The Return To Innocence

Because part of All The Therapy is blogging my feels. And this was short enough anyway.

'kay.

I'm having a Being Elsa day. My symptoms are awful and well beyond control, and the smallest thing triggers the fibromyalgia pain and the mild C-PTSD symptoms. I cannot even hear or read someone speak from the cult of positive thinking without internal screaming.

I've seen many other friends here having similar issues. I'm not dealing with a terminal disease, but said terminal friends keep reminding me that we are all "In This Together" (that's my current ringtone. It's from Apoptygma Berserk).

I admit, the Being Elsa days seem to counter the Being Alice days (Being Alice is my code for epilepsy, seizures, and postictal aka post seizure state. Being Elsa is a new code for mental illness and neurological disorders including all chronic anxiety, social phobia, chronic stress disorders aka complex post traumatic stress disorder, sensory processing disorders, and some co-existing conditions linked to spastic ataxic cerebral palsy).
That was much words but I was born full of words. I blow word raspberries.

I totally do have gleefully joyful fun talking about my medical history. Interested friends have told me that I tend to discuss it clinically and technically, as though describing a patient who is not myself. I've been told that my medical and scientific wordening as a curious patient has helped fellow chronic illness patients examine their own conditions closely to find ways to help treat specific symptoms. That is such an honor.

Anyway. Is anyone else having their own version of a Being Elsa day?

(Alice is from Alice in Wonderland and Elsa is from Frozen. Because of what happens to them. Etc. I actually still have not seen Frozen all the way through yet. I will, obviously, and it will be many times. But I relate desperately well to Elsa, her hidden aspects, her representing disability, autism, childhood abuse, chronic anxiety, PTSD, personal orientations, and her love for a sister beyond a potential unnecessary husband. I only have chosen sisters and I love them so hard like the stars.)

Hmm. Still heavily outlining the second novel.
Clara no longer has a healing factor; she has quantum phasing - aka phase shift, intangibility ghosting, limited Kitty Pryde power. Amber has a more specific type of telepathy, which connects more with quantum consciousness than actual thoughts - aka soul communication, extreme telempathy, spirit communication, highly limited Rachel Grey power; and Amber's telekinesis is far more developed, including limited healing touch and limited emotional healing on others, which can weaken her without shielding or channeling, but still limited Rachel Grey power.
Clara's hypermobility and joint pain symptoms eases during her phase shifts. Amber's cerebral palsy with its comorbid syndromes eases during any major psychokinetic procedure, but once they're finished, the pain hits them twice as hard, leaving them weakened for at least several hours.
I like that enough to work with it. *nod* But I need advice, opinions, and consultations to make sure I'm Doing It Right. For example, since both Amber and Clara hace mild autisms, I have to wonder how their perceptions are affected by their powers.

Also! Thoughts on surnames. Since Clara has full Indian heritage on her father's side, her surname will be probably Atma (and her mother has Siberian and Swedish heritage). Since Amber has full Greek heritage on her father's side, her surname will probably be Spiro ( and her mother has Norwegian and Hungarian heritage). "Soul" and "Spirit" as meanings seem to work for me. I'm not sure if I want them hyphenated or separate.

At the start of the story, they've been legally married for just under one year and are in their late twenties, share a birthday one year apart, and have family members with disabilities and superpowers. Amber is on SSDI but is works part-time at Clara's office, which is (for now) Transdimensional Research and Exploration. Clara and Amber are among the very few paranormals who can open and enter the interdimensional portals without harm. I'm going to be focusing on one or two alternative worlds, perhaps a Fae dimension and an astral plane.

Sometimes I see Amber and Clara as Deanna Troi and Will Riker, a version of Imzadi for life, on and off for so many years before finally just saying "fuck it" and getting married and embracing their intense connections. This novel takes place well after the wedding but I plan on doing flashbacks.

Writing. Writing. Breathing. Breathing. Calming. Calming.

Many thoughts. Many Worlds Theory, indeed.

A wild anxiety attack. The beginnings of a migraine. Muscles actually feeling loose and relaxed in a fabulous way, which is probably in part due to the baclofen and tramadol, but close enough. A twinge of ulnar nerve entrapment. Some right knee swelling. A bit of hemiparesis. Some eczema and xeroderma itchiness. The beginnings of a mild major depression episode.

I will go snuggle my cats as much as they will allow. Several online acquaintances just dealt with the deaths of their cats (some peacefully in sleep, some hurried to the emergency vet). Sometimes I force myself to imagine what would happen if Jupiter, Luna, or Rose died. Owning a cat is owning a tragedy waiting to happen, as my parents say. But love... love lasts. Loving a cat is beyond anything in the universe.

I'm still reading "The Night Circus" by Erin Morgenstern. It is so beautiful. I still need to finish less heavy books, like "Between" by Kerry Schafer, "Dead Ever After" by Charlaine Harris, "The Darkest Kiss" by Gena Showalter, a new copy of "The Tower And The Hive" by Anne McCaffrey (all my Rowan series books have fallen apart by now), "The Winter Oak" by James Hetley, "Twilight's Dawn" by Anne Bishop. I'll probably get some kind of inspiration for stagnant stories somewhere.

Speaking of stories and characters, I've quickly fallen in love with Amber Kass and Clara Kim even more than with Dana Ryan and Ian Morgan - and Dana and Ian as a couple have been with me since my teen years. Sometimes I see Amber and Clara as Deanna Troi and Will Riker, a version of Imzadi for life, on and off for so many years before finally just saying "fuck it" and getting married and embracing their intense connections. This story takes place years after the wedding but I plan on doing many flashbacks. It will probably just turn into a big novel. That is fine.

Writing. Writing. Breathing. Breathing. Calming. Calming.

http://io9.com/5916970/the-22-rules-of-storytelling-according-to-pixar
I have astounded myself by realizing how many of these tips I have NOT been following. And that realization has now crystallized in my skull and now I know so much better and now I know everything I want to do.
Dude. Whoa.

However, endings are easier than middles for me. I have the worst problems getting from Start to End. I've had my novel's ending in my head for years, but the problem with writing a novel is that there has to be that Middle so other people know why the End happens.
Characters are easy. My college thesis was the first three chapters of that novel, on which I got the highest grade, and I was praised for how the story centered so much around characters in a future world where some technologies needed explaining, although at this point not really, because every single 22nd century technology I wrote about in 2001 has already happened, except the cars that drive automatically, although I'm waiting. Also, the fact that my story's 22nd century science is already happening means I am not creative in the least with science fiction. Which is why I never like to write about brand new technology, which is why I would be shuffled into a future fantasy subgenre and also a slipstream speculative subgenre, even though most the stories would always take place after the end of the 21st century and there would always be psionics involved which is still considered a trope of science over fantasy fiction.
http://io9.com/5671816/why-doesnt-more-fantasy-take-place-in-the-future
http://www.writing-world.com/sf/genres.shtml

So, yeah.

Today so far has been a day of "Let's drug Joanna up with opiates, anaglesics, muscoloskeletal relaxants, caffeine, migraine remedies, skin hydrators, itch relief, cramp relief, nausea relief, anti-fatigue supplements, and focusing supplements."
I woke up at 11:30, felt sick, took a very long shower with very hot water, took half an hour to get dressed, then fell back onto the bed, where a cat inevitably sat on me and licked my face.
I went inside my brain to talk to my Frontal Lobe, represented by a stern, petite Eastern European woman with sharp cheekbones, multi-colored eyes, pouty lips, bronze skin, calico hair, sturdy curves, long hands, a sloped nose, and a deep voice.
"What about food?" I asked. "My digestive system is being uncooperative right now."
"I know," she said. "Go get that high-calorie nutrient-dense smoothie you bought at Fresh Market and then make an acai smoothie when you're ready. Later, try some plain cheddar and soup. I had a conference with the medulla oblongata about that. Don't take anything for the digestive stuff, by the way."
"You sure? Because you know the amygdala and I..."
"Yes, yes. But I mean it. You can drink some Pepto Bismol if you really want, but you need that nutrition. Go pick those cherry tomatoes out back, too. And the water. Keep drinking the moringa water and the sea buckthorn tea."
"Did the medulla oblongata tell you that?"
"Yes. Every part tells me everything."
I paused. "Can... can you make me hurt less?"
She bit her lower lip. "Well... see, the nociceptors tend to have minds of their own. Like teenagers and toddlers rebelling and tantruming. Well, also like adults tantruming. Have you ever seen a grown person throw a tantrum?"
"Of course. It's embarrassing."
"So... I can team up with some of my other parts to try. But keep in mind that considering our massive damage and dead parts, there is only so much we can do. But we can make sure to help you stay upright and conscious and able to respond to external stimuli. The limbic system is a little twitchy, though. It's making the hippocampus twitchy, too."
"Oh, hell," I said. "What about seizure warnings?"
She paused. "I can try. I promise I will try."
I nodded. "I know. I know how busy you are."
She smiled. "I'll keep an eye on the temporal lobes and parietal lobes."
I nodded. "Thank you, Lady."
"Just rest for now. Okay? Keep yourself calm. We will be here for you."
The Frontal Lobe representation held out her arms. I slowly moved forward, and she embraced my mental avatar. Her touch and body radiated cold and hot and kindness and love and severity and power and strength and control and understanding. I couldn't put the rest of it into words. I was a pebble at the bottom of a river, with ripples widening all around me.

My meditation ended. I opened my eyes and stretched my neck, and felt almost refreshed, except for the parts that hurt so badly I almost left my body.
So I sit here, typing very very slowly with what sections of my Neocortex will allow through all this fog, casually watching animated films in the background to relax me and give me humor. I am very cold, wearing a silk cardigan (when did I acquire all these silk cardigans anyway?) and considering warming up the house because the Raynaud's Disease is attacking. But I trust the Frontal Lobe to take control as much as possible.
We will see what happens.

(Also, if anyone on my friends list knows more about this sort of thing that I do, please feel free to correct me in the comments.
http://www.brainhealthandpuzzles.com/brain_parts_function.html)

This is Garden Wishes. She's from the G3 2006 batch of toy Ponies. She came from an old purse in my closet just like the other two. I love her dearly. However, I do not call her Garden Wishes. I call her Lotus Star.

If I were to ever write MLP fanfic, her name would be Lotus Star and she would be one of the most powerful young unicorns in Equestria, but very shy and awkward and full of raw nervous magic, and studious and anxious and quiet and bookwormy and focused and creative and nature-loving. So she would be friends with Fluttershy and take lessons from Twilight Sparkle and probably be a new student of Celestia.
Also she would be me in pony form; there, I said it. But I swear she wouldn't be a Mary Sue nor an author insert. I just think that if I were an Equestrian pony character, this is exactly who I would be.
Besides, Lotus Star is a more fitting name. Her symbol looks like a lotus and a star. Also, she glitters and is shiny and is pink and purple and gold and oh so pretty and squee I love her.

Thank you, closet.

This is Garden Wishes. She's from the G3 2006 batch of toy Ponies. She came from an old purse in my closet just like the other two. I love her dearly. However, I do not call her Garden Wishes. I call her Lotus Star.

If I were to ever write MLP fanfic, her name would be Lotus Star and she would be one of the most powerful young unicorns in Equestria, but very shy and awkward and full of raw nervous magic, and studious and anxious and quiet and bookwormy and focused and creative and nature-loving. So she would be friends with Fluttershy and take lessons from Twilight Sparkle and probably be a new student of Celestia.
Also she would be me in pony form; there, I said it. But I swear she wouldn't be a Mary Sue nor an author insert. I just think that if I were an Equestrian pony character, this is exactly who I would be.
Besides, Lotus Star is a more fitting name. Her symbol looks like a lotus and a star. Also, she glitters and is shiny and is pink and purple and gold and oh so pretty and squee I love her.

Thank you, closet.

Augh, fatigue. Oh, fatigue, Oh. I would rather have the pain.
Wait. No. Maybe. I don't know.
A secret: I am terrified. I have been writing short stories. I plan to submit them to online magazines. I have finished Chapter Twenty in the book, and now I'm struggling to make the words come out the way they need to. I want to beg every writer I know to tell me how they do it, how they make the imaginary people in their heads talk enough. Asking for help feels strange. It always feels strange.

Adam is going to be home Saturday morning, so my mind is consumed by that. Perhaps I can twist and transform that into something between Dana and Ian. It's just the words, the words. I see everything like a film in my head, but I've never written a screenplay, and novels are about words. That sounds too easy. Dear writers: Help?

I am just so tired right now.

Augh, fatigue. Oh, fatigue, Oh. I would rather have the pain.
Wait. No. Maybe. I don't know.
A secret: I am terrified. I have been writing short stories. I plan to submit them to online magazines. I have finished Chapter Twenty in the book, and now I'm struggling to make the words come out the way they need to. I want to beg every writer I know to tell me how they do it, how they make the imaginary people in their heads talk enough. Asking for help feels strange. It always feels strange.

Adam is going to be home Saturday morning, so my mind is consumed by that. Perhaps I can twist and transform that into something between Dana and Ian. It's just the words, the words. I see everything like a film in my head, but I've never written a screenplay, and novels are about words. That sounds too easy. Dear writers: Help?

I am just so tired right now.

The best discussions about Mary Sue characters ever.
http://seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com/396047.html

Today was a day with fewer spoons, but Adam was with me. Errands were run, needed items were purchased, lovely foods were made.

Time for more writing, with Playstation 3 games in the background.