The Return To Innocence

Because I can never recall the actual daily Pain and pain relieving supplements off the top of my head that I personally take:
MSM, Pau D'Arco, Sangre de Drago, Sea Buckthorn, Vinpocetine, Nymphaea Caerulea, Serrapeptase, Noni extract, Mangosteen extract, Cayenne extract, Kava extract, Passionflower, Ashwagandha, L-Tyrosine.
There we go!

(Disclaimer: My body is not your body. My pain is not your pain. My chemistry is not your chemistry. My neurology is not your neurology. Your mileage may vary.
If you choose to research these supplements, and especially if you choose to take any of these supplements be reasonable, rational, and cautious. These supplements may not work for you the way they work for me. They may not work at all.
If you wish to purchase and test any of these supplements, I suggest the following websites: SwansonVitamins.com, Vitacost.com, PuritansPride.com, which all make quality products that I trust. I am not responsible for anything except what I type and say.
Please do not ask me simple questions that Google can answer, such as "What does this/that supplement do and how and why?" If you are unable to do a Google search, tell me why and I shall provide links. However, I am not a medical practitioner and I only study holistic medicine as a hobby. I do not know everything. It is your responsibility to do your own research and make your own decisions. However, I am happy to answer questions about how these supplements have worked with me, why, how, etc. Please holistically drug yourself responsibly.)

Well, I am still feeling that bizarre euphoric buzzing all over. My brain is sparking all over. Tiny baby neural pathways are weaving and dancing around dead and damaged parts to form brand new tinier baby pathways. I can see them. I can feel them. Blue and purple in all shades. Each with its own sense of emotional self and frequency. Which is the point. I am still feeling symptoms of chronic pain and all. But I am starting to form this conscious communication with the whole consciousness in my body, which I have never done before. This is after just one session of craniosacral therapy with Feldenkrais Method. The therapist said to grab on and hold that feeling for as long as possible, try to direct it, keep communicating, keep listening. No fear, no worry, no fighting, no anger, no judgement, no upset, no anxiety. No judgement. Just let go. Just let be. I am going to do my best.

From now on, whenever someone suggests I try a method they think will work, I will thank them and smile, and it doesn't matter if I never try their method or take their advice. Nothing will matter except listening and communicating and understanding and knowing the inside of myself. Because I've been there. That's where I went during that altered state. Pulsing blood vessels and veins and fibrous tissue and muscles and skin and bones and brain matter and and and everywhere. I can't come back from that without being changed or altered. I'm more ME than I think I have ever been.

I will always have these disabilities. Craniosacral and Feldenkrais therapies will not make them go away. But the therapies will allow me to work with MYSELF, deeply, powerfully, intensely. And that is all I want. I don't care about finding a cure or being fixed anymore. Maybe one day... it will just happen on its own. Just because. I'm not waiting for that day.
I'm just going to live. And communicate. Hello, body. A pleasure to meet you.

https://www.change.org/petitions/chairman-murphy-and-ranking-member-degette-stop-threatening-the-hipaa-rights-of-people-with-psychiatric-disabilities
To quote a dear friend:
"I am a fully-functioning human being, mentally ill people pose NO greater threat to society than non-mentally-ill people, and we are entitled to exactly the same protections as every other person. Do not discuss these issues without allowing mentally ill people to educate you. Do not discuss these issues until and unless you are aware that mentally ill people are more likely to be the VICTIMS of violence than the perpetrators. Inform yourselves and actually talk to the people involved. Don't bring your own preconceived ideas to the table, call them fact, and suggest policy based on them. That's inhumane AND unlawful."

And I would like to add:
There are very different types of crazy. What I call Hollywood Crazy or Hollywood Mental Illness is usually the kind that is an exaggerated version of a disorder that is seen as a danger to oneself and others. There are people out there so terrified of this that even if they are mentally ill, they will refuse to say anything because ignorant family members might see them as Hollywood Crazy (see: "I am not crazy! I have never been crazy! Don't call me crazy!" often intoned with an air of fear, upset, prejudice.) And in those minds, Hollywood Crazy might mean commitment to a ward or facility, which is often seen as a terrible thing, not a helpful healing thing. We seriously need to change how we view mental illness and mental disability. There are so many people living with a form of mental illness who absolutely refuse any sort of treatment purely out of fear of ridicule, shunning, disconnection from family, even forced unnecessary commitment to hospitals. We need to show them that the stigma is human, driven by fear that breeds hate, and that there is no shame or fear in getting some sort of treatment.

***

Dear pharmaceutical drugs: I know people hate you and think you are poison, but I just wanted to tell you that I greatly appreciate your role in saving my life.
I will always balance you with holistic remedies, allopathic medicine, and whole body treatments. But I will always be grateful for the way you have helped me feel better, and even normal, under certain standards. I am one of those people who rarely experience the various side effects listed - which really, are simply issues reported by test patients during trials, which may or may not actually affect anyone. It took me years to realize that. After all, many, many pharmaceutical drugs were initially derived and synthesized from plants, foods, and botanicals. I am not sure about recent years, but chemistry is chemistry.
I do not participate in the stigma and hate toward you. Of course, I am only speaking for myself and my personal experiences. I know so many people who really have been poisoned and "screwed up" because their chemistry reacted very badly to certain medicines, causing extreme side effects that led to even worse conditions. I cannot speak for them. But I can speak for me. And all I can do is be grateful.
One day, I will taper down until I need only very small dosages of the drugs I am taking. That may be years from now. I will still need to take certain drugs for the rest of my life However, for the time being, I am perfectly fine with the pills I take. I cannot say that for anyone else - I am not anyone else.
I am always sad when I learn that so many other patients cannot handle certain medications or become worse due to negative side effects - that is horrific.
Yet as long as no one tries to convince me personally that my life would be better if I quit all my essential medications, I will nod and agree that we take too many prescriptions as a whole, and that negative side effects can be absolutely terrifying and can lead to worse problems. I wish there were more patients like me, who are are able to handle drugs without intense side effects.
And now I shall take the supplements that I take daily, to help balance the pharmaceuticals. Because the supplements work for me. And that is a completely separate debate for another post.

Oh, hell, might as well do that post now.
Depending on who you talk to, supplements and holistic medicine and alternative remedies are either the best thing and the only thing, or absolute bullshit and placebos. And then there are those who regard supplements as exactly that - supplemental. Alternative. Balancing. No big deal.
I grew up on vitamins and supplements, only being given pharmaceuticals when necessary. Now that I need to take over half a dozen pharmaceutical pills daily, I balance them as best I can with vitamins and supplements.
There are plenty of sick patients who are physically unable to take supplements and alternative treatments, as their bodies and brains completely reject or don't respond at all to said medicines. Which is why I bristle whenever someone insists that pharmaceuticals are all poison and only supplements and natural medicines are the way to treat illness. Nobody is the same. Everybody is different. What works for me may not work for you. People don't seem to understand this. People may never understand this.

And here, I submit a full list of every single diagnosis ever made in my life, and here I submit a full list of pharmaceutical medications and supplemental medicines, stored in both my Facebook Notes section and a document in Word.

( Read more... )

And now, time for the daily supplements that I take daily because they work for me.

Also, I am on slightly higher doses of drugs to ease the migraine, the anxiety, the OCD, the ADD, the potential return of depression and seizures, the spasticity, and the dreaded lumbar pain. So if anyone tries to talk to me, my voice or fingers may argl blarg wagl mluh. Just a little.

Feels amazing, though.

See, this is what happens when a person with true chronic pain takes her medication in proper doses when she actually needs the higher doses that were recommended by doctors. As in, "if you need a second dose, please take that dose, and don't try to pretend you can just push through your major chronic pains, because I have prescribed you these drugs at these doses at these pill amounts for a reason, which is for pain. It's fantastic that you take alternative remedies, but if you need these pain drugs which I have prescribed, you should probably take these pain drugs which I have prescribed, especially at the suggested dosages, and damn anyone who scolds you." (Seriously, this was what my pain specialist nurse told me, word for word.)

As holistic and supplemental as I prefer, I will punch anyone who accuses me of being potentially addicted to pharmaceuticals, since without them I would be screaming a lot. So, yeah, I love you, don't make me punch you. I am still hoping for telekinesis.
I'm off to take some supplements too, by the way. I hope that makes you happy.
 

And yet another email from a well-meaning stranger who insists that if only I would stop all my medications and eat certain foods for the rest of my life, I would be completely healed and all my disabilities would vanish. Ah, willful ignorance, my nemesis, we meet again.
Dear Idiot: If you happen to read this, allow me to correct your incredible errors. No one should ever attempt stop any prescription medication without consulting their doctors. No food or combination of foods can cure medical conditions that began with brain damage from birth. It is extremely important to eat a healthy, balanced, fresh, whole diet. Such nutrition will absolutely have a positive effect on overall health, immunity, and various bodily functions. Such nutrition will even contribute to the body's own amazing healing powers. However, to claim that food, and food alone, is the one and only necessary treatment for every conceivable ailment is irresponsible, ignorant, and stupid.
Trust me, I get where you're coming from. I was raised for twenty years on supplements, herbs, vitamins, fresh food, exercise, and the occasional pill to deal with a temporary ailment. I didn't touch a long-term pharmaceutical drug until my late twenties. And do you know what happened when I did? It changed my life. Certain drugs began to control my seizures, anxiety, depression, nerve pain, muscle tension, body spasms, and other major neurological and physical disabilities. I had no idea how wonderful modern "Big Pharma" could be when it was applied responsibly. You see, I had spent so long believing in the mantra of "Big Pharma Is Evil" that I ignored dozens of symptoms and attempted to heal myself with supplements and holistic treatments that did not help in the ways I actually needed. I scoffed at suggestions of prescription drugs. I snarled at the thought of being on long term painkiller drugs. How could I? I would never trust that awful killer Big Pharma! Guess what? I was a complete idiot. I was so stupid that I let myself go on for years with symptoms and syndromes building up until I had no more choice - I had to get professional help.
I am forever grateful for the pharmaceutical drugs that I take. They really did save my life. But hey, I will never, ever tell anyone that they should do what I did, either go totally holistic or totally pharmaceutical. I believe so strongly in the balance of the two things that I still take my supplements and alternative treatments every day. I make sure that every herb, vitamin, food, and exercise works as well as possible with my "evil scary Big Pharma drugs." This has been such a beautiful thing for me that I plan on doing in until I die.
Yes, my symptoms still flare on a regular basis. Yes, often the only thing that soothes my pains and aches and twitches are those pharmaceutical drugs. But do you know what I will never want? I would never want anyone to hear my story and assume that they can live with a disease, disorder, or illness and heal themselves just by eating a bunch of fruit. As much as I love all that fruit, I eat it as food and as supplemental medicine. I live in the 21st century, in an age of powerful medicines; I can eat all the roots, leaves, powders, elixirs, fruits, and vegetables I want, but that will not cure any of my medical conditions. I accept that and I embrace that.
And here's an amazing fact: Many of those evil, scary pharmaceutical medicines were extracted and synthesized from good old food, herbs, plants, trees, coral reefs, and all sorts of glorious, fantastic things found in nature. Isn't that wonderful? Sure, a great deal of sciencey things happen to turn nature into drugs. But without nature, we would not have medicine. So don't you fucking dare tell me how I should treat my health conditions. If I wanted to ask, I would have asked. And you could have just made a kind suggestion. I probably would have thanked you and smiled and done some research. So be nice. Typing this whole thing out took some time. And now, if you will excuse me, I need to take a painkiller to ease the fiery pain in my hands and wrists.
Thank you for reading. I wish you good health for all your days.

You know, this makes a lot of sense for me, seeing as how I was deprived of oxygen at birth which led to brain damage and brain cell death and brain tissue death, which led to so many problems; and now my mother is recommending a doctor who specializes in this sort of thing, and now I think I am willing to be a canary or guinea pig. Although I think the website could be cleaned up a bit. It kind of shouts at me. And I shall remain skeptical of everything until I personally try it. We shall see.
http://www.majidali.com/oygenand.htm
Also, this one.
http://www.fibromyalgiahope.com/fibromyalgia-nutrition.html
Also, this one.
http://jintmed.org/Fibromyalgia%20ODD.htm

In general, there will never be an absolute "cure" for this syndrome currently called fibromyalgia. But I do believe strongly that its symptoms can be calmed, reversed, even put into a small remission of sorts. I cannot and shall not speak for anyone else who suffers from this condition. However, I will chronicle my own journey to see who and what can possibly ease my symptoms and bring about comfort in the best way possible.

Besides: I imagine that it's not exactly like that for everyone, that specific patients have specific personal needs. Best to find out what works for each of us; I've never been great at following exact instructions and models, anyway. Translation: Your Mileage May Vary. :)

And now, to meditate and reflect before bed.

These are the songs that I dance to when I must dance away my pain or be carried away screaming. I cannot explain why these pieces affect me the way they do. But to me, these pieces of music help me break free when I am trapped, burning, frozen, flayed, tortured, locked, electrocuted, and drowned by my own central nervous system, musculoskeletal system, and neuromuscular system.
So, yeah. That.
So, I dance, even if it's only in my head.

These are the songs that I dance to when I must dance away my pain or be carried away screaming. I cannot explain why these pieces affect me the way they do. But to me, these pieces of music help me break free when I am trapped, burning, frozen, flayed, tortured, locked, electrocuted, and drowned by my own central nervous system, musculoskeletal system, and neuromuscular system.
So, yeah. That.
So, I dance, even if it's only in my head.

Well, I just did a full qigong workout that I haven't done since I was sixteen. I guess you really don't forget. The migraine is still here, but I expected that. Twenty minutes of meditative exercise won't solve anything the first time. I do feel much more refreshed and peaceful, so goal achieved.

Now for some Greek yogurt with honey, a dose of codeine with a muscle relaxant, a bowl of pasta, and a Futurama marathon on Netflix. (Contrary to what my friends have said, I am not obsessed with Futurama. Hopelessly in love with and prone to quoting random episodes, absolutely. But I only watch the show. A lot. What TV shows do you watch until you can quote entire musical numbers? *coughRobotDevilcough*)

Also, the tree hug pose in qigong and taijiquan is great for the lower back.

Also, my migraine is once again playing tactile dubsteb with my skull for a pain party that I can't stop. It's toe-tappingly tragic. (Adam says I am this much Dr. Zoidberg and this much Amy Farrah Fowler and that's why he loves me - I have a weird sense of good comedic timing. Yay!)

Well, I just did a full qigong workout that I haven't done since I was sixteen. I guess you really don't forget. The migraine is still here, but I expected that. Twenty minutes of meditative exercise won't solve anything the first time. I do feel much more refreshed and peaceful, so goal achieved.

Now for some Greek yogurt with honey, a dose of codeine with a muscle relaxant, a bowl of pasta, and a Futurama marathon on Netflix. (Contrary to what my friends have said, I am not obsessed with Futurama. Hopelessly in love with and prone to quoting random episodes, absolutely. But I only watch the show. A lot. What TV shows do you watch until you can quote entire musical numbers? *coughRobotDevilcough*)

Also, the tree hug pose in qigong and taijiquan is great for the lower back.

Also, my migraine is once again playing tactile dubsteb with my skull for a pain party that I can't stop. It's toe-tappingly tragic. (Adam says I am this much Dr. Zoidberg and this much Amy Farrah Fowler and that's why he loves me - I have a weird sense of good comedic timing. Yay!)