http://brightrosefox.livejournal.com/1570608.html

When there is darkness in front of me, there is light at my back, even if I cannot see it. If the darkness surrounds me and melts into me, so does the light, even if I cannot feel it. I always try to find my light, even if I have no idea where to start.

I have been so psychically tired. So fatigued. So exhausted. Today I got a wonderful day-long energy boost from supplements like yerba mate and green coffee extract, containing small amounts of caffeine that were smooth enough to help me without side effects. However, the fatigue and exhaustion were very mental and emotional. Depression is horrid. This will end, with help and remedy and treatment. But it is still horrid, and it will return, and even though I will always stand guard and fight, I get more and more beaten down.

Replenishing myself can be fun, exciting, fascinating, and weird in all manner of ways, since I love all sorts of reclusive nerd and geek activities, certain books and songs and films and and television series that entertain me over and over without boredom or annoyance. I can watch every episode of "Futurama" and "My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic" and "Babylon 5" and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and most of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and "Firefly", read every Seanan McGuire book, listen to certain songs, watch movies like "Boondock Saints" and "The Princess Bride" and "Serenity" over and over and over until words are cemented into my mind and I am babbling character quotes everywhere.

I am so very relieved for the pharmaceutical pills and supplement pills that I can take every day, plus exercises and meditative techniques that really do help me despite what people think.
I am constantly astounded every time someone says, "Wow, are you still having problems? I thought that treatment was supposed to help already! Why isn't that pill working yet?" Etc. Oh, lovelies. No, those treatments and pills have been working and helping. You just haven't seen how. You can't see inside me. The treatments just aren't working the way you think they should, that's all. They work slowly, they sometimes fail because nothing is perfect, and quite often they need to reroute around my severely damaged brain processing, which desperately needs a special reboot. Maybe hypotherapy, something non-drug to really rewire and reconnect that dying and the dead inside my neurology.
And so my fighting continues, and I wash the psychic blood off so often that I am either raw or glowing.
It echoes my outside a little, the way I care for my skin, the way I wear careful cosmetics. How my distorted body image penetrates so deep that I cannot look at myself to see what others see. But I am trying, my lovelies. I really am. I am always doing my best.

Today, I applied a nail polish called Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Divine Wine. Love it. Divine Wine is a dark, dark wine red, more red than wine. Ruby or crimson or pomegranate red. Very shiny, fairly shimmery. Plus, the varnish itself actually contains nail-strengthening ingredients, like biotin and keratin and peptides and chondroitin, so it could essentially help nails grow stronger and quicker, which is awesome. This pleases me.
My fingers look bloody and gorgeous. The color reminds me very much of a darker version of Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lip Gloss in Cherry Twist. Or maybe It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, which is a very deep, dark bloody cherry brownish berry red, which I am wearing in most of my profile photos.
A nice bing cherry red with slight gold shimmer. Dark red like cherries or pomegranates or movie blood or maybe really dark red wine, not purple but maybe with brown and pink undertones.
The varnish got all over my cuticles and I look like a baby vampire who got too excited with a first feed. There are streaks of colors on my left palm and thumb and index finger ad my right pinky finger, and it's sort of deep pinkish red with tiny sparkles.
I cannot stop staring at my fingers. So shimmery. So red. I want to drink pomegranate juice mixed with wine. I want to cover myself with healing energy, defensive energy, all the power I can find, the colors of the elements and blood and the sky and magic and the universe itself.

And so, I am a warrior princess pixie dragon girl who will always be around when someone needs help or advice. I will always lend a hand, a shoulder, a spear, a sword, a shield, a flame, a cane, a crutch, a pair of wings. I will never stop. It is what I do. It is what I am.